My sister had her first baby eight months ago, and ever since then she has relied on me for absolutely everything. I helped a lot in the beginning because she was overwhelmed and recovering, and I genuinely wanted to be there for her. But over time it stopped being help and started becoming an expectation.
She drops the baby off without asking. She calls me at work demanding I come over because she “needs a break.” She gets angry when I have plans and can’t babysit. She has even told her friends that I’m basically “the second parent,” like it’s a role I agreed to.
Last week she showed up at my apartment unannounced, visibly exhausted, and handed me the baby while saying she needed to sleep for a couple of hours. I told her I couldn’t because I had a commitment I couldn’t cancel. She got frustrated and told me I was “abandoning” her.
That was the moment I finally said it. I told her I love her and the baby, but I am not her co parent, and it is unfair to expect me to rearrange my entire life around her choices. She started crying and said I was being cold and selfish.
Now she’s barely speaking to me, and my mom says I could have handled it “more gently,” even though she also complains about how much my sister depends on people.
I feel guilty because I know motherhood can be incredibly hard, and I know she is struggling. But I also feel like my boundaries were completely ignored for months.
AITA?
Where is the baby’s father?
That was my first thought.
OP will not be answering any questions.
If you continue to rescue her she will never grow. NTA.
NTA. You did try to say things more gently when you said you couldn’t help her. Repeatedly. And your sister trampled over those statements. Snapping was the only way she was going to listen to you.
And you are absolutely right to establish some boundaries/rules. I love how sympathetic you are to your sister and that you want to help here, but ultimately what you said is right: your life can’t be subsumed by her choices.
If you want to repair the relationship you can always apologize for your tone and reiterate again what you are willing and not willing to do to support her. Hopefully she and your mom will see reason.
Where is her baby’s father?! This is HIS job, not yours…
Apparently the baby has no father?
Baby has a daddy unless this was a true Christmas miracle where is he? Sister can leave the baby with him and his family or maybe your mom can keep the baby -NTA
Where’s dad?
NTA. Where is the father??
Stop answering the door or phone if she shows up unannounced. If she has a key…change your keys.
SHOW her you have your own life by simply telling her you aren’t available when she asks.
It’s perfectly reasonable to not want her to drop off her baby with you at the last minute constantly whenever she feels like she wants some peace. Unfortunately this is what she signed up to when she made the decision to either be a single parent, or have kids with a deadbeat.
Nta.
Where is the sperm donor of this child why are they not helping out
NTA people need to realize that just because they made a lifestyle choice, it doesn’t mean other people signed up to help with the burdens of that choice. It’s one thing to ask for help here and there and another to be expected to pick up a parent’s slack and be a coparent.
If what (likely free) help you’ve given isn’t appreciated, I’d cut back entirely. Anyone who takes issue and thinks you should help is free to step in and help raise the child.
INFO: Why did she have a baby if she didn’t have the time and resources to take care of it?
MORE INFO: Where is the father and why can’t he take care of his baby?