My (28F) cousin (27F) wants to stay in my hotel room for an upcoming family wedding but I don’t want her to because she mentally drains me and has said cruel things about our family. Cousin lost her dad 1.5 years ago to cancer. I wasn’t close to my uncle and kept some distance from my cousin because of her attitude and disrespect.
When my uncle was sick, I took my cousin out to help get her mind off of things. I did this 2-3 times a month till my uncle passed then started seeing her as much as I could (at her request) until she pushed me past my boundaries. One day, I told her I couldn’t stay for dinner because I had a dinner with our uncle that I forgot about. She looked at me funny and goes, "You know, if our uncle got cancer and died, I wouldn’t feel sad". I told her, "Thats a bit harsh". She goes, “Doesn’t mean it isn’t true” and asked how our pregnant cousin was and I said fine, just normal symptoms. She responds with, "I hope she loses the baby". To which I said, "That’s really rude. Just because you don’t like kids doesn’t mean the rest of the world has to.” My cousin then says something like, "We don’t need more kids in the world. Its why Jess shouldn’t have been born." Jess is my sister’s daughter. I was pretty furious at this point and told her that that was crossing a line and to not speak about my family like that. She rolled her eyes then made a comment about the show we were watching. I stewed for a bit but tried to just get through the rest of our hangout. Basically, after that I stopped initiating hangouts and she never did, so we rarely saw each other. Also, I didn’t usually call her out on her behavior before all of this because before I didn’t feel like it was my place and I’m bad at confrontations. Sometimes I do ask her to explain what she meant or repeat what she said, kind of a psychological tactic.
Since then, I’d text her to let her know that she can reach out if she needs anything. Fast forward to now, we have a wedding to attend at a resort and her mom isn’t going. Cousin asked to stay with me since I’m not sharing with anyone and her mom offered to pay for half (cousin unemployed). She wouldn’t be able to go if she didn’t share a room because her mom won’t pay. I’m still very upset by her comments about our family and her general attitude towards everyone around her. I understand that losing a parent is a different type of grief but that doesn’t give you the right to say whatever is on your mind or to act out or just be rude to people. Most of my time with her was draining because it would just be her venting to me about all her problems in life, all the relatives who she despises, all the friends she cut out. I tried hard to listen, to offer advice, to just be there, but its hard when its just a constant negative energy around me. She never even asked about my own life. I’m not trying to dismiss her grief or past experiences at all but I’m frustrated with how she is choosing to cope (or not cope). So, WIBTA?
NTA…it sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay supportive of your cousin, but still putting up a reasonable boundary to protect your own mental wellbeing.
NTA.
Tell your cousin the reasoning behind it.
BCC any family that she would run to to bitch about it. Don’t let her take control of the narrative.
NTA. That person would be dead to me.
This is all that needs to be said because she’s not your responsibility.
She will cause drama at the wedding and you wont be able to enjoy yourself as you will not only be exhausted from dealing with her but you will soend your whole time watching her to make sure she doesnt ruin the day for the bride and groom. Forget about her and enjoy the day drama free!
NTA let her mom know that due to cousins mental state and all she has said, the answer is ‘No”.
You need to go NC with that cousin. Your mental isn’t worth associating or dealing with her.
NTA I get she lost her dad but this goes beyond that now. The things she’s saying are honestly extremely concerning. Are other relatives aware she’s said these things?
“You told me you hoped our cousin loses her baby and that my niece should never have been born. You can go royally fuck yourself.”
Stop being nice to horrible people. I hope you told them what she said because that 50 shades of fucked up and she should never be allowed near those kids unsupervised.
1000% the people she regularly speaks badly of to me are people who are very aware of the situation so we trade info.
NTA. Her lodging is her problem. She sounds hateful. You owe it to yourself to do what you can to enjoy the wedding trip. Rooming with her would only cause you more pain.
NTA. How did she find out you’re not sharing with anyone? Be direct and let her know you’re upset about how she spoke about your family. Personally, I’d find someone else to share the room quickly, so there is no “surprise” arrival from your cousin, thinking your room is available for her.
NTA. You are being way too generous with her. The fact that you could continue to have ANY relationship with her after she *wished for someone to have a miscarriage* is honestly mind boggling. Don’t just tell her no, *remove her from your life*
Absolutely not the ahole, please listen to what the other commenters have said!! Take peace over her bs!!
NTA. A grieving person knows better than most how much losing someone hurts. Wishing that people should get sick/die or existing people had never been born is especially horrible.