I’m 30 years old. Currently I live with my mom and dad at our family house. My dad is a cool and easy-going guy, however my mom is something different. My mother is a person who is very imperious and usualy demands the things to be done her way without asking for anyone’s permission. She is extremely pessimistic person who is looking for problems literally everywhere. While she is a caring and loving person, she’s also toxic to the point where after years and years of fights over the smallest things in our house between her and my father/me, my father and I developed some sort of passive aggressive stance towards her where we subconsciously began dismissing her various shenanigans which usualy made her upset, with her claiming that we’re traying to sideline her and make her look like an idiot. It came to the point where on christmas eve after another argument my father threatened her with divorce if she doesn’t stop with her toxic behavior.
Now, after years of hard work, I finaly managed to gather enough funds to buy myself an appartment. I talked with the owner and he said that we can visit the appartment in a couple of days in order to see how it looks and so that the housing expert can see it and tell the price. After I announced that, my dad and mom were happy about the fact however my mom said she doesn’t want me to leave the house and instead the appartment should be rented out so it could pay the mortgage that comes with it.
Tommorow is the day on which we go to see the appartment and my mom said that "we will go to see the appartment" and she was very excited about it. This is where my passive aggressive stance kicked in again, knowing that my mom would try to find problems and discourage me from buying the appartment, I instinctively said "You’re not coming."
My mom began yelling at me that I see her as nothing and that she’s worth less than 0 to me. She began crying and saying that she would give her heart away for me, my safety and comfort and that I broke her heart and treat her like crap instead. I told her that knowing her previous shenanigans, she would discourage me and my dad from buying the appartment, hoping to keep me inside the house and preventing me from making my own choices. I told her that it is entirely my decision this time wether I will buy the appartment or not since I am sick of her making decisions for me or my dad without ever asking us for our opinion. She continued to cry afterwards saying that I don’t care about what she has to say and I’m a horrible person. I still told her that she’s not coming to see the appartment and I left for my room.
And so here we are. I genuinely love my mom, but given the circumstances and history of her actions, I took a cold decision of leaving her out of my appartment visit so I could make the decision on my own for once in my life. Now I feel horrible about how I treated today couse I knew her intentions were pure but her character is just not. So tell me,
AITH?
Respectfully your mom is nuts. You gotta get out asap.
It’s absolutely absurd that she should expect to be part of that decision for her 30 year old child. Had she treated you better in the past and fostered a better relationship with you, you may have WANTED her to come, and appreciated her opinion and assistance. But she made her bed and now she’s lying in it 🤷♀️
NTA
Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit but something tells me you should tell your realtor if anyone calls pretending to be you and tries to cancel the sale, don’t listen to it
Your mother sounds impossible. Don’t feel guilty for prioritizing sanity.
NAH – I have one of those moms.
Something to consider: you’re purchasing a house. So long as you <love> your house, what she says doesn’t matter about how you adore your new home.
Her perfectionism can be useful, though. Limit her to comments about the house only. Redirect her.
And then take those comments to your real estate agent and see what can be used for bargaining! My mom saved me about $30 thousand in things I missed. 😉
If the stress is too much, then you go and get your own home your own way – congratulations!
Good luck!
I think you need to go look at the apartment on your own. I think you are ready yourself for the fact that your mom is going to throw fit and do what you need to do for yourself. Part of the manipulation that she pulls on you is to make you feel guilty if you actually tell her how you feel or stand up for yourself. God bless your father. Get your apartment, start your life, move forward. Let your mom know you love her, you just don’t like her behavior but do not take her to the apartment. She doesn’t need to know where you live.
“you’re not coming” is not passive-aggressive, in fact it is neither passive, not aggressive, it is assertive and it is your right not to have her there. She is into histrionics and control. NTA
NTA You didn’t mske a cold decision, you made a rational decision. You’re an adult and your new apartment has nothing to do with your mom. Don’t let her manipulate you with her self-pity. Let your new place be happy and healthy and only allow positive supportive visitors in.
I had a super similar situation and I stayed strict with my boundaries and it was so worth it. Because it’s gonna be similar to keeping boundaries once you move out too. NTA
INFO. Buried in your original post you state “…she would discourage me and my Dad from buying the apartment”
Who, exactly is paying for the apartment? I ask, because if your father is on the title/mortgage it has financial implications for your mother also. This includes co-signing. As such, she does, in fact, have a legitimate right to an opinion.
Good for you. It is sad it took you reaching 30 to do it. Your mother is a cold, controlling and manipulative person and this is exactly what she is doing. She will get up I the morning and act like nothing happened and try to come along [anyway.Do](http://anyway.Do) not give in. This is your life and your money and only you get to decide what to do with it. It all sounds so familiar. You need a place of your own. NTA
Info: Is your dad putting money into the apartment?
I ask bc of the statement, “…she would discourage me and my dad from buying…”
NTA.
But you need to stop telling your mother things that she can use against you. You already knew exactly what she would do when you told her about the apartment, so why did you tell her in advance?
From
“I found an apartment!” Then “We’re going to look at it today! — but not you.”
To
“I found an apartment and am moving in now!”
You say she really is nice and loving and giving but with horrible toxic behaviors on top, but then you talk about her manipulation, guilt trips, and attempts to keep you in her house and under her control. That sounds more like a narcissist than a loving mom with a few bad habits. Yes, narcissists can be loving, usually when they feel that someone under their control is at risk of pulling away (look up love-bombing).
I might suggest looking into r/raisedbynarcissists and seeing if it looks familiar.
NTA
OP, You are doing the right thing. Please keep it up!
1. You telling her firmly that she is not coming is THE OPPOSITE of passive aggressive. It is a perfectly healthy and appropriate response.
2. You are a 30 yo woman who has the financial wherewithall to purchase a place of your own. Your mom should not feel she has so much say in your life!
\[My kids think I’m a good mom in general, but there are times that I offer my opinion or tell them they didn’t take care of something. They are in their late teens/20ish and still dependent on me; but I recognize that my goal as their parent is to help them spread their wings and be independent. So I step back more often. I share this with you because – with my own background – I’m telling you that your mom has some serious emotional management issues and parenting issues (even if she really does love you).\]
I encourage you to leave your mom to deal with her emotional regulation. Go to your appointment without her. Stay firm about that. If you want your dad or a friend to come with you or you want to go alone; it’s all good.
As your mom plies the waterworks on you, tell her that she will have to manage her emotions. You will not be sharing your decisions with her because she cannot recognize that she doesn’t have the right to control your life. If you make a mistake, it is your mistake to make and handle.
Good luck with things!