My friend Jen does a lot of venting to me about her struggles as a fellow fat girl. For a while I was more than happy to provide a space for her to do that as I have been in her shoes many times before. Jen has talked about losing weight for a few years, and is often pessimistic as she believes there’s no hope for her to shed fat since she doesn’t have a gallbladder. She tried getting weight loss medication, but is unable to get it covered by insurance because she’s not diabetic nor does she have severe sleep apnea. It’s necessary to note that Jen lives a very sedentary and fairly unhealthy lifestyle. I never felt it was my business to comment on that until she started projecting her self esteem issues onto me.
When we go out to bars, she says she’s uncomfortable being the fat girl there. (we’re roughly the same size, but I don’t let this bother me & there’s people bigger than us that go out and enjoy themselves so come to your own conclusions there). On Friday, we were out walking with a skinny friend when Jen made a drunk comment about how friend is lucky to be the only attractive person out of the three of us. Friend and I both stopped in our tracks and said varying versions of "Who’s ugly???" Personally, I’m hot as fuck. Anyone with eyes knows a baddie when they see one, size be damned. I was offended to hear my friend call me ugly just because she thinks that of herself. (there’s plenty more instances but character limit)
I was also recently told that Jen is mad that I talk about my *diabetic medication.* Apparently, Jen felt I was being inconsiderate by talking about it when I know how hard it is for her to access it. I don’t make this medication my whole personality, I’m usually just nauseous & worried about puking in public. I never confronted her about it, but last night things boiled over. She told me she was going to try a non FDA regulated online subscription. I told her I understood the pressure she was under, but I wasn’t cosigning that because I don’t want her to potentially hurt herself. Jen snapped at me and said she’d just "hurt herself anyways if she can’t have it, not like I’d understand".
Here’s where I was likely the asshole. I let her know there’s no point in losing the weight if she’s not gonna work on her personality & it’s not like being on a glp-1 will do her any favors with her current lifestyle. She can only afford to eat once a day, while binge drinking on weekends, yet Jen wants to shell out $350 monthly for this shot that might make her sick. The shot won’t help her build healthy habits/relationships with food, so when she stops taking it, she’ll gain whatever she lost back.
Jen said 0.
I know what it’s like when others have opinions on how I’m handling my health & wellness journey, but I find that other people’s criticisms bother me less when I’m being accountable for myself. Her health is none of my business. I feel I shouldn’t have spoken. Am I the asshole for giving her an unsolicited reality check?
NTA I don’t think this is really THAT unsolicited. Not having a gallbladder doesn’t make weight loss impossible.
YNTA. Seems like a bad friend who is depressed/unhappy. Spending that amount of money while you can’t afford to eat properly is outrageous, but even without that she seems not very positive company to keep.
NTA. Yeah, you said some mean things but not because you’re an asshole but because Jen has been such an asshole to you.
It may have been less than constructive to do it that way but you have no obligation to take her abuse over and over and still smile and be supportive the whole time.
You meant well, but unsolicited advice is: Worth what was payed for it, entirely likely to anger the recipient.
NTA
Sometimes the truth hurts.
ESH She insults your looks and you insult her right back. Neither of you sound very nice tbh.
NTA as a big girl myself I hate it when they say your not fat your beautiful what does my fat have to do with my looks I never said I was ugly shes jealous and not your friend stop talking to her bestie and be the happy confident baddy you are
NTA. You gave her time, space and empathy.
Real friends are one who will tell us harsh truths. You are a great friend.
But, she is not yours.
We choose will we be ones who push others up, or bring them down.
Big girl talking. Going down from 115 kg. 40 y old. I am a great big valkyirie, without boobs.
I am on glp1. But also I work out, lift weights, do yoga, walk and bicycle every day. But, food noise and food comfort are big problem. Even years of really good therapy didn’t changed that. Ibam still learning how to love myself and stand up for myself and just accept my feelings.
Glp1 is helping a little. Biggest help is with my insuline issues. Food noise is still here. I expected that. There is no miracle. I will have to completely change my diet. And I have to continue to excercise and walk and accept that this is a looong and slow path.
I will be fat with 10 kg less, little less with 20 kg down. It will take time. And patience and perseverance.
I had to loose some friends, best thing I did and easiest weight I lost.
Be honest with her. Firm but supportive.
She isnt your friend she called you ugly. NTA
NTA sometimes people need a rude awakening.
NTA I’m sorry your friend is suffering with such low self-esteem and self-hatred. She does not get to pass that on to everyone around her. This might be the time to take a step back. Rock on with your bad self.
ESH. Her for calling you ugly and having a problem with you talking about your own medication. You for unsolicited and tbh bad advice.
So having or not having a gallbladder has nothing to do with anything. In fact, you’d think she would have lost weight since she is now supposed to be AVOIDING greasy and fried foods since she has not gallbladder. It’s just her unhealthy lifestyle.
She probably needs to go to rehab before anything else.