I 45M need outside input on this, most people I know are biased. My wife Liz 39F has a family I get along with, except for her younger sister Jenna 36f. She is the baby and thinks it comes with more privileges than it does, since my in-laws used to treat their kids the same. Jenna is anti-child,to the point that to know her is to know this about her. Get stuck on a grocery line too long you might hear about it. We have a 5f and 3m
Her parents and family giver her grief about it, I have stood up for her because I think kids aren’t other people’s business, but her family is old-fashioned and crappy about it, frankly to them you matter more if you have kids. Which is rough for my sisters-in-law since older sister and husband haven’t yet and Jenna is Jenna. Her older sister doesn’t get grief since she’s married and trying, nut Jenna gets crapped on a lot. I used to defend her because I don’t think it is right.
My wife and her had a falling out, they don’t talk or do well in the same room, though Jenna is the one who provokes. FIL asked for truce for the holidays, halloween through december, and both agreed because the family normally gets together a lot this time of year, there are two birthdays in addition to the holidays.
Cleaning after a birthday party there was a shouting match and by the time I got in there Liz was crying. What I heard said to her was unforgivable, and I walked toward Jenna and I guess you could see how angry I was because she looked at me and said "no" before walking out of the room. I followed and stopped her at the door. I am, admittedly, protective of people I love, which is a short list. I saw red and told if she ever talked to her like that she would regret it, that anyone hurts my wife like that they’ll hurt the same. She said my wife deserved it and she wouldn’t stop. And it hit me what I could do.
I told her to remember that I gave her a chance and went to the main room where the family was, kissed my wife’s head and told her to get our kids from the kid room, announced that we were leaving and wouldn’t be around Jenna. In-laws said they understood, I said I don’t think they do. We WONT be around her, ever again. I said she is, verbally, a threat to my family, that I don’t trust her to not say things in front of the kids, and that I wouldn’t expose my family to that.
I heard Jenna shout "what?!" behind but before I could turn around her mom told her to "shut the f up, you did this" which the room agreed with. I marched us out while Jenna begged me to talk to her and their family berated her for "ruining everything again!" That was satisfying and the reaction helped my wife feel supported. She asked how long we keep it up and I said as long as she wants, but definitely until she gets an apology, which she liked.
Since then we haven’t seen her. She was disinvited to thanksgiving,which is why I feel bad.I don’t feel it’s ok to isolate her from her family but her family will always choose us due to the kids.
Info: What was the unforgivable thing she said. Cant judge.
I didn’t include it because I didn’t want to bias people against Jenna. My wife was with some friends at a club a few months ago, a group of women who’ve still got it going out to flaunt it a little, for old time’s sake as they put it. My wife was attacked outside but thankfully is ok. Jenna told her she deserved it for being there like that.
Jenna deserves worse for that, frankly
Victim blaming, especially from another woman, and even more, especially from a sister, is absolutely vile! I’m glad your wife is okay.
We can’t tell you if you overreacted if we don’t know what was said.
INFO: what did she actually say?
EDIT:
changing my response to ESH. the sister was out of line but it’s very clear that OP escalated the situation and used his in-laws active dislike of their youngest daughter to push her out of the family. this wasn’t protecting his wife, it was a deliberate choice to alienate his SIL and he knew what he did when he was doing it. that’s why he reminded her that he “gave her a chance” after realizing that he could get her disowned, because in his own words the in-laws will always choose OP and his wife because they provided the token grandchildren.
INFO: what was the original falling out over? what did she say to trigger that response from your wife? how exactly is she a threat to your family?
Jenna wanted me to lend her money to start a business. I gave my wife money for a business a couple years ago and Jenna said she wants the same. Difference was, my wife had a plan, experience in the industry, other seed money, and is my wife!
It’s impossible to tell if you blew this up because no one knows what she said or what the general topic was.
I don’t think there is enough info to judge since you clearly have bias towards your wife (as you should). What was the initial falling out over and what started this argument? Did your wife say horrible things too?
Without the additional info I’d rule ESH. You know Jenna is mistreated by her family, which is probably why she’s kind of an AH. She didn’t do or say anything in front of your kids, which is the reason you gave for not wanting her around, which makes you kind of an AH. I get it though because it sounds like it’s easier without her there. I’d feel guilty about it but understand if you don’t.
Initial falling out was over Jenna wanting money to buy into a business. She was angry at my wife for not asking me since I paid to start Liz’s business, but the circumstances were different. I don’t know what my wife said, I wasn’t there. I think Jenna is the one who is the problem but I am biased because I love my wife.
It sounds like you get what I’m saying; I feel bad because she is isolated now but it’s so much easier, but I know she’s hurt and that’s not cool as the reason to do that. I feel like, right thing, wrong reason. But I can’t be around her, neither can my wife
Wait. You gave your wife money to start her business and Jenna is angry because she won’t ask you to give her money, too? Talk about entitled!!! Jenna is neither your blood nor your wife. There’s a huge difference between spouse and in-law. Jenna is T A.
ESH
You don’t give any details about what was said but your over dramatic storming out and reaction make you sound exhausting
Seeing as we have no idea what she actually said to your wife or what your wife said to her, this is all your perspective. You should have talked to your wife first before that big of a decision.