WIBTA … my sister (28f) is supposed to move in to my (30f) house where I live with my spouse (32f) and child under 1. we come from trauma and struggle with mental health, i have gone through therapy and psych testing and came out the other end with a diagnosis, medication and the knowledge of how to cope with my trauma and try to be better for myself and those around me. I know im not perfect and I know some of my actions havent always been the right thing in the heat of the moment. My sister started the process of finding a job where we live and telling her landlord that she is moving but over the last couple of months, while we’ve all been preparing for this move, she has done things that have been disrespectful and crossing boundaries. She often leaves our home a mess and leaves us feeling very distressed and disregulated. I love my sister dearly and like I said we’ve been through some things but she hasn’t put in the same mental health work that I have and it really shows when we try to have conversations and it explodes in to a huge mess. I get pulled in to a fight and then gaslit into thinking im wrong for setting a boundary in my home. Some boundaries are financial related like groceries, household supplies, or me just not wanting to be in situations where I might spend money on her like coffee, etc. Sometimes its her backing out on commitments I needed her help with, and then her turning around and expecting my help and when I say no for whatever reason then Im the bad guy. Its put a strain on my marriage, I am often put in situations where my sister wants me to prioritize her, over myself, over my wife, and sometimes even over my child, and it can range from huge situations that cause alot of tension for days or little things that cause tension for an hour. We have been trying to rearrange the house and give her the space she needs to feel comfortable while putting ourselves in a slightly less comfortable situation. She takes it for granted. We had a huge fight last night, I asked her to leave me alone so I could relax and cool down before work. She did not respect that request. I said some mean things, she said some mean things and instead of just leaving the room, she just left and drove home. When she lives here, she won’t have her own place to drive away to. I didnt even ask her to leave the house. I just asked her to leave me be so I could calm down before going to work. All I know is that last night I was left feeling like I couldn’t have her move in to my home anymore. Would I be the asshole if I told her that she cant move in? This could leave her in a really tough position but im at my wits end. My wife and I are so tired. And I just dont think we can do this anymore. I know this will cause a huge strain on our relationship and I dont want that either.
YTA for not using line breaks
I have gotten to the point where I just close stories like this.
She’s going to make you all miserable if you let her. Definitely NTA
Look, your obligation is to yourself, your wife, and your child, and it sounds like having your sister move in would be hugely problematic for all three of you, so ultimately you are NTA for needing to back out on this agreement but I’m curious how this plan came to be, exactly. Did you make this agreement without thinking it through? Did you have reason to believe her mental health and other issues would not be problematic?
It’s fairly clear she isn’t trying to show she can be a good houseguest or roommate. Whether it’s beyond her ability to do so, I can’t say. But I do worry she is essentially taking you for granted and not connecting the dots that you don’t have to let her move in and if she wants or needs that to work, she should be making it actually work for you, which she’s not. If you back out, it will cause a serious meltdown. But I don’t think having her move in under these circumstances is worth avoiding that meltdown. Once she’s in, she will probably be extremely hard to get rid of. I think you should do everything you can to help her find another option, including helping to search and tour places, possibly helping financially if you’re able (such as helping to pay for a short-term rental to bridge the gap, nothing permanent), etc. because there is no getting around the fact that you will leave her in a VERY difficult position when you do this, but unfortunately I don’t really feel you have much of a choice. Moving her in isn’t an option based on what you describe.
Nta. She does not seem to respect you or your home. Do you want this to be a model for your child? Do not let her move in.
NTA
From personal experience with this type of family dynamics, since she’s already pushing it do not let her move in. Have her make another arrangement, help her stay in a hotel temporarily if needed/possible, anything but moving her in.
The only thing her moving in will accomplish is putting a strain on you and your wife. Your relationship, your child, everything will be under strain until you inevitably force her to move out. Just stop it before it happens.
For the sake of your kid you have to put your foot down. Tell your sister that she is already a problem before she’s even moved in and that you cannot allow her to help make a bad environment for your child. Whenever you start to feel your resolve crumble remember that this is for your little one and do not give in.