For context, my great grandma has been living with my nan because she refuses to go into a home. And with refusing a home, she also expects everyone to care for her. Using my nan like nothing else.
Now, my grandma is not a nice woman. She name calls, argues about everything, expects to be treated like a queen with the upmost respect. Truthfully, I do not like her, but I do try to get along with her to avoid trouble since I visit my nan a lot.
What happened was we were out at family lunch the other day, my grandma never leaves the house, not for our family at least, but she has since discovered my nan allows her a glass or two of wine. (She is an alcoholic and almost drank herself to death). So it is well known she only comes out to drink. My grandma tried handing my sister a $100 note, to which my sister declined because she didn’t feel it was fair to the rest of the grandkids at the table. This made her very upset, said she can do what she wants with her own money, and it does not matter. This is where my nan chimed in, and grandma immediately turns to her and starts calling her horrible names and saying she’s stupid and doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
It’s important to note I am extremely protective of my nan and mum, I will fight with anyone for them at anytime if needed. It was getting heated at the other end of the table, and all I could hear was my grandma belittling my nan and my nan actually beginning to go quiet (she is not easily hurt) so I knew it was bad. I moved to the other end of the table and that seemed to stop my grandma for the time being. Towards the end, my grandma goes to tip the server and nan motions to me that it was to make a point. I laughed and agreed. Grandma turns to me, tells me she can do whatever the f*ck she wants, and I am being extremely rude agreeing with this ret*rd (my nan). This set me off, I told her ‘you know what’s rude? Talking to your own daughter the way you do considering she does absolutely everything for you when you do not deserve it. You’re only out with this family to drink your wine because you can’t control yourself at home’
I admit. It was harsh. She was in disbelief, and did not argue back. My nan did not say anything about it, just told me it’s best not to start with her, but my uncle and mum told me it was plain disrespectful.
I know she’s old, 80, she is extremely healthy and has no mental problems so it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s saying and doing. She’s absolutely horrible to my nan and constantly talks about loving nans sister, my great aunt, who is a heavy drug addict and does not want to take her in or even visit her whatsoever. I’ve been so fed up with it, my nan finally retired after working her absolute ass off her whole life, and now she has to deal with my grandma instead. I understand the elderly respect stuff, but does she really deserve it?
Was saying that to her really too far?
Edit: I say extremely healthy in a way where she has zero mental illness, she knows what she’s doing and how to get around. She should go in a home considering she can’t walk too much, and refuses to do anything herself. She’s unable to live alone.
OP-NTA. Abuse is abuse no matter the age of the abuser. The fact that no one else in your Family sticks up for your Nan is appalling. Perhaps Uncle would like to take Grandma in?? What with her delightful demeanour and all?/s. Shame on the other adults for doing nothing.
NTA. Respect is earned. And your family is literally enabling elder abuse by staying silent. Good on you for being decent and defending an elderly woman. Whatever your grandma is going through doesnt entitle her to be verbally abusive and degrading to another person.
ESH. All you are doing is adding fuel to the fire. Your family sounds dysfunctional. BTW, unless your 80-year-old great grandma is senile or otherwise disabled, there’s no reason for a “home”. Do you know if your nan has a good economic situation because lots of old folks live together because they can’t afford to live alone.
NTA, but your nan is going to have to pay the price for it because grandma is going to be extra nasty to her, also Nan is going to have to listen to grandma moan and complain about how disrespectful you are and that your nan should’ve stood up for her mother.
Edited to fix
NTA – She needed a verbal slap to the face. Only the worst people abuse their own children, play favourites, and have the absolute gall to do so in public. Maybe she will think twice before being a complete trash panda next time. Good for you!
its completely normal to set boundaries when something stops feeling comfortable. u handled it calmly and respectfully.
NTA but alcoholism is a mental illness.
NTA. She needed to be put her in her place. Unfortunately it won’t solve anything.
I’m sorry this is your family’s situation. I don’t know what you should have done, but will go either (edit: with) NTA since you were trying to assist your Nan.
I must add that to have your great grandmother alive and talking with you feels wild to me. I was born in the 1960s, my mother was born in the 1920s, and her mother was born in 1896. My great grandmother was born 20 years before that, around 1876. My Nan and great grandmother have been dead for such a very long time that I cannot imagine your situation. But, given this, maybe go easier on the old lady. She’s from a different era, and won’t be here for long if drinking at this rate.
NTA. You stood up for your grandmother, and that was honorable and loving, and what you said was the truth. Your great-grandmother shut up because she realized you were speaking the truth.
Your mother and uncle are cowardly and wrong.
NTA – Respect is EARNED. Doesn’t matter what age you are. You’re not entitled to unconditional deference and a licence to be an AH to the people around you.
NTA
Shady Pines, Ma!
What is a ‘nan’?