My parents split when I was young, and my biological father passed a little after Covid started. We didn’t have the strongest relationship, but he tried his hardest towards the end.
My mom’s been dating someone the past few years, before my dad passed, and he’s a great guy and all, and he tries on holidays to actually get me meaningful stuff. He’s gotten me giftcards to my hobbies one year. Etc. I started feeling guilty so the most I did was get him a pack of socks from Marshall’s and a car vacuum cleaner the next year.
They keep asking me to go out and hangout with them, he’s always trying to include me but I keep declining because I just don’t want to get close to the guy. They’re supposed to get married next year but I just don’t know. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me or if Im really the A here.
INFO: how old are you?
Sounds like you see him more as your mom’s husband than your step dad.
NAH – Adults like getting socks. They’re practical and you always need more. You don’t have to have a relationship with this person, but it’s also reasonable that he’s trying to reach out to you. It’s up to you what you do, but I’d suggest trying to spend time with him. But there’s nothing wrong if you don’t.
NAH. As long as you’re polite and respectful towards him, which it sounds like you are, you’re doing nothing wrong. The relationship you have with him should move at your pace, and even if he is a nice guy that’s trying, he’s not entitled to a certain relationship to you.
Also, as long as he’s not pushy or blaming you for not being close to him, he’s not doing anything wrong either. It’s a good thing that he cares about you and wants to have a relationship with you, but he should also be patient and willing to accept meeting you wherever you’re at in that process. And your mom should support that too.
Little steps like getting him the car vacuum cleaner and socks sounds like your way of moving forward at your pace. Things will get easier with time, whether that means eventually feeling closer to him or just having more comfort and clarity about his position in your life. Eventually spending a little time with him/them is probably a good idea, but you’re not an AH if you don’t.
Also I’m really sorry about your dad
Exactly this. You cannot put a time table on your feelings. It might help if you sit down one on one with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Your feelings are relevant and so are his. Sometimes knowing where each person is in their feelings helps. Just do it at the pace you feel comfortable with.
YTA. It sounds like he’s trying to make you part of his life cuz clearly he’s going to be in your life from this point on. I’m sorry for your loss of your father but don’t think of your stepfather as a replacement, just another family member which you’re being, IMO, pretty rude to for no reason.
Soft YTA. This isn’t really about your relationship with him, it’s about your relationship with your mom. You care about her and love her, right? This guy is incredibly important to her. She wants you to get to know him. If your best friend was getting married, and you refused to spend any time with them and their fiance, would you view that differently?
You’re both adults. You don’t need to get close to the guy if you don’t want to, but you should make some effort to get to know him, if not for his sake, at least for your mom’s.
Light YTA, because you said he’s a great guy and trying to include you, and you don’t really have a reason to not get to know him. You don’t have to be best friends, and he won’t replace your dad, but for your mom’s sake, and your own, give him a chance.
You might want to explore some of this in therapy, if you find yourself so resistant but don’t know why.
NAH stepparents can be complicated to navigate. So I don’t think you’re the asshole for wanting to pull back. But I do think you should consider giving him a chance. You said you’re 22 in another comment so he’s never going to be your father or anything like it, and that’s ok. But he is going to be a man in your life and in your moms life going forward. And that’s probably someone you should get alone with if possible. If he’s doing something to be TA then that’d be different but it sounds like he’s making an effort to get to know you. Especially at 22 you’re likely going to move out soon so he probably sees this as the main time when he can establish that relationship as it’s a lot harder to build a relationship when there’s more distance. I would try to give him a shot, though I understand that can be tough.
YTA. I understand how hard it is to lose a parent young. Don’t look at this person as your stepparent, but just as a friend. 🩷 He seems like a nice person, and who couldn’t use more nice people in their lives these days? Especially since you still live with your mom, it will make her happy for you to give him a chance.
I’d approach it the same way, this is just a friend, it may change later but giving the guy a chance isn’t going to hurt and you may be surprised.
I wish someone had given me the same advice.
The main question is why you want to keep them at arms length?
If he is a great guy, why not be a bit more social?
What is holding you back?
YTA- don’t think of him as your step dad, think of him in the same way you would about future in-laws. He is becoming your family in much the same way your future spouse’s parents and siblings will become your family. Hopefully they will be as awesome as you make your mom’s husband sound!
FWIW- My mother remarried when my oldest child was a year old and they’ve been together 16 years now. I don’t see him as “my dad,” but I treat him with respect and love and I really enjoy hanging out with him and my mother. Same with my in-laws. I got lucky bc they and my mom’s husband are really lovely people and I love having all of them as my family.
NAH You’re dealing with trauma from the loss of your bio dad. If you get close to the future stepdad, you may lose him as well. It sounds like you’re trying to protect yourself after a devastating loss, despite not being incredibly close with your bio dad. You might try grief counseling because there are still psychological things at play here.