I (33f) and my husband (37m) have a toddler (1.5f). My husband’s parents are divorced and remarried. We live an 8 hrs drive from my family, 6 hrs drive and 1.5 flight from my husband’s family. My parents bought a condo in our city after our daughter was born and stay there ~half the year. We see them quite often. My husband and I both work from home and our daughter goes to daycare.
We took the 1.5 flight to visit my husband’s mom for Thanksgiving, and will be driving the 6 hrs to visit my husband’s dad after Christmas and will be staying a little over a week there. They are very helpful and will entertain our daughter all day.
The problem is, with my husband’s parents being divorced, we have 3 sets of parents that expect to see us around Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have seen/are planning to see all of my husband’s parents this year for the holidays. My parents, who live the farthest away, want us to drive to see them for Christmas Eve and spend a few extra days before. We keep an apartment in that city as a short term rental that we’d stay at. We are exhausted from Thanksgiving and haven’t decided if we will go see my parents for Christmas and they are mad. My parents aren’t helpful with childcare, live 30 mins from our apartment, and will expect us to tote our daughter around to do activities all day. One or both of us would have to use PTO, as we would have no childcare during our time there. I also want to make our own family traditions and have our daughter wake up at home on Christmas morning.
AITAH if I refuse to drive 8 hours to see my parents for Christmas Eve, even though we’ve seen all of my husband’s family for the holidays?
Edit: I have an older sister and BIL (no kids) that live in the same city as my parents. They’ve never come to visit me for the holidays despite having my parents come last Thanksgiving. My BIL is a medical professional and has to request his schedule months in advance. He always works Christmas Day so his coworkers with kids can have it off.
Nah
But that is going to sting for your parents
You are never never never the AH for wanting to do what is best for YOUR family, even if it means “disappointing” extended family. It’s too hard to please everyone! Do what is best for you, your husband and your kids. That is the end of the story. Happy Holidays!
Carving out new traditions and ways to spend your holidays has been great! And I will never take my kids out of the house on Christmas day.
NTA If they want to see you they can stay at the apartment they own in your city and join you at your house for Christmas even and day.
Grandma here. Establish the holidays for what’s best for you and your child. It’s your turn. Make no apologies! NTA
This is the answer. Christmas in particular is a holiday for children, families should travel to children not the other way around.
NTA . They can choose to travel to you if it matters to them to be with you on Christmas
NTA. Why are you doing all the traveling with a toddler, and they aren’t traveling to see you? Regardless of your views on Santa, here’s what my mom did when she got tired of dragging me and my brothers around to relatives houses during the holidays… “Santa comes to our house. Not grandma/grandpa’s #1, #2, or #3.” Meaning, if you wanna see us, then you travel to us.
NTA
You need to start making your own family traditions now that you have a kid. That may include staying at your house and having them come see you, not the other way around.
My kids are older now (oldest turns 20 tomorrow actually lol), but my side is 8 hours away. Every other year we’d go to my side and my kids finally told me last year that they wished we had stayed home so they could wake up in their own beds Christmas morning. They didn’t hate going, but also wished we didn’t go as often as we did after a certain point. I let guilt lead me when we had kids and wished I had put my foot down about it.
NTA. You have a young child. If they want to see you over Christmas, they can come to you, unless that’s also an imposition. My friends and family members who have children stopped travelling for Christmas immediately because it’s too much hassle. It’s normal, not a personal affront to your parents.
NTA. It seems like, with their condo in your city, your parents see your family the most out of all of them. If they want to see their granddaughter during Christmas time they can come up for a few days.
Do Christmas Eve and Christmas at your own home, with your own traditions. If your parents want to see you they can travel to you. I would make Christmas Eve and Christmas my “standard” of being home, that gives them the choice to travel or not.
NTA, it’s really selfish to expect people to use PTO for a holiday or put their toddler through multiple long car rides in short order, especially when they *have a condo near you* and see you quite a bit.
Yes, holidays are supposed to be special. But adding stress out of obligation actually cheapens whatever experience they’re hoping to have.
Honestly, going forward, you may want to consider some kind of rotation and refusing to do all the traveling. You only get a limited number of holidays with your kids before they’re grown, and you deserve to enjoy them too.
NTA but perhaps the reason your parents think this is unfair is that they don’t realise how it works with your in-laws.
Tell them that you’d love to see them, but you’re exhausted after Thanksgiving and you don’t have any PTO.
When they respond “but you went to your husband’s family…!” say “yes, but they look after Emily all day so that we can work.” Then they have the option of saying okay we can do that too” or they can say “oh never mind then.”
Or they could just come and stay in the property *that they already own in your city*.