I (48F) have a daughter who is (10F). She usually plays with these younger girls (9 and 7F) across the street in our neighborhood, who are sisters, and their mom has become a good friend of mine. Well recently, my daughter and hers as well as their mutual friend down the street (9F), have been getting into silly arguments. My friend always calls me up to complain to me about my daughter and what she says, but daughter always claims she was just standing up for herself bc friends were all ganging up on her. Like, for example, one time my daughter shared a fun fact she learned at school, the friends all started contradicting her, so daughter according to my friend "yelled" that the friends should just "look it up themselves."
So I thought it was time we had a talk. I invited friend over and told daughter to meet us in the kitchen. Friend then starts sternly demanding at my daughter that she "stop yelling and just telling people to look stuff up" because "its rude and not everybody has the power to ‘just look stuff up’". I firmly agree with her with a "yeah!" then thank my friend for coming over before she leaves. My husband (daughters stepdad) agreed with me and continued to echo the same things we did, claiming my daughter needs to be more of a "peacemaker." Daughter, with tears in her eyes, then heads up to her room. I follow her upstairs later and ask how she’s doing. She tells me friend and I both "backed her into a corner" and "didnt give her a chance to speak." I reiterated that she needed to be a better friend and be more diplomatic with others, and that she’s not always right.
Recently, I’ve been having second thoughts about how this was handled. My husband is often tough on her and doesn’t talk to her the way you should with a child, but at the same time I feel daughter needs to learn how to take responsibility for her actions. WITA in how I handled this?
So your husband, who is not her actual father, is tough on YOUR daughter and does not talk to her like a child. That is fine for you and acceptable, since you clearly are comfortable leaving your daughter in this situation. Your daughter however, does not talk to other children like you want her to, so she gets sternly talked to by three adults, does not get to share her side of the story, and when clearly upset after get’s essentially told by you her feelings on this do not matter. Yes, YTA. My god.
Also: You were not there for any of these situations, you just believe the retelling your friends daughter told your friend over your daughters own version. And instead of talking to her, you think its appropriate to let your friend to the chastising. Between letting her step father treat her bad, believing everyone over her and then dismissing her and letting other adults discipline her you are really doing a great job to show your daughter that you will not protect her, you are not someone she can trust and that everyone matters more to you than her. Mother of the Year.
YTA
I’m actually not sure if you could be a worse parent, kinda blown away tbh.
You invited another adult over to berate your young daughter. Gave her no chance to even try and stand up for herself. wtf is actually wrong with you. Sounds like stepdad is borderline abusive and you’ve taken his tactics
INFO:
Did your daughter have the opportunity to give her side of the story?
And what exactly does this mean:
>”not everybody has the power to ‘just look stuff up’ “.
Do these girls not have internet or library access?
YTA and so is your husband. Are you actively trying to teach your daughter how to be a doormat? Or victim of bullies?
YTA. You are teaching your daughter to be a people pleaser, which is dead end. You are stunting her development and creating a set up for her to be disregarded.
You all have bigger problems if you think adults ganging up on a 10 year old is even remotely ok. YTA
YTA. We are our child’s first line of defense and you just fed yours to the wolves.
I saw in a comment you said you did not ask for your daughter’s side of the story. That should have been the first conversation.
What were you thinking??
You are the AH.
You tried to shame your daughter into changing her behavior by having another adult confront her and then piling on?
This is a HUGE parenting fail. I feel really bad for your daughter. You need to apologize to her and never, ever do anything like that again.
YTA for berating her without even getting her side of the story.. just believing your friend over your own child?
Not the route a decent parent would take
OP – there was literally no need for the other adukt to be there. WTF is a 10 yo supposed to do with 2 women berating her without listening to her side?
You cpshoukd have taken the feedback from neighbour and had a convo between you and your child. Tell her what you heard, ask to hear her side and then set ypur expectations.
YTA – for creating an intimidating situation for your child and taking away her voice.
Maybe that’s why she yells bc you don’t fucking listen.
Damn, kid’s getting bullied on all sides, by friends, a friend’s parent, her stepdad, and even her own mother. You didn’t even let her tell her side? Why?
People need to stop teaching their daughters to be people pleasers. This translates to creating problematic and sometimes dangerous situations in the future. Let her stand up for herself. And don’t call a person completely separate from the situation (the friend’s mom) to gang up on and berate your kid. Do better. YTA.
YTA.
This, this right here, the people pleasing, the being the “diplomatic” is what makes young women into people who accept ANY treatment.
Seriously, from the bottom of my heart… DO BETTER! She doesn’t deserve a life of being a diplomatic without PAY!
Teach her to stick up for herself, to say “NO” and if someone doesn’t accept it, pepper spray them.
WHY are you trying to take away her autonomy and make her smaller? WHY?
EDIT: I just re-read your post, and honestly lady… WTF is wrong with you that you take “Stepdads” advice over your CHILD!
You disgust me and are entirely what I’d expect of someone prioritizing “romance” over their flesh and BLOOD!
Again, DO BETTER!
YTA. So you and your adult friend ganged up on your daughter and insulted her because she stands up for herself and refuses to be a doormat? Because youre not telling her to be a peacemaker, youre telling her that when other kids insult her and get aggressive with her because of something she knows it right, she should back down and just let them walk all over her.
You have a strong, intelligent, independent daughter. That is something that should be encouraged because it will serve her well in life. It’s a shame that your daughter has bullies for parents.
Oh, and no she doesn’t need to be a better friend: she needs to GET better friends. You are the one who needs to be a better friend and mother to your child.
YTA. You’re a bully and a truly terrible mother. There’s something genuinely wrong with you that you thought any of what you did is reasonable.