As my partner and I got ready for bed, he grabbed my phone and water from the couch to bring to me as I walked out of the bathroom (which is next to the bedro9m). A thoughtful gesture. But I saw the TV was still on and a couple lights.
I said ‘Sorry, I’d take them but the TV and stuff are on. Just bring it to bed while I do this.’
I wasn’t upset, just stating facts and logically it didn’t make sense for me to bring my things with me back to the couch. He made a snide comment about what I had said l, like he was annoyed. I said again we couldn’t go to bed with things on and since he took those things and left the lights, I was going to do it.
He goes into the bedroom and in a rude tone says something about ‘You’re welcome for bringing your things. You could have said thank you, asshole.’
Immediately I’m upset and but respond on a more joking but annoyed ‘I was turning off the lights to get everything ready for bed. You haven’t really given me a chance to get to saying thank you. Asshole.’ After a moment I follow up with ‘I’m upset that you’re talking to me like that and didn’t give me a chance to say it and acting like I wouldn’t. I was shutting stuff down for the night for us.’
He gets angry, starts saying I basically was rude to bring up turning off the lights and it wasn’t only one. That he turns lights off every night. To this I said ‘I also turn lights off every night’ and try to explain again.
Now he raises hisb voice, says I upset him first, and then proceeds to talk questions at me (when someone asks a question but then doesn’t allow you to answer and when you do they get mad and say you’re interrupting). I said I was trying to answer him, not interrupt, and I don’t like how he’s talking to me. I also express I don’t feel heard and he is the one talking over me and took a turn in mood.
He huffs and rolls over in bed. Says a ‘I’m not talking to you anymore. I do not want to cuddle. I love you. Good night.’
I was hurt and said ‘I didn’t start anything with you. I just wanted to cuddle in bed. I’m upset with you and hurt.’ He tells at me and storms off to the couch rambling about he gave me so many chances, not even attempting to see any of what I said as important or acknowledge.
He has been in a bad mood today but I don’t think how he reacted was warranted. You don’t do a nice thing just to be thanked. Just because I didn’t say it immediately doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to. This all happened in a span of 30 seconds, so it feels like an overreaction.
It sounds like you were communicating clearly and calmly until he escalated things. His reaction seems less about the lights and more about whatever else he had going on that day, but that doesn’t make it fair for him to take it out on you. Wanting a moment to finish what you were doing before going to bed isn’t rude, and it’s not unreasonable to expect a partner to actually listen instead of jumping to conclusions.
It sounds like there is more going on with him but a nights sleep will probably help everyone relax a bit.
NTA but this is an extremely normal long term couple spat that would sort itself out on a better day. Just take care to come back to it when you’re both calmed down and address the mutual breakdown that occurred after the point where he misinterpreted what you said as malicious.
Ideally he would initiate the conversation and acknowledge he was wrong but I don’t know enough about him to say whether you should hold out for that.
Sometimes you come home from dealing with malicious people at work all day and just have your defense up around someone you shouldn’t, shit happens.
His reaction was definitely uncalled for, but could it have been possible that he was going to turn the lights off after giving you your things? You’re not wrong to be upset, as I don’t think you did anything wrong.
For me, and the way I was raised, I always say “Thank you” first. So if my s/o brought me my phone but there were lights I had to turn off, I’d say “Thank you. Can you take them into bed with you? I’m gonna get the lights.” But not everyone was raised this way, so I’d never redirect anyone to do the same.
He understands that you could have shut things off without saying anything. Instead, you brought it up, to him, so he would know that his gesture was meaningless.
That’s him making an assumption if that’s the case. It is common he will say the same sort of ‘Sorry. I’m doing blank’ and I understand he’s just busy/focused. A thank you usually isn’t the first thing he says, and I don’t hold an expectation of him saying thank you all the time.
I can shut things off without saying anything the same he could have brought those things to the bedroom without saying anything. Something I do multiple times a week without forcing a thank you or trying to guilt someone. Because if that’s all you’re in it for, the thank you, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
Is it possible your tone of voice was annoyed or irritated?
Because my first response would have been, “oh thanks, could you take those on the bedroom for me while I turn off everything for the night?”
Seems like a pretty easy “thanks” and ask.
You sound rude to me.
ESH
He blew up over… turning off lights? Then weaponized affection with that “I love you but won’t cuddle” manipulation? This is textbook emotional immaturity. You didn’t start anything—he escalated a non-issue into warfare.