I’m 21F and moving out tomorrow for the first time. It’s a big step, and I’ve been excited but also nervous. My mom (62F) asked me how I was feeling about it, and I told her I was both nervous and excited. She then made a comment about how I must be excited because I can "do whatever I want now." I didn’t respond, but she then said, "It’s a shame you have to move out because you can’t get along with people," referencing our strained relationship. I just replied, "Yeah, I’m not sure," but truthfully, it’s a complicated situation.
I know I’ve played a role in our relationship being strained, and I accept that. But I feel like they don’t acknowledge their side of things, and I’m not even sure if they ever will.
Anyway, I’ve spent the whole week packing up my room and preparing to leave, all while dealing with finals. Tonight, while cleaning the kitchen, my mom yelled from upstairs for me to turn off the music I was playing at a mid-volume because it was late. I told her I was busy but that she could turn it off if she wanted to. She told me not to use that tone, so I said, "OK." Later, as I was bringing my stuff downstairs, she asked me to stop making so much noise at this hour. I was frustrated, and I said, "OK, let me bring just one more load downstairs." She responded with something I didn’t catch, and I said something back as she closed her door.
At that point, I said something along the lines of, "It’s my last night in this house, and soon you won’t have to put up with me anymore." She yelled, "Shut up," which I’ve heard all my life. I broke down a little and said, "I don’t think so." She came storming out of her room, told me to "shut up, bitch," and slapped me twice on the arm, which I had raised to shield myself.
I know I played a part in escalating things, but I don’t feel like I deserved to be slapped. Am I the asshole for snapping at her, or is there more I should have done to handle the situation better?
NTA, move out and enjoy your life without the abuse.
Honestly sounds like she’s mad you’re leaving because now she’ll have to argue with herself.
What happened after the slap? The story ends there.
u/XgoosecommanderX I went to my room and cried for a bit- I’m not a cryer usually but it got to me
nta. she’s just showing why you need to move out
NTA, I can’t believe you made it to 21. I left at 18 and moved across the country and I had a good upbringing. I couldn’t imagine dealing with this all my life. Go and enjoy life
NTA
Your mother is abusive. Abusive people get abusive when they feel their control slipping.
Your mother’s comment about you getting to do what you want now is her saying “I’m losing control.” Instead of handling her emotions like an adult she is lashing out.
Move out, and go low contact with your mother for a while. Give yourself space to gain independence and perspective. Therapy is always helpful for those with abusive parents.
Also, having a strained relationship is not your fault. Your mother has been the adult for the majority of your life. It was on her to foster a healthy relationship. She clearly failed. Don’t blame yourself for her bad behavior and poor parenting skills.
NTA. You could’ve handled the situation better and so could she. All in all it sounds like you’re gaining more independence and she’s grieving you going. That being said, there’s no reason it needed to get physical. She’s a major AH for that one.
NTA. I would never tell my mom to turn the music off herself Lolol you ballsy BUT she shouldn’t have stormed up to you in your face or smacked you cause wtf my mom used to do that to me when I lived with her and I would be like ?!? Girl what am I supposed to do youre my mother. Then I’d go into my room and cry so don’t feel bad about that. It’s a shitty moment and natural to cry when shitty moments happen.
I am so happy for you that you are moving out! Props to you & doing it during finals. I hope you pass with flying colors and celebrate yourself however that is you do. ❤️
I’ve always thought “shut up” was an abusive phrase. Especially when speaking to a child. It sucks that it’s something you’re so familiar with hearing from your mom. Adding the “bitch” and the slaps says everything else anyone would need to know about why you’re leaving.
Putting that part aside, your mom’s feelings are hurt that you’re moving out. She has a shitty way of expressing herself, but she’s going to miss you, and she may be worried about you and fearful about living alone. I’m awfully sorry your last moments at home with her were so unpleasant. If she were thinking straight, she might give you a nice big hug and some practical advice. Here is some she might have shared if she weren’t being a self-indulgent, poorly self-regulated asshole…
*Get renters insurance
*Don’t let anyone stay more than 3 days or get mail at your address (unless you want a roommate that you can’t make leave without an eviction notice).
*Pay your rent on time
*Make all repair requests to your landlord or apartment manager in writing and follow-up if you haven’t heard back within 3 days.
*Be nice to your neighbors, but don’t lend anything you can’t easily pay to replace.
*Do not give any new “friends” your address until the 3rd date.
Finally, don’t let anyone tell you to “shut-up” or call you a bitch because they have the communication skills of a cranky toddler. There should be no room in your life and especially your new home for people who treat you with casual cruelty and disrespect. Bless
Thank you so much for the advice, friend! Definitely taking notes…
I think you are just at your breaking point and it is definitely time to move out. You just don’t need toxicity in your life, even if it is your family.
I’m sure you both have heightened emotions right now and are quick to be triggered. But you will never do anything that makes you deserve to be slapped or yelled at. Your mom’s behavior is hers to own, it is not on you.
If I was your mom and it was your last night at home, I would be helping you and trying to spend as much times as I could with you. I wish you the best and enjoy your space with your move.
Thank you so much for replying! That is a good point- we are each responsible for our own behavior- myself included. Have a good night!
Nta. Same thing happened to me the night before i moved. Just sucks that the cops didnt think it was worthwhile to pursue charges
You made the right choice moving out, terrible that people are making excuses for a 62 year old woman being so poorly behaved.