I want to preface that my boyfriend is a very generous and caring person, we have lots in common and have lots of fun together but there are some issues with food that are starting frustrate me and seem a bit selfish. If i’m being perfctly honest, they are making me quite anxious. I do think that maybe these food habits derive from an underlying ED. He is quite obsessed with weight, his and others. He works in an industry where looks matter and I think its made him very hard on himself.
We have been dating for just over a year, and we have been on many holidays together. On our first holiday, we went to lots of bakeries/ shops that sell sweet treats. He would order a couple of things and want to half everything. Except for breakfast, because he doesn’t eat breakfast, we shared everything on that trip. Even dinners, I couldn’t have to myself, he would expect me to share. Instead of a sit down breakfast I ordered something takeaway which is not what i’d normally do on holiday. but I did it so it wasn’t weird because it would be just him watchinf me eat. On our last morning when I went to get an egg sand which takeaway he made a comment like "he didn’t think i’d usually eat something LIKE THAT for breakfast" which felt like a put down but I brushed it off.
Ever since then, a standard has been set that we just share everything when were together. All snacks and meals, I’ve tried to push back on it but hes gotten upset implying that its selfish that I wouldn’t share. Even a small chocolate bar we have to half. But theres been many many times that he has eaten more of what we have been sharing / he eats at a very fast speed and i’m a slow eater so naturally he ends up eating most of it. It’s started to completely take the enjoyment out of the eating experience as I feel like I have to speed eat to make sure I have a semi fair amount. I also feel full from 1/2 the food it takes him to get full. When splitting something small like a cookie or brownie he always expects to have the bigger half. Sometimes I just want something to myself and I feel scared that if I say I want something to myself that hes going to get upset. So now I just would prefer to not share anything and be able to just enjoy my food slowly without the stress of him eating into my portion or wanting a bite of anything that I have.
One time on holiday I bought a cookie with coconut on it (which he dosen’t like but I do) and another thing and he went on for 15 minutes about how he couldn’t believe that I’d gone and bought something that we couldn’t share and implying that I was selfish for doing so. I told him that I like coconut and I bought it because I wanted ti try it but he still thought I was unreasonable for buying something for myself that I wanted?
On our last holiday, we had a fight because I wanted to have a sit down breakfast for the first time, he tried to talk me out of it by saying we don’t have time and cant I just get something takeaway? I put my foot down and said that I haven’t had a sit down breakfast on any trips we have been on and it made things really tense. I felt so guilty and selfish for wanting to do that but I knew I needed to or i’d resent him for always getting his way on this.
So now I’m nervous as we haven’t seen each other in a while and were about to go on a 4 week trip together. I brought up the breakfast thing, because of what happened on our last trip. I said when were in cities i’d like to buy a sit down breakfast as thats a nice experience for me and i’m really looking forward ti it. but part of the trip we are camping and obviously I can make something on those days. Hes made it well known that he thinks getting a sit down breakfast is going to eat into our time for sightseeing (It really wont ) but he has agreed if its only in these particular places then thats ok. I’m nervous once I get there hes going to try and pressure me out of our agreement and say we dont have time to do that. We even hinted the other day after we made the agreement that maybe I could make something in our accommodation for breakfast.
So am I the asshole for putting my foot down and not backing down on me wanting to have a sit down breakfast on holiday even if he doesn’t ? and making a blanket rule from now on that I do not want to share any food with him going forward
EDIT: Where I think the ED stuff comes in, is that he is always trying to control how much he eats which I think he struggles with. He loves to eat and finds it hard to control himself sometimes. It seems as though when I get something for myself, he gets food envy and wants to eat something too. So he tries to control my eating so that he doesn’t eat more often/ as often as me. I think the breakfast thing is that if we sit down he will feel as though he will want to eat too so hed rather avoid it. If I want a snack if were out he will sometimes try to convince me not to buy one because then he will want a snack etc
This is a bizarre dynamic and not at all okay. You need to have your own food. He’s starving you on purpose, he’s not accidentally taking more of the shared food. Dude needs therapy, but even if he got it I wouldn’t personally trust him at all.
Don’t take this bs anymore NTA
E: I’m being deadass serious. Taking from your portions, commenting negatively on your food, and trying to rush you so you either don’t eat or eat something smaller is all sending up massive red flags for me.
IMO your edit is totally unnecessary because your original take was correct. This is abusive and honestly scary.
I really just didn’t think I was being clear enough
Sometimes we relate so strongly that we just want the OP to really hear us. Nothing wrong with that imo.