I have been with my girlfriend for a little more than a year now, and things have been great. We have talked about our futures, our plans for life (individually and also as a partnership), and we have generally been really happy together. But I feel like I’ve done something wrong
We have a sexual relationship, and I’d say that we are both sexual people, but there are times where she’s more sexually inclined and others where I may have a higher libido which has been something not too hard to deal with. She has her own place, so we are able to have privacy and make sure everyone is comfortable and enthusiastic about sex before doing anything.
I say all this to set the stage that: We are two very young and in love people, who typically don’t have too many problems.
I am a very anxious person. I am diagnosed MDD, OCD, severe anxiety, and also autism. I take medication for said OCD but my anxiety seems to never be able to go away. This anxiety comes out a lot, and to be honest it’s embarrassing. I cry a lot. I apologize for everything. In general if I’m emotional, everyone knows and I am not so good at holding it in. I don’t have explosive fits of rage or anything, I literally just get extreme sadness and cry when I feel I’ve done wrong.
We, of course, have talked extensively about this together, but there’s always this lingering anxiety that I am an awful person. I am worried I’m gross, and sexual, and that I should be punished. I feel very wrong about what I’ve said or done during sex. I recently came out as being into power dynamics and stuff, and she expressed extreme enthusiasm in trying it out, and it was fun to get into. I am not typically a super sexually-minded individual but I can find myself having a lot of fun during sex despite problems with orgasm and the likes.
Also, a week or so ago, maybe more at this point, I got high at her place with explicit consent and permission, and I honestly was a bit sexual. I was very touchy and kissy, but she actually explicitly told me multiple times that she was “very into it” and that I was “very sweet and cute”. But, I’d say sometime in the middle of the night, she was sleeping, and as we normally do, I kind of caressed her, kissed on her, etc (mind you I was still high out of my mind). This is nothing weird for us, we both do this to each other and have established that this is more than okay, and even wanted. She likes physical affection like that. It goes further than that at times, we have dabbled in waking each other up for sex and things like that, and again, it has been explicitly asked for and enthusiastically consented to. But, this night, I think, while I was still high, I think I may have possibly gotten a little handsy and even kissed on her down to her lower back and stomach (or at least that region, I wasn’t exactly fully in the moment when it comes to awareness). I felt so bad about this in the morning and I talked to her about it, but she said everything was okay and that she was shocked when it happened (it woke her up) but I stopped immediately and she has stuck to the point that she is okay and that it was okay what I was doing, just shocking or unexpected.
But, a few days since I’ve come out as being into the power play, and we’ve dabbled in it maybe twice, things have gotten weird. There are a billion reasons that run through my head, but something seems seriously wrong. She was very clearly feeling “not sexual” I guess you could say. Not like explicitly telling me “No, I don’t want sex”, but there was a very clear vibe that I took note of, and that vibe being that she was not feeling very sexual. I am more than okay with not having sex, so this was fine with me of course, but where I struggle more with is a lack of any personal or physical intimacy in general. Not of the sexual variety, but cuddling, hugging, eye contact, even holding hands. It brings me so much comfort and calms me, and if I’m being honest with myself, I am extremely scared of losing that affection.
When I sleepover at her place, I typically cuddle or hug her throughout the night, but as of right now, that’s a no go. She smacks my hands away, and even pushes me away when I even accidentally bump into her in the bed. It’s as if touching me/ me touching her is the worst possible thing that could happen. And it gets even worse, in the mornings when she’s getting ready for work I feel like the act of even saying “I love you” is hard to get reciprocated. I choke as the words leave my mouth every time, and I often cry right as the front door shuts, and I’m again left alone. I feel like asking to hug is a chore. And all I can think is that I’ve done this to myself. I must be a gross pig or something. I’ve been too touchy or sexual and I need to work on it.
She tells me that something’s wrong but she won’t tell me what. I am losing my mind. I am so freaked out, and I don’t even know what to do. I love her so much, and I feel so sick that I’ve clearly made her feel bad. I am being 100% honest in this post.
I just want to know if there is something I’m missing, or maybe even that I am overthinking it as she has said. She said “It’s not a big deal, I just want some space, and I’ll talk about it soon” but I am so anxious and riddled with guilt and fear that I cannot calm myself down. I never meant to do wrong. Sorry if some of this post seems disconnected or something, I was trying to get everything down that I though could possibly influence the possible story that has played out an thought it’d be helpful to lay out.