24M – We’ve been together for just over 3 years now, our relationship seemed like it was going strong, I was about to ask her to move in with me and was going to propose to her this coming summer. Everything felt perfect, there was no communication on negative feelings, hell she even unprovokedly brought up our eventual wedding plans all excited a couple days ago. I wake up to a text that she’s breaking up with me and her mom was coming to pick up her stuff within the hour. That is the literal first thing I see when I open my eyes to wake up. She ended up coming over and talked for a minute but that was it. 3 years of my life and future gone within an hour. She kept re iterating that I didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ve beaten myself up the entire day about what I could’ve possibly done to make this happen. I’m not a perfect person, but I gave my entire heart and soul to her, and I feel like I did not deserve for it to end this way. She was my first real relationship and I seriously do not know what to do right now. I didn’t have a singular thought about my future that didn’t involve her and the family we both wished to grow. I feel like my entire life and future was just crushed up and thrown away with no time to process any of it. Everything was perfect, I really thought I found my soulmate.
Too young you got plenty of time to figure it out with someone that’s better for you
It sucks, it was definitely handled poorly on her part. I know this doesn’t sound feasible or even reasonable right now, but cut contact, focus on yourself, and time will heal you.
This is really the only advice imo. Maybe add therapy if it gets real rough. And I hope this doesn’t come off as inconsiderate, but if it was going to happen to OP it sounds like it couldn’t have happened at a better time. Being 24 and single and able to really focus on yourself and long term goals is a blessing.
I am really sorry though OP, nothing will really make you feel better atm you need to process this and that part really sucks. I remember when I went through this at your age. I’m 33 now so take it from me, it gets way better my man, if you let it.
The lesson here is not to orient your life around another person. Do what *you* want and/or think is best, and if someone comes along, great. Always remember everyone is hedging their bets for the next better deal.
For now, focus on productive habits: gym, art, work, etc. Resist the temptation to drink and so on.
First of all, I am so sorry. It is truly awful to be blindsided like this. The first cut is the deepest.
Now, first thing is not to internalize the break up and blame yourself. If you’ve been a good bf, it’s not your fault. Secondly, know that it’s not normal and utterly gutless for someone to break up with you over text especially after 3 years.
There are a coupe of things I see from your passage:
1. Was she unhappy? Did she communicate with you that she isn’t happy? If not, she’s a shit communicator.
2. The sudden and gutless break up via text – it is plausible that she monkey branched.
For you right now, you have to retain your frame as a man and not demean yourself by chasing, pleading and begging her. This will only push her further away. She wants the break up, she can have it and live with the consequence of it – when your presence isn’t valued, gift them the gift of your absence and trust me, she will feel it. You may not know it but SHE WILL feel it.
Go strict no contact – do not view her stories online, do not stalk her profile, do not talk to your mutual friends about the break up and do not social pout by posting heartbreak memes. Just go ghost. At least for 2 weeks or more.
There are too many things to type but I recommend you to go watch “Coach Lee” or “Coach Blac” on Youtube. I found listening to their videos calm my anxiety when going through the same shit.
Last of all, focus on yourself now. Go to the gym, reconnect with friends and family, get a hobby. The world is your oyster now so do whatever you want. I mean…..do whatever you want that adds value to your life. Stay away from alcohol or drugs.
Edit: Another good, no nonsense channel is “Olderbrosays”. He’s good and he speaks the truth because I’ve experienced myself a lot of things he said.
Edit 2: You’re not alone. Most of us went through the same thing as you. At this time, it all seems bleak and hopeless. The main takeaway is that you WILL be ok. Since this is your first break up, this will certainly make you a better man. Nothing changes a man better than a broken heart, an empty stomach and an empty wallet. We all are tangible proof that it’s going to be fine and life goes on, whether she comes back or not.
So, it’s the end of your first serious relationship.
What you’re going to do now is hurt for a while, grieve the end of it, feel unsure about yourself, probably go through a period of anger, and probably spend some time thinking that your life is really fucked up now
That’s all normal. Just control yourself and don’t do anything stupid because of it, don’t make any important decisions for a few months If you can possibly help it, and know that it might take months or even a year or more, but it’ll pass.
It’s really normal to keep asking yourself “why.” Thing is, it doesn’t matter why. She decided for whatever reason that she doesn’t want this with you, and she gets to decide that. Yes, that fucking hurts. That’s okay, see above.
Sorry about the heartache.
One of the red flags is you making your entire life revolve around her. That’s one step down from putting a girl on a pedestal and the results are almost the same.
Take a short time and accept that it’s over. You had a great time. Then focus on improving your career, hitting the gym to improve your body and mind. Then either take a hobby to the next level or find a new hobby.
Something happened, and you may or may not ever know what it was. And you have to learn to be okay with that, as much as it sucks.
Why assume you did anything wrong?
10,000 assumptions could be made.
Personally, with the way she handled that, I’d wish her well and get on with my life.
You think it might be easier said than done. My first serious breakup messed me up for years.
Don’t let it mess you up.
Ahhh the death of a dream. It hurts, but it seems like you are the type of guy that is strong.
You’ve had tons of great memories. What is the past is now gone. It’s super hard. However, what you lost was only the anticipated though of a future. You already experienced 3 years.
You didn’t lose here. You had a experience out of this. The only way here is to channel the energy, love, thought, back onto yourself and eventually another woman. This time you will be choosing her from a different position, a different point of power. Good luck man! You got this!
Sounds like she found someone she is more into. Let it go and move on. You are young and will have more loves in your life.
It’s not your fault. Most likely she’s seeing someone else and doesn’t want to tell you. If/when the new guy doesn’t work out she will probably try to get you to take her back, claiming it was just a mistake, etc. whatever you do, don’t ever give her another chance. Sucks, but you have to move on.
You’re young, and whilst this may feel like your entire life now, but you’ll come to learn that there’s more to life. Consider it a bunch of lessons, and in time you’ll have more relationships that you can compare it to.
As for the pain, it goes away. Even if the pain just fades into a malaise, it does go away. Focus on yourself, clearly you have things going for you.
I’m sorry mate. But the fact she handled it like this should tell you that she’s not the person you thought she was and you shouldn’t waste any time thinking about her selfish ass. Go full no contact and get out there and start having fun. You’re in your prime so get out there and sow some wild oats.