My wife and I (both in our 40s) have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We have always traditionally spent $500-$1000 on each other each Christmas. We also each spend about $1000 each on gifts for family and friends.
This year, she was laid off from her job in October, and hasn’t found a new job. We have separate accounts and pretty much split the bills proportionate to our old incomes. We each do have access to companion cards that the other has. She has been using her savings for some bills, and using her companion card for the account I primarily use for paying bills as well.
Today, she said she was thinking about it and thinks that maybe we shouldn’t get each other gifts this year. Honestly, I’m fine if she doesn’t get me something. But I don’t know what to do about getting her something. Part of me thinks if I don’t get her something, she will be disappointed. The other part feels like if I do get her something, she will feel guilty.
Please help a brother out! 🙏
Edit: thanks for all of the quick and solid advice. I loved it and appreciate it.
Also, for those that have mentioned things, she does have access to my savings account as well and knows it is available if she needs it. She just wants to feel like she is contributing. We have had discussions every couple of weeks though where I am reassuring her that we are in this together and I’m not going anywhere.
Why on earth are you asking internet people and not communicating clearly with your partner. ‘Is this a trap’ dude you’re in your 40s. Is the time for games not over yet?
I mean you’re married and you won’t be for much longer if you don’t even know this answer. Good couples effectively communicate you guys are clearly not.
That being said…make her something that is free and extremely personal. Don’t spend more than a few bucks for wrapping paper but make it something she will emotionally love.
Hand build box for love letters of photos of the two of you….jar of homemade lubricant for your wild nights….photo album of your children…dirt from the first trip the two of you took together…a fart in a jar from an amazing meal she made!!!
You just gotta do something personal to let her know that you love the small insignificant moments in life that the two of you have together.
Unless you’re super ugly the breadwinner and she’s extremely attractive and superficial then it’s 100% a trap! Buy the jewelry or whatever
What if you guys did like a $20 budget, or handmade? Maybe a card?
We did this one year and it was hilarious. We laughed and had a great time. I still have the cheap plastic toy train she bought me. That was 30 years ago. I’ve forgot most every gift I ever received, but still smile thinking of the train. It’s the love, not the money 💰
My wife and I say this often but usually sneak each other gifts. It’s probably not a trap though as a guy sometimes it feels like. Just love yer wife for who she is and all the wonderful gifts they give us each day whether we deserve it or not. Sounds corny I know but I’m just a guy doing guy stuff and often tryin to appreciate the things I should more than I do.
Don’t get a gift, share an experience
This. Way more romantic and will impress your partner way more than some “thing”. And people in their 40’s generally don’t need more stuff anyway.
It’s fair and very mature of your wife to request not giving gifts as she lost her job and money is scarce.
Perhaps bring her out to a nice dinner or plan a super romantic picnic somewhere. It’s cheaper but meaningful.
Get her something you both enjoy, like a nice dinner or getaway.. Experiences together sometimes have more value than material gifts anyway, at least for me.
You’re married, have separate expenses, when only one partner has an income and the other is trying to survive off their income? That’s a new definition of for rich and for poor.
Dude, your gift should be giving her money to buy Xmas gifts for other people, b/c you said you guys spend about 1000$ on other people.
lol, for 35 years married and 39 together our money has been one pot. I haven’t paid a bill since 1986, she takes care of all that stuff, I’ve always concentrated on earning. Agree with her so she doesn’t spend her savings but buy her something decent or maybe a weekend get away for the both of you, being married is easy as long as the mutual respect is there.
You sit down and you MAKE her something. ANYTHING.
The harder it is for you to make it, the more effort it will take you, the better.
Needlepoint? A drawing? A poem? A carving?
It doesn’t matter.
How did ancient men express their love and affection? Poems, drawings, songs… They picked up a chunk of wood and carved a bird.
Go and do something
Your wife is unemployed and using savings to pay shared living expenses and doesn’t have money to buy Christmas gifts? JFC. May this kind of love never find anyone.