My partner’a brother (25) lives with us currently and since he was out of work for awhile and unable to pitch in for rent(he now has a job but has yet to pay any rent), he agreed to certain chores around the house including but not limited to; taking out the trash and recycling, changing the litter bag in the automatic cat litter box, cleaning out the cat’s water fountain weekly and changing the filter monthly, and letting me know when food was running low in the automatic feeders so I could order more… for the last two months, he has gone out of his way to tell me how he deep cleaned the cat’s water fountain and changed the filter and filled it and everything was good- even adding how gross it was and how it “took a long time” well last night the fountain stopped working and I took it apart to find it completely clogged with muck and the filter absolutely disgusting and I went to grab a new filter after cleaning the entire thing and …the filter box was unopened meaning the filter has not been changed since it was purchased…two months ago… the fountain was riddled with bacteria and an absolute shit show- there is no possible way it had been cleaned since I have last cleaned it because before he was cleaning it…I was and there’s no possible way for it to get that bad after the couple weeks it has been since he told me he cleaned it…
Well today my cat had blood in her urine and I took her to the emergency vet right away and she had a uti most likely caused by bacteria most likely from the water fountain…. $800 later she’s out and on antibiotics and pain meds and is chillin…it’s almost 1am now and the cat and I just got home …everyone is asleep … tomorrow I am considering asking him to pay some of the vet bill since it was highly likely it was his fault and he clearly lied about something that was actually really important (there’s more backstory about other things he does and just helps himself to but that’s not related ) is that appropriate? Or what does one do here?
I think you need a more stern approach and need to speak to your partner first.
explain what happened and tell your partner that if the brother does not pay the FULL vet bill you want him out. Its one thing to not be able to contribute financially, but, housing isnt free and he was given tasks that he was not taking care of.
NTA unless you don’t stand your ground and protect your cat from this lazy dude.
NTA, you need to protect your cat – it’s a responsibility.
Absolutely appropriate.
You’re all being generous to him. That’s cool.
Brothers can be lazy and messy. Whatever.
Pets are living beings that require care. Their ‘natural consequences’ results are emergent and expensive, as you know.
Now he can know, too.
NTA that’s absolutely appropriate! it was his responsibility!!!!!!!!!! get your partner on the same page as you and then approach him
NTA – an educational moment. You have a very solid head on your shoulders and probably already know what you need to do. Then, reality kicks in. When a behavior is unintentional, I’m channeling Judge Judy here, then asking for half is reasonable. Pulling out of a parking space and hitting your neighbors car that you didn’t see falls into the ooopsy category and we pony up. However, if it happened with a teenager, the adult usually asks for half. A lesson to be learned. Here, we are missing a few of the pieces: 25 – right at the cusp of brain function and clear thinking for males (factually) and a lack of taking responsiblity – doubling down on the lying. That would push me over into the “ask for the full amount”. Since it is your partners brother, I would ask/inform him of the issue and get his buy in for the consequence or it could backfire upon presentation. And. to consider all the other ‘it depends’ that are behind the relationship up until this moment. First and foremost, trust your gut. Then consider how you will implement. You got this. Goo
You need to take over the care of your cat, he can’t be trusted. Start charging him rent or kick him out. He clearly doesn’t care about your cat’s health. What else doesn’t he care about? NTA
NTA. But don’t confront the brother without speaking your partner first— not to ask for permission but because your partner also needs to know what their own brother is up to. They should know you’re upset and rightly so.
I wouldn’t do so confrontationally (you are a team after all and no one ever feels good in that scenario), but genuinely express everything in a honestly. Be firm on your stance on how you feel about their brother paying the vet bill or needing to move out given all he had to do was chores with no bills and he did not. The result is highly likely to be a result of his own actions and he needs to own up to it. Irrespective of if it can’t be proven, he had a chore he agreed to, didn’t do it and had the audacity to lie about it for months while living rent free.
For all you know your partner may feel just as angry and decide to handle it themselves or come up with the an even better more convenient option for you regarding their brother. All in all, I wish you, your partner and your cat the best.
Talk to your partner first thing in the morning, do not approach your BIL until you are both on the same page.
Your partners reaction will tell you the pecking order in the house and whether or not he will hold his brother accountable.
If he will, make BIL pay the FULL amount, its one thing if he forgot but he didn’t, he gave elaborate speeches about doing it so he definitely made a choice not to do it and as such, needs to pay up in full.
If your partner wont hold him accountable, pack a bag for yourself and take your cat somewhere safe for a few days and have some time out to think about your relationship and if there are any other signs that you may have been missing or ignoring.
If worse comes to worse and you decide you cant not trust your partner anymore, consider the $800 the price of getting divorced before having children
NTA but you need to just kick him out. It takes like 5-10 minutes to clean a fountain and change the filter. He flat out lied to the point of making up stories and it seriously affected the health of your pet. There is zero way I would allow that person to continue staying in my home (or if my partner refused to back me – I would leave). Who knows what else he is or isn’t doing.
My ex’s brother did something similar – not to my pets directly but definitely could have harmed or k\*lled them. He left something plastic in the oven that burned/melted while he slept, then lied about the horrific smell and mess in the oven, THEN tried to hide the item that melted (something that couldn’t be replaced). I kicked him out that night and he had to sleep in his car. Putting my pets (and others since we lived in a townhome) in harm’s way then lying about it is a 100% deal breaker for me.
lying about cleaning the water is a big problem. it signals he will also lie about other things. he needs to go just for this reason alone. having said that, without irrefutable proof that the dirty water caused the UTI it isn’t the best idea to demand money for the vet bill.
NTA… but never pass off something as important as your pets welfare. Lesson learned.
ESH it’s completely appropriate for your partner’s brother to contribute to the domestic chores in the house. It’s not appropriate to get him to look after your cat. That was a poor decision on your part. Your cat is your responsibility. Why on earth would you get someone else to care for your own pet?
He should never have lied about completing the tasks for your cat. He should have negotiated different chores.
He caused neglect of an animal. Honestly I’d be asking him to leave.
NTA, but also I wouldn’t personally ask for money back. The consequences should be “right, you have money to your name, now find somewhere else to be”.
Your pets are your responsibility, and you’ve just learned a valuable lesson about looking after your own pets. BIL now needs to learn the consequences of not contributing when he says he does, and needs to move on.