I’m a 31-year-old married man with a child, and I love my wife deeply — we’ve been together since I was 18. Lately, whenever I try to be intimate with her, she often says no and tells me that she wants me to do things that make her feel loved first, like taking her out or spending quality time together. I completely understand and respect her feelings, but I’m struggling with how to manage my own sexual urges.
Because my needs feel unmet, I sometimes find myself feeling attracted to other women or even thinking about my ex, although I have never had an extramarital affair. I don’t want anyone else — I just want intimacy with my wife, and I’m finding it difficult to cope with the frustration.
I’m wondering if what I’m feeling is normal, or if I’m overthinking the situation.
You both have needs that are not being met. She’s telling you as much.
You need to keep her happy too my dude.
Exactly. She’s doing exactly what she’s supposed to do and clearly stating unmet needs that would turn her on.
She’s telling you what she needs as well. That’s part of your job as a husband. So unless you make an effort to fulfill her needs as well, don’t expect any progress. If you make the effort and then she turns you away, then there’s something else probably afoot. But until then, make some effort to romantify your lady my dude.
Honestly, you need to do what’s she’s asking.
She’s not asking for blood, she wants to be wooed.
Always gotta make her feel like you love her bro.
Never stop chasing her just because you got her.
As for the sex drive issue? Jerk off, and stay the fuck away from other women. Think with the right head.
you said it all. why isn’t OP doing what his wife is telling him to do.. i know it’s the bare minimum to communicate, but i see other men complaining about their wives not telling them what they need and the men say “im not a mind reader”, but here’s a woman telling her husband exactly what she needs and somehow he still has an issue
Great advice. She’s telling OP exactly what will make him sexy to her. And it’s not a hard ask. Who doesn’t like a fun date and quality time with the person they love?
I think you need to do things that make her feel loved, like taking her out or spending quality time with her.
In nearly every divorce where the man feels blindsided and surprised that his wife is leaving him, she will say that she spent years asking for what she wants, and being ignored. She’s telling you what she wants, and apparently she’s being ignored.
Don’t do that.
Banished to couples therapy, both of you.
But also how about you start spending quality time with your wife LOL. She gave u an answer and u just don’t want to do that? If u have urges take the time to do your part too.
You have needs that aren’t being meant, and that’s causing you to be attracted to other women. She has needs that aren’t being met, and guess what?
This seems like something that could be easily resolved. Talk to her, meet her emotional needs, and see if she doesn’t meet your physical needs in return. Or vice versa. Talk to her.
Try having at least 1 romantic evening every week at a favorite restaurant and after desert, come home and enjoy each other, then every 2 weeks get a couples massage. My wife and I have happily done this for 18 years and it is WONDERFUL! Good luck!
When you are married, you **also** need to prioritize your partner’s needs and happiness. Your wife clearly told you she wants to feel loved. This is perfectly reasonable. To what extent are you doing this now? Also, note **IT DOES NOT COUNT** if you, say, take her out on a date and it’s clearly so you can get laid that night.
Because it’s not “I love you” as much as “Doing this will get me laid, yes?” So you may feel even more confused and frustrated if, let’s be honest, you’re only doing these things to get laid.
Especially when you have a child, it is **VITAL** that you spend time together as a couple, going on dates and spending quality time together as a couple. Or your marriage will die. Make quality and affectionate time with her a priority. And whatever you do, **DO NOT EXPECT SEX AS A DIRECT RESULT**.
You’re overthinking the situation if you’re trying to find some way to have more sex with your wife without working to make sure her needs **AS A PERSON** are met. Not just as “the mother of my child.”
Do small things man it’s not that complicated. For me personally right now my wife has been working a ton and I am in between jobs so I’ve felt kinda useless as of lately. But everyday I do my best to let her sleep in while I take care of the kids. I do chores to try and keep the house clean. She likes to make her own coffee when she wakes up (I don’t drink coffee) so I put a clean cup at her coffee machine and clean bean thing for her and refill the water. If I’m out and about without her I’ll bring her home a Starbucks or chocolates or something. Send her funny memes. Randomly text ‘I love and miss you’ throughout the day.
Two days ago my wife and I were up drinking and just hanging out together. I mentioned I was craving some shitty tacos from Taco Bell and she said she was too. I texted my mom to see if she would watch the kids for about an hour the next day and we went and had a shitty taco date lol It was a fun cheap break from the kids. We also can’t get enough of each other in the bedroom when the kids are asleep or at the grandparents. Just gotta keep treating her like your best friend because that’s what your spouse should be.
As for the feelings of exes or porn or whatever. My wife isn’t always in the mood when I am and vice versa (she works night shift). Post nut clarity is a real thing so handle your business and you’ll feel better. My wife and I both watch porn to get off when we need to but we also try to initiate with each other first. We also communicate extremely well and I’ll tell her anything and she will do the same. But absolutely don’t pay for porn and don’t comment or interact with the actresses because that’s crosses emotional affair territory in my mind. Hope this helps some OP
So when you think about other women do you expect to click your fingers and them to just jump straight on your cock? Do what you would do to get them to fuck you but for your wife.
Do you only remember about her when you get horns and otherwise treat her as invisible?
Quality time is not super hard to come by and doesn’t have to be expensive. She just needs you to be there and fully present. Is there a movie or tv show she wants to watch? Pop a bottle of wine and watch something she likes. Together on the couch in close proximity .
Doe.shw like music? Maybe cool a dinner and play something she likes. Or find an open mike or a concert that you could go to and hear some.music she likes
If she likes outdoor projects, do some gardening or some kind of project together. Take a walk together around the block or go to the gym together.
Movies and dinner are great but it doesn’t have to be expensive or a grand gesture to connect. She probably puts up with a lot of your things like my wife watches sports with me. So.some of her things and be interested and present. Find a rom com you can watch or something you know she digs. Not everything has to be a home run. Life is full of mundane moments that you can choose to be present in and make more enjoyable.