I (24F) am coordinating a club outing for my best friend’s birthday (26F, L) tomorrow night. She broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years about 5 days ago and has been seeing this man (K) she has had her eye on for quite a while, and has built strong sexual tension with him for about a month. She has expressed to me that he fills her sexual needs, needs that were never met in her former relationship. However, she has told me that she hates him as their morals do not align. He has a history of criminal activity, and IMO is extremely selfish, misogynistic, and racist. She is not intending to seriously date this man, but simply wants her needs met by him (something he is aware of). Since she was living with her former partner, she moved in with this new rebound as she had nowhere else to live.
K got into a VERY heated argument with our other best friend (22F, J), where he completely disrespected her, calling her a whor3 for kissing a man at a club and saying that her deceased father would be disappointed in raising a whor3. To add, it is also this friend’s birthday that we are celebrating that night, too, as it is a group birthday (their birthdays are one day apart). J has expressed numerous times to our other friend, L, that she absolutely does not like him and feels extremely disrespected by him.
She asked me if I was comfortable with him coming that night (I think she asked me rather than J because I have a bad tendency to be a pushover), and I said no. AITA?
NTA. But you’re really putting yourself in a pickle be being the self-appointed gatekeeper. Especially if you describe yourself as a “pushover” who isn’t comfortable asserting authority over the guest list.
Let the friend group admonish L on their own for her terrible judgement in getting into a relationship with someone she considers vile and bringing this person around your friend group. That’s firmly on her.
NTA. Ooooooooooooo BOY that is loaded. If he’s been disrespectful to people she cares about, he’ll eventually be disrespectful or worse to her (I’ve seen/had this happen). And 5 days is nowhere near long enough. He knows she’s still emotionally vulnerable and is taking complete advantage of that.
NTA…she’s being very manipulative, since she knows full well how this man’s presence will make your other friend feel. If she wants to be full on selfish, maybe this friendship needs a break.
NTA, but this isn’t your problem to fix; L should be talking to J, not to you.
You probably shouldn’t be planning group events as long as K is in the picture.
NTA.
If she keeps hanging around this horrendous sounding human, there’s a chance she may lose her friends over it. I understand the “need” to have certain things fulfilled but if she’s fully aware it isn’t anything serious, I don’t understand why she would want this person to have an impact on the rest of you.
agreed! keep that in your private life unless if it is someone you deem worthy of meeting friends. the unfortunate thing is we obviously already met them
If she hates him and only wants to use him for sex and a place to live why would she even want him to come? Did she get upset when you said no?
NTA, but you’re definitely in denial about L’s support of misogyny/racism/assholery. She clearly likes that shit, especially when she gets to watch it happen to her friends.
YTA. She can bring who she wants to a party for her. Now, is this a very good reason to NOT have a party for her?
#Yes.
But, if shes one of the guests of honor, she can invite who she wants.
(the solution is to not make her a guest of honor)
NTA. Yes it may be a party for her but there are other guests involved and if the rebound loser she is bringing over makes others uncomfortable, you have a right to set your boundaries and do what’s best for yourself and your other friends involved.
NTA, but time to plan separate parties.
I’d cancel the outing and plan something for the other friend later. I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of all that. Birthday girl can get her own event scheduled if she wants.