My friend is having an abroad wedding. This would be a large time and financial commitment for me. I agreed to go because he is a close friends and I want to be there to support him. The wedding is next year (they have not started the planning yet).
However, my birthday is next week. I told him about it a month ago and to keep the day open, and he said he would. I also mentioned it would most likely be at a pottery paintings studio. My life has been pretty stressful lately, and I wanted to do something relaxing that wasn’t going out to eat and drink. This is something I would genuinely enjoy. Yesterday I confirmed the plans.
But my friend told me he won’t be coming, because it "won’t be fun for him". And said he will come if we go out to eat later or cut a cake, which I wasn’t planning on doing. This event would have cost him $14 and 2-3 hours of his time. I got angry because I felt it was selfish and felt he was making it about him. And I’m probably also more angry than usual, because I went out of my way to go to his birthday party in the past, along with my willingness to give my time and money to attend his wedding.
I know it may seem so silly in the grand scheme of things, and a birthday and wedding is different. But I felt hurt by this, and told him I’m no longer attending his wedding. He said I’m making a big deal out of it. I might be, but this is the first birthday event I’ve organized for myself in my life, so I think it really bothers me he can’t make the small investment to come when I know he has the time and is supposedly a close friend of mine. To be transparent, I also have resentment towards him about his actions in the past, which have never been resolved, so that is likely feeding into this as well. I’ve stayed friends with him, because we have similar points of view on many topics and I enjoy our conversations.
From an outside point of view, AITA for deciding to no longer be going to his wedding due to this? I am open to critical feedback, just please be kind if you can, thank you
Tit for tat makes you an asshole.
You don’t say what the plan for your birthday is, other than it costs money, and won’t include cake.
He’s planning a wedding now and likely has to consider his spending.
Plus, do you want someone at your birthday that is having a bad time? Really?
If you have resentments about your friend, you should bring them up and address them. You shouldn’t hold on to them until you’re where you are, resentful and threatening to skip his wedding.
YTA
In the post I wrote, I mentioned a month prior that it would be $14 and at a pottery painting spot. He said he would keep the day open. He didn’t mention his feelings then. Yesterday, he only told me when I confirmed plans.
No I don’t want someone having a bad time. I think that’s partly why it hurt my feelings. I get enjoyment simply from spending time with my friends regardless of what we do. Especially if it’s something they enjoy and on their birthday, I would show up for them, even if it’s nothing something I would personally choose. That’s how I view it, but I understand others will disagree.
Ah I apologize, I saw the cost but missed the activity.
Yes
It’s petty
That friendship is over
I’ve been in this position before, where I realised how much further I would go for a friend than they would for me, and how little they even notice or appreciate the lengths I go to.
In every case I’ve experienced, that friendship ended sooner rather than later, often in betrayal and disappointment that I could have spared myself if I’d respected myself and my own sacreeifices more and stopped giving them to people who would sacrifice nothing or very little in return.
NTA at all, though I will say it may have been unwise to announce you weren’t coming to his wedding, as if in retaliation. That gives him a certain moral highground of calling you petty and talking shit about you. I would have just quietly cancelled the plane tickets etc and then gotten ‘sick’ or something when the time came.
Yes I did feel I was willing to invest more. And what you said about it seeming as if it’s retaliation makes sense. I guess there have been so many times when I was understanding of him and gave him passes, I didn’t want to do that again. So I had just kind of decided in the moment. It was an emotional decision for sure.
Not sure how old you are but I think you seem really irritated about this and some of it is justified but some of it seems like a lot depending on your age.
The decision I’ve made about weddings lately is I go if they’re close friends and it’s not too expensive. Hardly any friends have kept in touch after weddings so I try not to invest too much. He’s not even willing to invest in your bday and it sounds like you may think you’re closer to him than he is to you.
Outside POV, being kind as I can. YTA. Even if they are not being much of a friend, you could deal with this so much better.
Agree. Going straight to “yeah? Well I’m not coming to your wedding!” Is so immature and transactional. OP could have said, That really hurts my feelings and explained why, had an adult conversation. Instead they come across as petty af.
YTA – you need to learn how to communicate. You could have just replied, “this is my first time planning something like this and am a bit nervous. It would mean a lot if you would come and support it.”
You are bad at reading
YTA for trying to punish your friend rather than talking to him about how you feel.
NTA. Your response is neither petty nor overreactive. His stated reasons for not wanting to come to your birthday can be attributed to nothing but pure selfishness. Any decent friend would show up for you, let alone a friend who asked you to pony up the money and time to attend his upcoming wedding abroad. He is objectively not a good friend. If I was in your shoes, I would, from this point forward, consider him an acquaintance, at best.