So basically, someone just came up to me while I was talking to a friend in the line and told me I can’t make cancer jokes in public because her husband has stage four cancer (and she made sure to tell me that he had stage four AFTER I told her that I also have cancer, in order to one-up me). I immediately apologized for offending her, and told her I ALSO have stage four cancer. I told her that I should probably be more aware of other people with cancer’s feelings on dark jokes (now I wish that I hadn’t apologized because I don’t think I was really doing anything THAT wrong, but hey, I was being yelled at). BUT THEN she doubled down and yelled at me, saying that I still shouldn’t be saying these things in public (for context: the joke was about how I’m allowed to do whatever cancer-causing stuff I want to now because I’m getting chemo anyway- which admittedly is a pretty dark joke). So instead of backing off or apologizing after I said I also have cancer (it’s also obvious bc I’m bald and wearing a mask), she still told me I was in the wrong. So then I sit down in my seat next to my three friends, and I start crying and shaking bc I literally just got YELLED at for making cancer jokes by someone who literally doesn’t even have cancer (her HUSBAND does). So one of my friends, like the amazing person she is, goes over there and says, “Hey, you really upset my friend over there. She apologized to you, and I think you should apologize to her, too.” The lady basically just started yelling at my friend about how we’re in a public space, and that I was talking loudly, so I should be sensitive to other people’s triggers, and how it’s like making a su123ide joke in public. But like, we’re literally in a public space, and you can’t control what’s going on around you, which is what my friend also said to her. Then the lady just kept saying, "I’ve been through hell and back, I’ve been through hell and back," and my friend was like, "Okay, my friend (me) is going through hell right now, and everyone copes with things differently, etc". But the lady barely let my friend get a word in. THEN, her husband came over and basically said, “You know, I’m sure she (his wife) has a reason for saying what she said, and yes, your friend can say what she wants to in public, but she has to deal the consequences of saying it” (which also should apply to his wife, but whatever 🙄). She also told my friend, "I’m tired of being silenced about this!!" (which is actually kinda funny because by telling me that I can’t make the jokes I want, she’s also silencing ME). My friend doesn’t remember what else she said, but the lady was basically screaming the same stuff over and over again at my friend until they got up and stormed out. My friend also told her to “have a nice day” as they were leaving, lol (not in a passive-aggressive way, but like she didn’t know how to end the convo lol).
Did I do anything wrong in this encounter? AITA?
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Nta – you were allowed to cope with the illness that you have in the way that you need and want to. Just because it upset her did not mean she needed to scream at you.
Depends on what the joke was. You maybe are an asshole and maybe not.
But, I would not overanalyze her reaction. You triggered something in a person in a high stress situation. Their reaction may be more of accumulated stress release from everything else then just you specifically.
You are in the right! She should mind her business even if she might be having a hard time herself! Your conversation, your business, your situation. NOT HERS
You’re NTA. Once she said her piece and you apologized, she should have stopped right there and moved on with her life. She didn’t need to take her anger out on you.
NTA, she has no right to yell at another cancer patient about how they should behave re: their cancer. She should have apologized about her explosion yeah she’s stressed of course, but you should find better ways of coping than blowing up on another person with cancer.
Pretty selfish behaviour tbh.
NTA. I thought it was funny.
bro thanks !!! you’re the only one to have liked my joke so far lol (other than my friends)
NTA. However, its easier to be the person dealing with something than to be the loved one watching it and powerless to do anything but rage impotently. Maybe keep that in mind when in public? My coworker’s spouse is Stage 5 (I had no idea it went that high!) and she’s a hot freaking mess.
NTA, but my husband also has Stage IV cancer and I’ve discovered people seem to divide into two groups in this really shitty club; people who cope with inappropriate humor and those who take this Very Seriously.
I’ve also noticed a general trend that people who have had hard times or trauma before this, and just had to push through, tend to be more often on Team Shit Happens. By the time my husband had cancer, I’d already had lots of experience processing trauma with inappropriate dark humor because that and substance abuse were the only options I had most of my life and I no longer consider substance abuse an option. Cue the wildly grim jokes.
People who have led pretty balanced, functional lives where they didn’t spend years wondering what dumpster was going to burst into flames next seem to have what I’ve taken to calling “A Very Special Episode” vibe, where they’re bravely working through this very difficult time. I find most of those people are also surprised to be at the center of a difficult time and start from the assumption that things will get better.
Again, these are broad generalizations based on my own experiences.
NTA. It’s a public space. If she doesn’t want to hear things that are insensitive or triggering, she can stay home.
Yta. And it wasnt even funny.