(English isn’t my first language, sorry if something sounds off)
Me (F19) and my ex boyfriend (M20) were together for 5 months. In the beginning everything was amazing. He called me every night, texted all the time, wanted to see me every day. He brought me flowers on our first date. He talked about me to his friends. I even met his siblings. I really thought he saw a future with me. Looking back now it honestly feels like he was love-bombing me.
But after a while he completely changed. He became colder and distant. He stopped calling and barely texted anymore. I was always the one driving to him (we live 1.5 hours apart). And our dates weren’t really dates anymore. It felt like he only wanted the physical side. Whenever I tried to communicate gently, he got defensive. If I said I miss quality time, he made me feel like I was attacking him. So I would try harder to be like in the beginning and then he said I was texting too much. But when I gave him space he said I didn’t care and changed. No matter what I did, it was never right.
I tried to be understanding because he has school and two jobs. But he still had time for everyone else. He stopped saying “I love you” months ago. He followed random girls online and acted like he was single. Sometimes he would ignore me for hours or days to “teach me a lesson” if he didn’t like something. It just really hurt. And when I tried too end it he would come back and ask if I calmed down and just name call me.
Then one day we had a really big fight, because he ditched me again because off a stupid trip he had when we planned on meeting up. I was dressed, makeup on, I even lied to my strict parents about where I am going. I was so angry and I told him he is acting like a child, not like a man and how no man would stand up a woman that’s ready too drive 3 hours for him. And again he played the victim and said I’m horrible. After that fight we didn’t talk anymore.
Anyways after two weeks. I felt bad and thought maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I should just text him. So I put my ego aside and I texted him first (tbf he always texted me first when I was angry) He was still angry and said I never cared and that I could go 2 weeks without him. He said he doesn’t know what he feels anymore and that I can’t blame him after the things I said. I really tried too make it up too him, I partly thought he was being this dramatic on purpose too see if I’d chase him so I did. I kept texting him, telling him what I’m doing all the time and he would ghost me until he snapped at me and that was like my limit I really tried for days then told him that I get it and stopped texting him.
Anywaysssss that was what had happened now why I made this post! I didn’t reach out but he snapped me on Snap. I snapped back but didn’t text. Then another week later he texted me:
Him: “you’re an ahole” Me: “me?” Him: “yeah you” Me: “why?” Him: “because” … Him: “how is it going with other ds?” Me: “can you talk normal?
He started flirting this and that and eventually I just asked why he’s so angry and he told me “because I miss you”
And I forgave him and gave him another chance later I asked him too be honest with me and if he flirted or talked or did anything with anyone else during the time we didn’t speak and to be honest
And that’s how that went:
Him: “I f*** with a 28 y/o” Me: “what?” Him: “yeah” Me: “who?” Him: “doesn’t matter” Me: “okay” Him: “b**”
Basically he was so dry, wouldn’t wanna give me any answers the whole time, and change topics . He acted like it was nothing important.
The next day I asked again because part of me thought maybe he only said it to test me. That’s what he does, when he’s hurt he tends to say hurtful stuff too test my reaction and too see if I cared. So I told him I didn’t speak to any other guy and that I still cared about him, and I love him but I just can’t believe he actually f someone else. Especially because he knows he’s my first in everything. He just said something like, “well happens, I was dru**” and tried to change the subject again
I asked how he could be so calm about something like that. He just said, “What do you want me to do?” I told him I can’t do this anymore, and that I’m leaving. He just said “oh” I responded with “you would’ve done the same” and all he said was “yeah true” and didn’t try to stop me or explain anything… nothing. So I removed him everywhere. He removed me too the next day. It’s now been a week without contact.
What confuses me is:
Right after he told me he slept with someone else, and I was like okay he name called me Like I’m the one who did something wrong. It felt like he was mad at me for believing him or reacting so calm and with just an okay or that he’s mad at me because he slept with someone else.
Things he also said before were: “You wouldn’t even leave me if I cheated on you.” He also once stopped talking to me for almost a week just to “see how long I can live without him.” Or that he wants a three*way and say it’s just a joke when I got upset. Or that he wants too go back too his hometown and get married there, just too see how I’d react.
He always pushes to the extreme to see if I would stay. And when I set boundaries he acts like I don’t love him enough. And that me not accepting his bs means that I’m not loyal or whatever
So now I don’t know what to believe or what too think
Did he really cheat or did he just say that to test if i love him enough too stay? Does it still count as cheating even if we weren’t talking? And is he gonna come back?
I love him and I wanna work through this but, I really don’t understand the type off person he is.
He is emotionally abusing you. End the relationship.
> I love him and I wanna work through this but, I really don’t understand the type off person he is.
He’s an asshole. That’s the type of person you’re with. The fact he admitted to sleeping with someone and you’re somehow thinking this is a test is bonkers. He’ll likely cheat again if you stick around because apparently you just want love and not respect or loyalty.
I mean that’s why I told him I can’t do this anymore because I want loyalty idk maybe I was just reading into it too much too make it seem better then it is
You can’t work through this. All you can do is run, and please do it before you get pregnant. Ask me how I know.
He did not “test” you. He manipulated you.
He did not “maybe cheat.” He disrespected you.
He is not confused. He is controlling.
He is a bad person, and you deserve better.
He needs to be as far away from you as possible.
He needs to be ex-boyfriend now, if you ask me.
Yes, it counts as cheating.
Yes, he likely meant it.
Yes, he will probably come back.
No, he will not change.
No, this is not someone who can build a healthy relationship.
He didn’t lose you because you weren’t loyal.
He lost you because he never valued what he had.
You did the right thing by removing him.
You finally broke the cycle he kept you in.
And that takes far more strength, my dear friend, than you realise. I’ve been there, and this is your new beginning without him holding you down.
Omg well that was a punch in the face 😭 but thanks I really needed that and THANKS it really did take a lot off strength too just remove him but I’m curious how did he manipulate me?
You’ve got this. Despite the upset, in the end, this will only make you stronger. Please hang in there and reach out if you want to talk privately. Sorry for the punch, I need this metaphysical punch too once upon a time.
It doesn’t matter if it was a test or not. You do not do something like that to someone you’re supposed to love. Think about it this way, if you had a friend who told you her boyfriend was treating her this way, what advice would you give her? I would advise you to keep him blocked and move on.
Either way show him the door.
I think you do understand the type of person he is, but you don’t want to admit it to yourself. He’s an asshole and he treats you horribly. You need to stay away for your own happiness and sanity because he will ruin both.
Hmm I do but do you think he’s doing it on propose?
Yes. I think from what you wrote he is a very horrible and manipulative person. You deserve better than such a toxic person.
If he cheats on you, you should leave him. If he tests you, you should leave him. Either way, you should not put up with his trashy behavior. “I wanna work through this”: really? This is what you want for yourself? You can do better.