How Badly Did I Mess Up A Potentially Good Friendship: Me (23M), (22F)

To try and keep it simple, there is this girl that I’ve been talking to online for four months now. We met after I joined her small club in Uma Musume and joined her discord. We’ve warmed up with each other over the months and it’s even gotten to the point where we would constantly tease and flirt with each other in general chat and in DM’s. We are both shy. She’s even shyer than me, but she’s also comfortable with me compared to anyone else in the discord that isn’t her real friends. We even went on to create a big Uma club and a discord that will eventually be the base of our empire of multiple Uma Musume top 500 clubs that we set a goal to do. We were doing a lot of things together.

But then I did something dumb

When we were chilling together in a chat with some others, we were DMing each other and she asked if I was fat. I told her no and told her that I’m lean (which I am). She then asked if I had abs and I said yeah, and apparently she wasn’t surprised… which did confuse me as to why she asked if I was fat.

Then I asked if she had abs and she said yes. Then I became a damn creep and said if I could see her abs. Mind you, we both know what each other looks like by face, but me asking to see her abs was just super dumb of me.

But that’s not the worse part

Because she joked that she almost banished me from the discord. She said I was being levy but that she knew that I wasn’t actually being a creep to her and that it was fine… but I spiraled and thought I did the worst thing possible.

I went to sleep thinking that I just messed everything up. I felt awful because I genuinely wanted to get to know her, because she is really cool. I wanted to be able to talk to her more than we have already done at this point. We’ve have said so many things to each other, both in jokes and in deep ways. We’ve even started creating an Uma Musume empire together with her as the Leader and me as the Co-Leader.

This is where I messed up and need advice on

I went to message her today about what happened and how I was sorry. She was busy so we couldn’t talk about it yet, but at the same time I felt like she was ignoring because of what I did, so I started saying the dumbest shit like “Do you want me to leave?”, “I can give someone else the leadership and leave the discord and club if I’m making you uncomfortable?”, “I feel awful about what I said yesterday and fucked it all up”, etc.

Eventually, she called me and we had our first private discord call together in the DM’s and we talked about it. She was trying to tell me that she didn’t think anything bad of me and that it was all fine. That I was saying the things that I think she was saying or thinking, when it wasn’t real. But I just couldn’t believe that after what I did, sbe could be comfortable with me. I was being a creep so why would she still want me around after that? My mind at the time just didn’t believe it

Because I believed that I made the absolute worst mistake that ruined over four months of us becoming real good friends

I thought she would be uncomfortable with me and hate me for what I did, but she told me she wasn’t mad about the abs thing. She was mad that she was telling me it was okay, but I kept saying it wasn’t and that she should kick and replace me now.

Eventually things calmed down and we kinda just… sat in the call for like an hour and thirty minutes together, not doing anything. Would periodically say things, but not much engagement like we normally do. I told her that we can stop her now since it was done. We wanted to forget this happened.

But she told me that I needed to leave first. I didn’t understand why she wanted me to leave first. She could have left whenever but she said if I don’t leave first, then she won’t leave. So we stayed together for an hour. Eventually after us talking for just a little bit I decided to cave and say it. She wanted me to say that I was leaving and to actually do it. That she was immobilized and I had to be the one to leave first. Her other friends in discord were trying to ping her to talk, but she didn’t want to until I left first.

I left, but then saw she was still in the call after 3 mins and went back to ask why she was still in there. She said she just wanted to be alone for a bit and that she would be leaving soon. She still wanted me to leave… so I did again. I didn’t like her just being alone in the call and I told her that, but she said it’s okay. Just leave.

I left again and a minute after I left, she opened up a discord game that you play together with someone else but it was only me and her obviously. But she told me to leave, yet she pulled the game up? I wanted to join back, but I didn’t know if she was playing it by herself somehow, if she was still mad at me, or if she wanted me to come back again.

I didn’t join back and I wasn’t sure if that was the right move or not… but now I feel sad

We did say we were putting this behind us, but I believe I messed up whatever thing we had going on that was enjoyable and comfortable. I’m scared that from here on out, we won’t talk as much and she won’t want to be around me in discord anymore, and that’s not what I wanted to do at all.

I don’t know if I LIKE like her, but I know that I like hanging out and talking to her. I just wanted to get to know who she was on a deeper level, so I could understand who she was as a person. I wanted her to be comfortable with me. I’ve only ever been real with her, but I think it’s became too real too soon.

The same girl that asked to se what I looked like, and called me handsome. The same girl that said she wanted to draw me. That will jump into calls with me before anyone if she sees that I’m in the voice chat. She’s shy and doesn’t actually talk yet, but she’s only ever revealed her voice to me, outside of her IRL friends. Even if it was in small trolling jumpscare ways, she talked to me and she was warming up.

She was comfortable… but now I think she’ll never be after what I did.

So can someone please tell me if I messed up something I can never fix? I really like talking to her and she’s the only girl Ive ever had such an interest in online. She was like, the first to accept me, and trust me with being a co-leader to a discord full of other gamers.

Please just give it to me straight. How badly did I mess up everything with my spiraling of thinking that if I make one mistake in any human interaction, that it’s all over and nothing can be fixed? How badly did I destroy this?