My wife[40F] and I[45M] have been together for 8ish years. We have separated finances but split the bills. I cover all the biggest bills, like mortgage and car notes. She handles the utilities and smaller bills. Recently, I have been noticing that she has been asking for financial assistance on her end. As her husband, I help, but I couldn’t understand where her money has been going. I work 5-6 days on the road to provide for my family and this financial drain has been increasingly stressful on our relationship.
Eventually, we wound up going through her finances and I notice that for the foreseeable past, she has been giving away $240 each month for church tithes. I was visibly upset to see the cause of our issue. Upon hearing my problem with her financial choices, she said she had to give 10% of her income in order to keep our blessings. In a situation where this money was irrelevant, I would not care, but it’s causing problems in the house. She didn’t understand why I was upset.
She grew up religious and is continuing her learned behaviors. When pressed on the issue, she came up with a "compromise". She would cut back on the bills in order to appease me. This did the opposite. Her dedication to tithes in face of her not having enough money at the end of each month, and apparently withholding the ability to save money made me more upset. She is unable to uphold her end to our financial agreement and needs me to fund her when the church takes her last dollars.
How should I deal with this? Am I wrong for being upset over this issue?
Should not of married her
Agreed. Unfortunately this is the kind of core-values mismatch that usually shows up before marriage, and when it doesn’t, it becomes a long-term, high-stress problem inside the marriage. Religion and money are two of the biggest deal-breakers when they’re not aligned.
Yup. Mormons are going to Mormon.
Why is this just coming up now if you’ve been together 8 years? Has your financial situation changed? Matters of faith are difficult. For Christianity 10% is merely a suggestion, what matters is the spirit of giving. I worked for a church years ago and also come from a religious family and don’t know of anyone who goes by the 10% rule. Of course, that’s Christianity which might not be her faith.
Fundamentalist churches require 10% or you burn in hell.
Growing up catholic with a lot of family involved in the church we would give about $40 a month. WAY less than 10%.
NTAH
Your wife is being fleeced by her church.
It’s her money and it’s her choice, but she’s not holding up her end of your joint financial responsibilities so now it’s your problem too.
Exactly this. Whatever she chooses to donate is her business until it affects shared responsibilities. Once you’re being asked to cover the gap, it stops being just “her money” and becomes a joint problem.
Tithing is ingrained in her. She will rather lose everything than not tithe. It may take an outsider, like a financial counselor, NOT A CHURCH COUNSELOR, to make her see reason. Switch it around. Pay the bills first and then do whatever she wants with what’s left over. Until they get professional help, it will not get better.
D I V O R C E
Tell her that she can either stay married or give to her church, and then let her decide which is the bigger sin: Being divorced, or not being fleeced by scam artists in church robes.
God doesn’t wnt your money but the Devil dose. Tell her to look for a new church xx
You married an idiot.
If her church is one of the ‘seed the blessings” kind, they don’t care if you are on the street as long as they get their 30 pieces of silver. And if you tell her to stop/cut back they will convince her you are the devil.
Therapy may help, but I hate to say it, but be prepared for a divorce.
NTA
YTA for marrying that idiot.
Re-home her. Maybe leave her on the church steps, as your final tithing.
I hope you tell your wife this …
My mom gave to the church religiously. Then she fell on hard times, still had a small income from my dad retirement but couldn’t work. She asked the church (who she’d given thousands to over the years) of they could please help her with her electric bill <$100. They flat out refused. Said they weren’t in the business to “help” people.
WHAT!!!!
If your wife falls on hard times the church will not “bless” her and offer assistance.