How do I grow and improve as a loner recluse?
I’m a 23 year old male who lives at home with his parents and does online college. I have no friends or close relationships among non family members. I have no social media, never had a job, never really done anything in life.
I have just never been comfortable being “myself” I don’t really know what myself is. I couldn’t really describe myself. I have always just hated interacting with people regardless. It’s just a stressful experience for me. I can do it, but it just gives extreme anxiety and discomfort.
I have a deep fear that i was just born abnormal, and this will always be the way things are. For the past 5 years I’ve really done nothing but schooling. I could have gone to campus but what was the point? I just am an extreme loner, I sat alone most of the time at lunch in high school. I have had friends, but nothing really ever lasted. I’ve never been to a friends house, nor has a friend been to mine.
The worst part is, I’m sorta fine with it. I’m just used to it, it’s comfortable for me. Sure it sucks never having had a girlfriend or anything but at this point idk if I can change and I don’t know if I want to.
I’m not particularly happy, but I’m not really sad either
The only reason you wouldn’t be able to change is if you actively choose not to.
I was going to write a much longer response, but the gist is that, if you want to stop being alone, you need to go out and talk to people; there’s no other way around it. It can be at a job, in person classes… you can even start by just trying to have a casual conversation with people when you go to the store. A lot of people are much nicer and more open to making new friends than you would think, but it’s going to take a little bit of effort on your part too. Good luck.
Peace be with you.
-N
The only way to improve is through consistent intentional effort. If you only work to better yourself when it’s convenient or when you think it’ll work, you never will. You have to try to improve something with the knowledge you might fail when you don’t even want to.
Hey man, there’s no growth in the comfort zone. I’d suggest starting to go to the gym, and meditating. You’d be very surprised what you learn about yourself doing those two things.
>I have a deep fear that i was just born abnormal, and this will always be the way things are.
Probably not, our surroundings shape us the most. You can definitely change.
It’s not weird you are uncomfortable with yourself. You learn who you are by doing stuff. If you just passively do stuff people tell you to, you are not gonna develop as a person.
Unfortunately, you did miss the best opportunity to learn these things. And you are gonna feel different because you feel like you are behind. But like, most people have some things they regret not doing when they are young, you just have more than most. People will have some thing that they relate to you with, you are not “that” different.
>The worst part is, I’m sorta fine with it. I’m just used to it, it’s comfortable for me.
You might seem fine on the surface, but that is just because you have lived like this, you had to live with it somehow. But you are not really fine with it, you posted this. Find every reason you care, family, shame, inspirational fiction or whatever, write a goal in huge letters and put it on the wall. Avoid things you don’t have control over like “get a job”. Instead, stuff like “exercise 10 times by February” or “go to three student events”.
>I could have gone to campus but what was the point?
I am sorry to go deep but this is literally \*the\* problem. Well, I don’t know you, so maybe there is some problem like all of your shirts have swastikas on them or something, I dunno. But this is \*not\* how it is supposed to be. Why are you so certain that there is no point going to campus? You are either right, there is something making it so there is no point going to campus -> fix that and go to campus. Or you are wrong and just insecure -> go to campus. Otherwise this is defeatist attitude will keep you even further from developing.
Other random tips include, exercise (yes, it is a trope for a good reason), therapy exists, some exposure therapy like going places as a stranger? Eat at a restaurant alone, go to a concert, be a tourist in a neighbouring town, feel the relief that literally nothing will come back and haunt your day to day life. The only consequence is that you will feel more used to it, more normal, more confident.
I changed and matured a lot after I turned about 28. You’ve got time.
Yes but you need therapy and possibly medication, plus the gym. Trust me these are critical years in your life and it’s important to make the change now and not wait.