I’m 21M and am a virgin, even though I’ve had relationships. I was raised in a very traditional environment so the girls I was with weren’t interested in sex.
Lately I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about sex before and after marriage.
I’m a pretty committed Christian. I know that traditionally, according to my religion I should wait, it’s just lately I’ve been rethinking what my religion actually teaches about sexuality. And let’s be honest, my desire to have sex now has grown a lot lol. I want sex.
But on the other hand, even setting religion aside, I always feel like I wanna be able to offer that to my wife, the fact she’ll be the first and only woman I sleep with.
And I also am concerned that I may bond with whoever I have sex with and it won’t work out.
But on the other hand part of me just doesn’t want to wait that long. Part of me wants to go hook up tomorrow. So I honestly don’t know.
I’m wondering, the guys that waited till marriage, how was it? Would you do it again? How do you feel about it?
And on the other hand, if you don’t think waiting til marriage is wise, why?
So I’m genuinely seeking advice from men that waited, as well as opinions from men who disagree with waiting.
I’m open to any perspective.
If you do wait, make sure you marry someone who is also a virgin. Otherwise you might be resentful down the road because of how you ‘saved yourself for her’ and she didn’t.
^ This right here OP
That’s very good advice, thanks. I’ve heard this from other people as well. I’ll 100% keep that in mind if I do decide to wait.
I waited but my wife didn’t. Thing is, she never had ONS or FWB. Only relationships. And she’d had a real change of heart about it before meeting me. So our feelings about sex & its meaning & importance lined up. 22 years & we have an awesome marriage and active & fulfilling sex life.
Don’t marry a person without having sex with her. You’ll be surprised how many couples suffer from sexual incompatibility.
“The fact she’ll be the first and only” means fuck-all. It isn’t a gift. That said, do what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want to risk the heartbreak that comes with being intimate with someone and then losing them, don’t. I have regrets based on sleeping with someone too soon and I have regrets based on not sleeping with someone at all. Just don’t create any unwanted children.
It’s also not exclusive to waiting for marriage! The only person either myself or my husband have gone all the way with is each other. That was at 18 and we got married at 26 (uni, covid, house buying, army, paying for everything ourselves… engaged for 3 years but got there in the end!)
But yes, for both of us, being sexually compatible with the only person we’d be having regular long-term sex with was important. We waited until we were both comfortable but I don’t think I’d have personally married someone if waiting until marriage was important to them (not because it’s wrong but that’s one of my personal comparability points). I have friends who waited as they’re Mormon and they’re equally happy with their choice.
I grew up a committed Christian. I went to church 2-3 times a week and took it seriously.
I’ve been married nearly 20 years and only had sex with my wife. We had sex long before we were married, though.
There’s no magic formula for happiness. If you actually set down and read the Bible like a book (maybe start with the Gospels), you’ll see that the Bible doesn’t even *claim* to be a magic formula for happiness the way it’s presented in contemporary Christian churches. It sounds like you’re starting to realize this.
Some very Christian couples we know now are getting divorced. Real life is messy.
Oh yeah 100%. I don’t have any illusions about it being some magic formula that leads to a successful life. Fortunately that’s not how I was raised to look at it
As a 50 year old Christian man who waited until I was married at 27, only to have a very unsatisfying dead bedroom for 16 years and then finally for her to cheat on me, I say no, get out and get laid. My ex and I were not compatible sexually, she was a head basket and had other issues as well. That all being said, I’ve definitely sowed my wild oats in my late 40s. I’m settled down again with someone and the sex has been amazing! Just wish things works as well as they used too 😂
Obviously you should do what is best for you, but if it helps any with your Christian beliefs, my great aunt was a Catholic nun and she specifically told my wife and I we should have sex before getting married because sexual compatibility was critical in a marriage. She was more concerned about divorce than premarital sex.
I agree with her advice. You should make sure you are sexually compatible, and in my opinion, you want to find that out fairly early in the relationship.
I wouldn’t, live your life while you’re here
\++man
I wish reddit was around to ask these questions when I was your age. I (63m) had the same beliefs as you. Stayed a virgin until the wedding night when I was 25. The sad part is, I was still a virgin the next day too, but a very upset, disappointed, and confused one.
My (now ex) wife was as close to frigid as you can get. Zero desire for me in any way whatsoever. And when something did happen, it had to be planned out, done in the dark, and missionary only. No oral. No play. NOTHING.
Somehow I lasted 18 years before I left. That was 25 years ago and I’m still working on my self esteem.
I would \*never\* advise someone to do what I did. It \*destroyed\* me.
My only 2 cents… If you arent sexually compatable with your SO, the marriage wont last.
If you havent had sex, you have no true to life knowledge of how often your body craves intimacy. You dont know the things that turn you or your partner on.