My (32F) husband (40M) has kept a snack cupboard in our kitchen for about 3 years. It started with some snacks and over the years it became to the point that the entire cupboard was filled with snacks to the top of the cupboard. We have an apartment and somewhat limited space. I mentioned a few times over the years that we need that space to store other kitchen items because we’ve run out of places to put them, and I told him I’ll get him a basket to put them in the living room instead.
Recently, I’ve run into some personal issues including a bout of depression and inflamed gallbladder, so I couldn’t keep up with cleaning. This morning I felt able to finally go clean the kitchen. When I tried to put some pans in the snack cupboard because there isn’t room elsewhere, pans fell out so I didn’t have anywhere to put them. I ended up throwing all of the snacks away while he was sleeping which took up a full garbage bag. As a side note, I grew up with hoarders so seeing a disorganized space really affects me badly. I was doing my best to respect his snack space.
When he woke up and I told him, he said that he felt violated and "I would have liked if you gave me the bag and let me try some because some were unopened." Said he felt violated and not safe anymore. Note that the snack cupboard hasn’t actually been touched in years – It was just piling up until you couldn’t see any snacks anymore. I asked him which snacks he wanted to try and he said he couldn’t remember what was in there.
Did I overstep?
Edit: About a year ago, I told him "I’m going to throw all the snacks away if it’s not cleared out in a week." Nothing changed, so I left it up until now.
YTA.
It seems like it was a mixture of years of frustration, current pain, irritation he didn’t tidy while you were ill, and a sore spot (hoarding). You have to give someone an explicit warning before blowing your top.
What would’ve been fair is waking him up with “you are taking up too much space. Clear it out, you get one shelf. If it’s not done by tonight, I’m tossing it.”
That said, going forward, he gets one shelf and he goes through it weekly for old stuff, packaging, etc. If it overfills, you will throw it out.
This one is hard to judge. Undoubtedly most of those snacks would have been expired. If he couldn’t remember what was there then what was he keeping them for? Was he ever going to eat them? But they were his. But they were taking up valuable space in the kitchen.
Probably a very low stakes ESH
Does he hoard anything else elsewhere in the home?
YTA. “I ended up throwing all of the snacks away while he was sleeping.” How can you even pretend to be surprised by his reaction?
OP could have bagged them and just not thrown them away. Have him go through them when he wakes and figure something out.
YTA
It is his home too. He is entitled to have his snack cupboard. You should have talk to him first.
ESH. It’s pretty insane to that he hadn’t touched the cupboard in years. And it sounds like you asked him to clear it out a year ago, and he didn’t do anything.
But that was a year ago. You should have give him the weekend to sort out a few things he wanted to save (and that he would eat *soon*, not save for another three years), and then thrown out the rest. What you did was very impulsive — after three years, you could’ve at least waited until the morning when he was awake.
But having lived with a budding hoarder before — I understand. You’re still TA though.
YTA. You could have easily handed the bag of snacks to your husband & told him to care of it. Speak to your husband about a compromise. He gets one shelf in the cupboard & can’t add any snacks if they don’t fit correctly.
YTA. While I completely understand your frustration, I dont think throwing the snacks away was appropriate. If you saw they were expired, fine. But just tossing everything out without checking was an AH move. I think a good compromise would have been to move all the snacks into a bag or box and tell him he needs to go through them and get rid of some things because you dont have room to store them. Give him a final warning and chance to get it done, then he can decided what to get rid of.
YTA and overstepped. You have left snack cupboard unattended for years and suddenly had enough so you threw out his things, putting away the pans couldn’t wait until he was around to sort it out?
Growing up with hoarders is a side quest to hide your overstepping because he seems to have limited his messy spaces to a cupboard otherwise I’m sure you would have mentioned it. Where did the pans live before because it wasn’t in the snack cupboard thats been overstocked for years? Do you buy extra kitchen gear without having places to stores it?
i don’t agree with anyone here… i think NTA. if you gave him many warnings prior then i don’t think you’re the asshole here… keeping those snacks for years is kinda nasty bc chances are they were all if not most expired. also he said he felt unsafe?? you threw his snacks away that he kept for years and didn’t eat as if they were some sort of keepsakes. if anything i’d feel unsafe if someone was keeping expired food in my house lol. if he wanted to eat them he should have. not like he didn’t have years to do so
NTA
And I think most of those commenting are missing the part about the fact that although he continues to add to this stash, he doesn’t take anything out.And it’s all been sitting there… Some of it for over a year.
He doesn’t need ~just a shelf~
He needs therapy.
This is hoarding, and you know it.
YTA – you’re not the only one who lives there and these weren’t yours to throw away. You did this while he was sleeping, funny how that timing worked out…
YTA
Where’s the snack basket you said he could have? Why did you do it while he was asleep? Answer those two questions honestly and you’ll realize what you *wanted* to do from the start.
Even something as basic as putting them in a plastic shopping bag until he woke up and giving him a hard boundary of X number of items or “only as much as can fit on one shelf” would have been better than tossing everything.
YTA
What a rude thing to do. You could have bagged them up and let him go through them. You could have waited to put the pans away.
You have a whole host of excuses but it doesn’t change anything. You **share** an apartment with your husband, you don’t own the kitchen cabinets.
Plus, throwing away unopened food is wasteful. Especially in this economy. The newer, closed, items could have gone to a food bank or someone you know who’s struggling.