I (23F) just got a new roommate (35F), and I’m honestly getting frustrated. For context, I’ve lived in the Northeast for a little over a year. She moved in on November 1st after my last roommate (19F) moved out. Ever since she arrived, it feels like she has no boundaries.
She’s used my things multiple times without asking. The main issue is my space heater. It’s extremely cold here, and I usually keep it in the living room since my bedroom stays fairly warm. She asked to borrow it once, and I said yes as long as she gave it back when I needed it. No problem.
But two days ago, I noticed it wasn’t where I left it. I asked her, and she just said, “Oh sorry, I’ll give it to you now,” it was no big deal. Today, while I was at work, she texted me: “Hey, you don’t mind if I use your heater while you’re not here.” Not even a question, just a statement. I didn’t reply. The heater was in my room anyway, and she can’t access it unless she goes into my room, which she never has.
I think she’s asking because I’m going back home for a month soon, and I really don’t want her to use it while I’m gone. My mom says to just avoid problems and let her use it, or just keep it in my room with my door locked. I’m studying abroad in a few months and won’t be living here long anyway so she says to avoid problems.
But am I the asshole for not wanting her to use it? She’s a grown woman. If she needs a heater, she can buy her own. She works from home, so she’s here most of the day and maybe it gets colder in her room and office space. I don’t want this to turn into drama but I also don’t want to give in when she’s already ignoring boundaries.
There’s also the fact that within the first few days of living here, she brought her “BF” over unannounced at weird hours. I brought it up, she apologized, said she’d let me know in advance…and then did it again. My last roommate always told me ahead of time and never used my things without asking.
This is my first time living away from home and out of state, so maybe I’m not used to stuff like this. We’re both Hispanic Caribbean, just from different countries, so I’m wondering if some things are cultural? Idk. But overall, I feel disrespected/weird about it.
AITA?
NTA you don’t need to have a reason to not have her use your stuff. Say you’re taking it home/abroad because it’s cold and then keep it in your room and lock the door when you leave. Problem solved.
That’s what I was hoping I can say but I’m traveling on a flight and to a warm state so she definitely knows that’s not a possibility. I have to stay with her for a few more months so I don’t want to cause drama or cause her to just full blown starts having no boundaries but I could just be getting ahead of myself. Thanks for the reply
You don’t even need to explain anything. It’s not your responsibility to provide her with a space heater. Just put it in your room and lock your door.
I lent a friend a heater once. He used it so much the tubes broke in it and I never got it back as it didn’t work anymore, as the tubes cost too much to replace. Just quietly put everything of yours in your room the night before you go, then when you leave lock the door. A week or so before you go buy a WiFi enabled security camera so you can monitor your room from your destination to make sure she doesn’t break into your room and steal your things.
NTA – tell her your boundaries now. No, please buy your own space heater, you will need one – and then lock yours in your room. Sounds like she will ignore the other things like not telling you when there will be visitors. Not much you can do about that except tell her again. Otherwise just let it go since you are moving out,
NTA, it’s not cultural. She just sucks.
NTA
This is not a cultural issue; don’t buy into that.
“Keeping the peace” doesn’t apply to people using your things without permission.
NTA. Lock up your bedroom, have the boundaries talk with her NOW. Please shiny up your spine and let her know you don’t want her or her boyfriend in your bedroom.
Having visitors over is a personal thing you need to put on any future agreements with people. I would never accept someone extra in my personal space (room) but the shared areas are for common use. She could equally request that you let her know if you need the communal areas to be visitor free for your personal comfort. Like being in “home” clothes with a mud mask on.
The space heater is yours. Remind her that there is a difference between borrowing it for a bit, and assuming control every time you’re not around. If she needs it as often as she has lately, you would be more comfortable with her getting her own.
Reddit has a phrase,
**Don’t set yourself (space heater) on fire to keep somebody else warm**.
Tell her now, that she needs to buy her own space heater. You don’t need to give her a reason….. *because it’s mine. I am choosing THAT IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BUY YOUR OWN SPACE HEATER*. I’m not yelling I’m just emphasizing.
I could not live somewhere if at any given moment a man in his thirties could appear. Maybe adults don’t need permission to invite their boyfriends over, but they definitely need to inform
INFO: Have you ever corrected her misapprehension that you don’t mind her using your space heater? Like, sorry she didn’t use a question mark, but it seems like that text was probably meant to be a check-in. Nowhere in your story do you mention casually saying, “hey, actually I’d prefer you not to use my space heater.” Is she supposed to guess that, from you having said it was ok for her to borrow it that first time and then not correcting her later?
If you have at some point clearly said to her that you actually DO mind her using your stuff, then she sucks. But if you haven’t…
NTA.
“I was happy to lend it to you once, but if you need to regularly use a space heater you need to buy one for yourself”
If she’s having issues with the radiator in her room she needs to speak to the landlord. It’s a red flag she’s 35 years old and trying to push your boundaries given the age difference.
What else has she used without asking?
Yeah that’s a good point. We have a very cool landlord and he mentioned to me while I was looking to beware of a big age difference but liked her the most out of all my options. I’m not sure if she’s having problems but our LL is always around so I hope she talks to him about it
Thanks for the reply