I’ll cut to the chase as much as possible – I (F18) was making handmade Christmas for my boyfriend (M18) and asking his best friend Kylor (M18) what he thought – truly having a terrific night of gift making and studying. That was until I got a text from my boyfriend saying "when can we call? Cause I have some stuff we need to talk about" to which I immediately start getting stressed out – did I do something wrong? Make him upset? Forget an anniversary? However, I called him immediately and he rattled off that he had three things he needed to get off his chest. The first one was about school stress and that me trying to help him prioritize and plan studying and classes only added more to his plate (my fault, I will admit as I value school more than him and prioritize it differently), the second one was him apologizing for taking his frustration and anger out on me when he gets upset at school, home life, etc.
Then the banger hits: He admits to nearly cheating on me less than twentyfour hours ago. He said he had a fleeting thought of texting someone romantically (nobody in particular) – which maybe thats not a problem if it was no prior issues with it, however there is context. In his last relationship, these "fleeting thoughts" caused him to cheat on his ex 3 separate times with 3 different people. So, to me, it hurt and made me feel sick. The moment he told me I had an anxiety attack – I couldn’t breathe and almost puked. I’ve been cheated on before and he knows this and has told me numerous times that he knows how easy it is to cheat and that he thought I would do it to him.
I, after ten minutes of silence, ask for a few minutes away. So, the next ten minutes I text Kylor asking what to do and relaying what had all happened. Kylor told me to take a break, but ultimately that he had no say and wouldnt have an opinion on whether or not I should end the relationship. Kylor has been his best friend for years (even through the cheating) and told me I wasn’t an idiot and that it made sense that I was so upset and bombarded with the news. However, my friends don’t hold the same thoughts. Some think I am the asshole for thinking this was a big deal – one even saying that it’s "normal for guys to think these things sometimes" while others think I am an asshole for even possibky giving him another chance even though I don’t know what to do. So many people think I am the asshole in all of this – so, reddit, AITA?
Edit: I called him back after the ten minutes of silence and we talked through some major issues we have. I told him I dont know how to feel, and that I felt alone and like I could not trust him (he admitted that it wasnt the first time he looked for attention for someone else than me while dating, it also apparently happened a couple months ago) and he said it only happens when he gets really stressed out, which I replied with one of my biggest concerns: in 4 months, I am moving 2 hours away to my college away from him. So, how will he deal with stress if I am not there to give him attention? Either way, we talked about it and my feelings are still inconclusive. Hoping sleep will help me.
i wouldn’t give him another chance if i were you, you’re nta either way
but think about how much you would want a partner or loved one to respect themselves here, if your best friend was going through this you would want her to do something about it, right?
i would still try and have an open and honest conversation with him, communication is important but hey
you won’t be missing much if it doesn’t work out, not with how he behaves
he’s cheated before he’ll probably do it again
How long have you two been together? Do you yourself believe it is repairable?
Dont listen to those who say its normal for guys to be like this – its not. I promise you will find a guy who loves YOU and nobody else. Talk to him, dont listen to anyone else because it is your relationship, not anybody elses.
NTA, but equally neither is your BF. He was being open and transparent with you, and he didn’t actually cheat on you.
Even if he did, though…don’t let that define you. He may be a love, but chances are he’s not your last (you’re 18, so I’m just going with the odds). Take care of yourself, have confidence in yourself as a person and how awesome you are, and nothing that anyone else does will ever hurt you quite as much as you think it will now.
NAH.
Your boyfriend was trying to be honest and upfront. You were naturally upset because he’s cheated before. The fact that he told you about it could be a great sign, or it could be a bad sign – you won’t really know until you talk it out and see.
NTA
But
Look at this another way. He told you. He didn’t do it, and told you instead. That means you have a good hold on him and he values your relationship. But if you react super negatively, he might not tell you next time because the fallout is bad. If you plan to keep with the relationship you need to make sure you reward him for telling you these things so he doesn’t hide it in the future too..
But it’s very understandable if you feel he’s not trustworthy!
Once a cheater always a cheater.. never ever give a cheater a chance.
“It only happens when im stressed out” he sounds like a walking timebomb who can’t take no accountability
Break up immedialty
Long distance relationships are hard. Your concerns about what may happen when you leave are totally valid. If he’s this easily stressed and tempted when you’re able to drop everything and talk him down immediately, and school is a higher priority for you and that is stressing him, then I think at the very least, your relationship has an expiration date.
If you tell him that, he’s even more likely to wander. And yet blame you for his inability to handle stress. Maybe all you can hope for is that he be this open when he is ready to wander and just cut you loose before he unzips. Can you ask him if he cares enough to promise you this small thing?
Seriously, the only thing required not to cheat is to give your partner the dignity of a breakup /before/ it happens. Why is that so much to ask? I have never understood this.
NAH.
how would u be the asshole in this situation?
My younger sister recently got cheated on. The guy she was with had cheated on multiple girls before her, and even broke up with the girl he was dating before her after she said yes to starting a relationship with him. My sister knew that, but still thought he wouldn’t cheat on her. Lo and behold, it happened. All cheaters are the same. Once a cheater, always a cheater. They don’t change for anyone.
NTA. I’m sorry, but as much as you may love him, he probably doesn’t love you the same way. Sure, he didn’t actually cheat on you, but it’s bound to happen, especially considering what he confessed to you. It’s a pattern. Find someone who wants to become a loyal partner and not a “player who gets all the girls”.
The freshness of youth. You aren’t TAH obviously but I’ll point at two things.
1. Immaturity : Yes the mind wanders from time to time but we must weigh how much of our thoughts we tell people we love.
2. Indecision : You will eventually be cheated on. Why are you still in that relationship?
If HIS best friend is telling you to break it off I wouldn’t take that lightly. He’s seeing and hearing things you are not. Your bf is not loyal to you regardless of the fact that nothing physical has happened yet that you know of.
He put you on the defensive and then trickle truthed about his emotional affair. (Which could be more otherwise why is he so serious with his “we need to talk” intro?) NTA. Seems like he’s testing the waters for how much BS you’re willing to put up with. The answer should be none. He has no self respect and no self control. Get tested.
If this is how he handles feeling stressed out, then it would be a mistake to stay with him. Marriage is stressful. Kids are stressful – like they make college look like a vacation. You will never be able to trust him, and if you can’t count on your partner when times are stressful (you’ll always wonder if he’s texting someone), that’s a rough road.