I (25F) have been engaged to my fiancé “Mike” (26M) for 2 years. We’ve been planning our wedding almost since the beginning. For part of the engagement, he was away for work, and during that time his mother, “Rebecca,” started getting heavily involved in the planning.
My fiancé and his father are paying for the wedding. While he was gone, Rebecca came over and said we should discuss costs and what we “should and shouldn’t” do. She also told me to choose any décor I wanted and said she’d get it because she wanted me to have the “perfect” wedding.
I picked out things that fit my taste because it’s my wedding. Later, she came to my house asking to see what I had chosen. Every time I showed her something she thought looked expensive, she would remind me that FIL had a budget and we couldn’t go over it. I’m a people pleaser, so I kept agreeing to swap things out for cheaper options.
When my fiancé came back, she visited again to “plan,” but the conversation turned into our future and kids. I’m a student and have been very clear that I don’t want to think about having kids until after I transfer universities, which is about a year after the wedding. Both she and my fiancé already knew this.
She got upset. She tried to pressure me—showing me baby videos, talking about pregnancy, acting like I should already want kids. I told her it wasn’t her decision, it was mine and my fiancé’s.
She left angry. When I told my fiancé about it, he said he agreed with her. He said we’re “not young” and should start trying as soon as we’re married.
I got really upset and told him if having kids immediately was so important, he should find someone else who would do that. I sent back everything he ever gave me, including the ring.
Now his mother is reaching out to my friends so they can tell me that she and my fiancé have “agreed to wait” until after I finish my certificate.
So… AITA for walking away and giving the ring back?
NTA. And y’all dodged a bullet. Your ex sided with his mother about things that have nothing to do with her and is apparently happy to be in a relationship with his mother.
Like, it is not normal to include your parents (either side) with your family planning and you should run from people who think it is.
I watched my college roommate go through an ugly divorce due to the meddling mother in law. The divorce occurred when the last two kids were in college. I respect him for doing the right thing for the kids but it cost him decades of frustration due the evil, meddling MIL.
OP- RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!
NTA and don’t go back! If you all are already physical you will get baby trapped. He doesn’t support your education goals.
Bullet dodged, asshole-free life path reclaimed.
So true! Red flag galore here. You did right OP.
NTA and this guy is doing the dance of the seven red flags for you here. He can’t control what his mother thinks or says but his going along with her makes me wonder if he takes your university degree snd whatever career you are thinking of after that seriously.
I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest he might have baby trapped you but he may have thought you’d give up school if you got pregnant. Or maybe he’s so clueless as to think having a baby while going to school would be easy and you’d be able to handle it all, maybe even with you doing more of the work. I wouldn’t trust someone who thought like this and I sure as hell wouldn’t have sex again in case baby trapping is part of his plan after all.
And don’t listen to the bullshit they’re sending via your friends. That sounds like they are sending a pacifier. And “agreed to wait” sounds threatening to me.
THEY agreed to wait – like she had the right to make the decision!
And then if you think you will have a say in how your kids are raised or your career, house is run – forget it, you will be under their total control. You slipped a noose, keep running
Nope!
You set a personal boundary!
You are not a breeding mare!
Good choice. If you were 40 instead of 25, it would be a reasonable position for him, but…
I wouldn’t bet anything on him baby-trapping you as soon as the ring was on your finger.
Neither of them respect you or your right to decide about your own life.
NTA
Not young? Wtf does he think young is? I didn’t start having babies until my early to mid 30s, you’ve got SO much time to think about starting a family, on your time too.
NTA, run and run far away, don’t look back. Your ex didn’t have your back, your MIL is showing you early on what kind of if MIL she will be your entire life if you stay, take notice. This will not be a one off incident, go live your life girlfriend and forget about this toxic family.
NTA! My goodness! You’re 25, not 45! Not even 35! Both of them have ridiculous audacity to try to pull that on you. Baby videos? What?
Now you know what this guy is really like with his mother. And her dissing everything you liked for your wedding? No, no. All of this is part and parcel of you being the third wheel to their plans. You’re lucky to have seen it in action. I’m sorry he’s like this, but glad you don’t ever have to have his mother in your life again.
NTA
1.) he is not trustworthy
2.) he is immature as he is still a boy following ‘mom’ instead of staying to his own word
3.) the reaching out to friends… is IMHO disregarding of you, your decision
4.) he seems to be detached a bit too, like a wedding should be planned by the both of you, be a wedding for the both of you => IMHO no one should let anyone outside of the pair pay for the wedding => better to have a small wedding than one with wedding drama / ruined weddings per manipulations from the outside. => he should have been involved, bring in his own thoughts, speak with his father about expectations (e.g. does father want to add older generation’s friends so that does not come as a surprise), including about the mother’s ‘rights’ to give input => laying it all out, best per text aka in writing, if someone takes money at all (again, not a good idea IMHO)
5.) women should way more be aware about having not only a certification, but alsomat least some years of work experience in the field, so they can stand on their own feet, before even starting to think about children. Never cave to demands/manipulations before being truly ready. Own bank accounts, also savings not to be used for anything day-to-day/baby… during staying at home/pregnancy. Too many partner manipulate the woman into a situation where they are totally dependent on the ‘provider’, and only then learn the true nature of the ‘provider’
Very good for you to have seen the situation as it is, and ending it with him. I’d tell all the friends \~ it’s over, if he tries to contact you for e.g. mediating, please don’t, as… it’s final