For privacy sake I’m using fake names.
Me (18M) and seven friends took a trip to a vacation town. We had small arguments during the trip but nothing major. The real problem happened on the last day. There was a storm in the city and we had to rush to get cabs to make our bus home.
One friend, “Jessica,” had gone on a huge shopping spree and had around 20 bags. She expected everyone to carry her stuff, and because we were in a hurry, four of us (me, John, Josh, and Emma) loaded all her bags into one cab in the pouring rain. It took so much space that only one person could get in, so I took that cab while Jessica went with the others in the second cab.
When I reached the bus station, I learned the roads were closed due to flooding, so I went back to the villa. Jessica wasn’t there yet, so the four of us unpacked all her stuff again while drenched and cold.
When Jessica came back, everyone was tense and tired. She immediately said we were “making her a scapegoat,” stormed to her room, came back down, and called us egotistical. Then she started crying, called her parents, and said she didn’t want to stay with “those people,” meaning us. She said we were horrible and she wanted to cut contact. She went to stay with relatives.
Nobody wanted to stay in the villa after that, so we booked a hotel and had her relatives come pick up the bags she left behind. Later she sent the group chat a very vague, copy-paste apology, then left the group and messaged each of us individually with the same half-assed apology. None of us really wanted to talk to her at that point.
The next morning she tried to rejoin the group chat and called Gemma (the admin), who said no. She also spam-called me, but I ignored it. Later in the day I sent her a message explaining calmly how her behavior had hurt all of us and that she needed to take care of herself. I said this as a friend, not as an attack.
She blew up at me, saying I didn’t know what we “put her through” (even though none of us yelled or fought with her when she had her breakdown). She asked who I was to tell her anything about “taking care of herself.”
Now I’m wondering if I’m the asshole because she clearly had a mental breakdown at the villa and was emotionally fragile. My older brother said I overreacted and should apologize to “clear the air,” but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. I also think that apologizing will only make the message worthless in calling her out and enable her to continue her behavior ,and Gemma and another friend, Ray, heard what I wrote and agreed with me but said they would say to her that she needs to take care of herself.
AITA for calling her out even though she was in a fragile state?
You are not a Physician or Psychologist who has been trained to deal with the Mentally Ill .
Your friend acted inappropriately in several ways .You responded in the best way you could .
I would store this in the “Review Later in Life “ file and move on .
It is not your job to be her Therapist OR to stay friends with someone who mistreats THEIR friends .
NTA.
INFO: What was said that caused Jessica to accuse everyone of scapegoating her? I highly doubt that she just walked in the door and spontaneously started shouting. I bet she’s probably still the AH, but leaving (whatever set her off) out of the story is not telling it fairly.
We were tense from the whole situation and she kept complaining so we got mad at her so she went off on us
Nope, still too vague. Don’t reply to me about it, though, just edit your post to include the specific thing(s) actually said to her right before she went off.
NTA.
This world doesn’t favor the feebleminded. People like Jessica are a dime a dozen – overly emotional, tech-addicted drama queens. I can assume based on what you wrote that Jessica is well-off financially, and probably had her ass wiped by her parents her whole life. So here’s some advice from a private investigator below the poverty line:
Fuck her. She’s likely never had to deal with the real world. Her “mental breakdown” and emotional fragility is the fault of herself and the parents. It’s not your responsibility to juggle people’s feelings like that, and you should show no sympathy to her when she essentially ruined your vacation. Good on the server admin for cutting her off. If I led your friend group, I would excommunicate her and move on.
Consider the reality of the situation: she’s obviously well-off enough to purchase twenty bags of items. The fact that she’s that financially irresponsible proves already she’s not altogether there, mentally. Then she has the audacity to expect your group to carry it, and have a drama breakdown when you wouldn’t.
Life’s too short to deal with drama or be someone’s therapist. Whatever her ultimate fate, you’re not responsible. The hereafter is filled with morons like her whose thirst for attention cost them everything. You should enjoy the satisfaction of never having to deal with their shit again.
I’m genuinely sorry your vacation was ruined. And from me, you can tell your older brother and anyone else in your group who defends her to grow up. Nobody cares about how she feels, or should.
NTA for not accepting her apology. The fact she blew up after you didn’t shows it wasn’t genuine because she feels entitled to forgiveness.
I would say calling it a mental breakdown and telling her to take care of herself is too much – if anything that’s too nice. She lost her temper, she needs to be accountable for that and genuinely apologize and be better, it’s not like she needs a psych eval for that.
But you can use it – tell her you’re sorry for implying she lost control of herself, and that you’ll need some time and to see that she really has grown before fully forgiving her for taking out her frustration on you and the group when she could have stopped herself and chose not to.
Why apologize at all? She’s obviously nuts and a liability for the pack.
I didn’t mean that an apology was owed, probably a poor choice of words. more that OP could catch her out – people like that want to not be seen as unable to stop themselves when it’s convenient to avoid consequences but don’t actually want to be seen like that the rest of the time. So if she’s mad at someone saying she needs help then she needs to sit with the consequences of her actions.
Agreed, that makes sense
NTA Your friend sounds spoiled. She needs to grow up.
Info: I’m confused what did she think you were making her a scapegoat for? What did she think was egotistical? When she came back after you had unpacked all her stuff again, you hadn’t said anything to her before she said these things?