We’ve been together for three years, and recently moved into a new apartment where we share one and a half rooms: a small room of about 10 m² and a larger one of about 24 m².
He has a desk in the smaller room and wants to turn that space into both a music studio and our shared bedroom. When he first mentioned the idea, I got upset. I told him I’d feel really unhappy if he essentially took over that room for himself. We both love making music, and we also need to sleep there, so I wanted to feel included. He said, “Of course we’ll share it.”
But after thinking more, I realized something important: it would actually make my life a lot easier to have a desk of my own in that room so I can focus on my work and grow my business. I even found a desk, and we picked it up together.
But when I told him I’d like to use that desk as my primary workspace, he suddenly said:
“You’re not allowed. We should share it.”
That hurt. I felt frustrated and sad. He still doesn’t seem to understand that having a dedicated workspace is a real need, not a whim. Even during therapy today, he continued to resist the idea of me having my own desk he said that he would want to use that desk no matter what.
The only thing he agreed to was letting me treat the desk as an “emergency” option until we somehow find a solution for both of us.
Right now, I honestly don’t feel at home anymore. It feels strange and unfair that I can’t even have a desk of my own in the place where I live.
Am I losing it? Or is this actually as weird as it feels?
You can do whatever you want to. He cannot dictate you by saying “You’re not allowed”, you’re his partner not his child. If he used another word and give you a reason like there no space or something else then it would be different
Maybe this is a moment to take a step back and describe what exactly your work/business-related needs are, and how that relates to materials, storage, tasks, and time spent. You could ask him to do the same for his own work.
Then you can re-approach the topic of what your respective needs are, and how these needs would translate into necessary hardware and furniture allocation.
I think this approach could help you make an evidence-based case for why you need dedicated space and resources for you to do what you need, while also remaining cooperative with him towards a shared goal.
Never stay with a guy who says “you’re not allowed”. Leave him asap, break the lease, whatever you gotta do, get the f away from him.
“You’re not allowed”?
This is as much your home as it is his and he doesn’t get to dictate what you can and can’t do in shared space
A guy who tells you ‘Your not allowed’ is not worth keeping. The relationship should be equal rights. It doesn’t and you should be able to use the desk how you want. He does not have control over you. The way he made you feel is not acceptable. Move out on your own somewhere else where you can do what you want.
I’m confused on a few things, (sorry if the answers are obvious I’m still waiting for my first coffee to kick in).
1) Wtf do you mean you’re “not allowed?” What does he do if you use the desk? O_o
2) Isn’t you using it as your primary dedicated business workspace the same thing that you got upset with him for with the music stuff?
3) Why are you combining these workspaces with your bedroom when there’s another larger room free?!
Is he your dad?? Not allowed?! Girl if you don’t bum rush past his ass and put YOUR desk in there and also tell him to F Off. Why does he think he can even speak to you that way?
Time to move on
That is a small apartment for two musicians to live and WFH from.
People drastically underestimate how important having your ‘own space’ is in a shared living situation. Even a nook.
He is probably feeling claustrophobic and gasping for air.
I had a similar issue with my wife when we lived in a small city apartment. It didn’t take long for us to realize that the only real solution was a larger home.
In the meantime, we made practical compromises. We coordinated our WFH days so only one of us was home during the day whenever possible. If we both had to be home on the same day, one of us would go to the library or a coffee shop for a few hours to make some breathing room.
That apartment was great on weekends when we could kick our feet up and relax – but it was a pain in the ass to get work done.
This is partly a communication issue, and also a structural one, and it probably will not resolve itself anytime soon. One option could be asking if he would be willing to attend a therapy session or two with you, so a neutral third party can help you find a compromise that feels fair to both of you.
bro how do people live their life being so fucking weak and helpless omfg
OP what the fuck is this post even for
why is he in therapy with you? you clearly need therapy of your own jfc.
Wtf not allowed??
This definitely sounds weird and unfair… So now there are two desks, and he’s trying to claim ownership over both? Why does the music studio need to be in the same room as your sleeping space? Like, why can’t the 10m room be a shared music studio with individual work spaces and the 24m be a shared bedroom? What is his rationale?
Is this a shared rental? Are you both on the lease?
“You’re not ALLOWED”??? What the actual fuck? Why would you stay with a person who values your needs so little?
I am so confused.
Is there a bedroom and a main room—like a living room? (I’m sorry, I’m from the US and I don’t understand room and half room).
And why does he need a desk? Why do you? Do either of you work from home or study? Are you saying he wants to use a BEDROOM where you sleep as an office and a music room?
It sounds like you guys needed a 3 bedroom apartment so you could each have your own rooms plus a shared bedroom.
I don’t see how you’d fit 2 desks, a bed, and music stuff all in one room—or why you’d even want to? Even two desks in the same “office” would make no sense because how can you work and focus when someone else is in the room too?
Sorry, the logistics don’t make sense.
I don’t understand “allow” either. Or “emergency use”?
If it’s your desk, it’s yours. Not shared. Regardless of where it gets placed. He has his own why would he need yours?