I was dating a girl for almost a year. And for most of that time, things were amazing. The relationship was moving slowly, but it also felt deeper than any of my past relationships. I really loved her to the point I was really thinking of a future with her. The problem was, when she got stressed out (not even by me), she would just completely emotionally check out and become avoidant. That happened for a full month early on in our relationship and I broke up with her then. But she wanted the relationship enough that she locked back in and we talked. That’s her coping mechanism when things get to be too much. She came from a troubled family and that helped her get by. And I was a child of neglect, so her checking out like that and disappearing is pretty triggering for me.
With better understanding of each other, we tried dating again. And things were great for several months. But not too long before that one year mark, she gets stressed out again and once again she checks out. Three weeks I try to be understanding before I just can’t anymore. I feel alone in the relationship. She knows how that makes me feel. So I try to talk to her, but she’s still in her own head, so she doesn’t care much about what I have to say. I make the decision that we aren’t going to work and I break up with her for the second time. It’s clear that this is going to be something that’s going to keep happening and I just can’t deal with that.
The reason I’m asking if I should apologize is because I was kind of emotional when I broke up with her. And that made her defensive, so she lashed out. That escalated things into a full blown argument and we both said hurtful things. That was over a month ago and we haven’t seen or spoken to each other since. She blocked me on everything, so I can’t call or message. And I still don’t want to date her, because I still believe it’s true that we just aren’t compatible because of our issues. But I thought maybe I’d send her an apology pizza and see if she’s willing to sit down and talk one more time, now that the emotions have passed. Maybe give us both closure and leave on a better note. Maybe even as friends.
So, what would you do? Am I being dumb and should just drop it? Or do you think since I’m the one that lost my cool first that I should apologize?
As an alternative to reaching out, there’s the option of moving on.
Yeah, I’m trying. Guess I had a moment of weakness.
People who can’t deal with problems and withdraw are the worst people to deal with (well, not the worst, but pretty high up on the list).
It’s only been a month, she probably doesn’t want an apology at this time, and apology gifts after she makes it clear she doesn’t want to talk to you will not be taken well. Even small gifts can be very uncomfortable.
I’ve been where you are, had a friend like that. I’m still pissed and hurt even though we haven’t spoken in almost a decade, so I have a certain distain for people who shut down rather than deal with issues. Has a way of destroying trust.
Instead of apologizing, be pissed off at her, not to the point where you’ll harass her or anything, but recognize how she never changed and her actions hurt you personally. That will help you move on. Or get to a point where you don’t feel the need to apologize at least, this kind of pain has a way of staying with you.
i’d say people who cut you up into little pieces and mail you to family are worse, but avoidants do have a special way of being hard to get over after the relationship suddenly ends for no perceivable reason
I was mad for weeks, but I couldn’t keep that up. It’s tiring. I was thinking maybe there was a path to mutual closure. That it would make things easier for us both to move on. But general consensus seems to think that’s not the way that would go. Which is fair. I’m just going to focus on putting that energy into something productive for now. Work extra hours. Do some self-improvement. Just generally keep myself busy.
Closure is something of a myth.
Maybe when you’ve both moved on, you can talk about what happened. In like, a few years when you don’t care anymore. That’s usually when these conversations are actually productive.
No, drop it. She blocked you and doesn’t want you to contact her. Its time for you let it go and move on. You’d benefit from going to therapy, tbh.
Yeah, I probably would. Can’t afford it though, so I just keep gotta keep white-knuckling my way through life. But yeah, you’re probably right. Probably better to just let it go.
If she has blocked you, that is a clear indication that she does not want you to contact her.
You should respect this and resist the temptation to reach out in any capacity. It would not be welcome.
Yeah, that seems to be the consensus. Guess I was just having a moment of weakness. Thank you for your input.
She’ll probably contact you again in the future, and when she does, I’d recommend having an adult closure talk with no goal to rekindle things (you shouldn’t, unless she’s made some massive obvious personal change which is unlikely).
In the meantime, if she’s blocked you everywhere, she doesn’t want to talk, and even IF it’d make both of you feel better, the ball is in her court and she’s chosen avoidance. That’s why things ended to begin with and that’s where it’ll stay for the time being. Even if she isn’t making the best choice, it’s her choice, not yours to force.
Let it go.
Sorry dude, been through similar and this kinda girl sits like a splinter in your brain you can’t pull out or get past because the relationship is fine, minus the trauma she carries that ruins it, which you can’t blame her for.
But it is a real issue and one that ruins relationships, your relationship, and isn’t something you can fix.
Yeah… You’re probably right. I’ll leave it be. Thanks for the advice.