Pretty much just the title. We brought a puppy home about 2 months ago. Our senior dog passed away 2 years ago, and we decided it was finally time. My fiances mom told her she absolutely couldn’t get another dog. My fiance typically allows her mom to control her, because they grew up in a single mother – only child dynamic, and my fiance always says “but it’s just always been us” for every excuse.
We’ve been together for 9 years now, so I’ve tried to express that while that was the old norm, she needs to focus on us now and what’s best for our relationship. We both wanted a puppy, we have the means to take care of him, so why not?
Now, she’s avoiding visiting her mom and keeping phone calls short to avoid the dog making noise. It’s starting to cause her anxiety at home and she is being hostile to me over little things. Every time I ask, it comes down to something to do with her mom but mainly that her mom doesn’t know about the dog.
I feel like it’s weird, especially the lack of visiting her mom, because it makes it seem like there’s something bad going on at home. I really want to text her mom and just rip the band aid off, but I know my fiance will lose it. Simultaneously, I feel it’s very immature to hide something which is 100% not her moms decision to make, and to also hold her moms opinion so heavily at 32 years old. My mom and I have a great relationship, but she respects my personal choices and doesn’t try to control me. What would you do?
I would be direct and explain that while you respect her choice not to tell her mom about the dog, you do not respect how she’s lashing out at you. And that she’s in control of her anxiety, causing it to grow by not communicating.
Id even press to have her tell her mom or else you will
I agree this is how it should be handled. It’s been 2 months of lying and that’s a lot of stress. I get why she is stressed, but she is a full grown adult and THIS scared of her mother’s feelings?
I have serious anxiety issues with my parents just like this, but I am 28 and know that I live my own life. I can do whatever I want, as my mom doesn’t pay my bills.
Also. Why is this mom so insistent on her adult daughter not getting a new dog? Why does she even get to decide this? This is crazy.
I wouldn’t care until it affected my home life, but now that it is, I’d just post pictures of it on my social media or something so her mom would see the puppy. Something like “Newest addition to the family, training time!!!”
Why are you trying to marry someone so immature and an emotionally abusive?
“My fiance will lose it”? So what?
At 32 years old it’s time your wife got therapy. This is insanely excessive. I’d tell the mom if I were you, it’s not cool you have to lie.
And she’s not ready to get married. This could cause problems down the road if she doesn’t get a handle on this.
Of course because who wants to live their life according to their wife’s Mommy’s rules?? This feels creepy.
this WILL cause problems. Not being able to hold your own with your controlling mother will ruin any relationship, wedding, and happy kids you may desire. Therapy should be a non negotiable prior to the wedding.
It is her life not her mothers and she needs to be able to say that and understand she won’t always make everyone happy in every decision.
Wow. Your fiance needs some serious therapy. This is not healthy or normal.
I was an only child to a single mum. My mum gets zero say in my life.
It sounds like there’s something more going on here. What is your gf afraid of?
You’re right that it’s weird. Worse, this dynamic seems incredibly stressful for you both.
You could try approaching your wife with some compassion. Tell her you’re worried about the toll this secret is taking. Tell her you understand that it’s hard for her to set reasonable adult boundaries with her mom, but you’re worried that you guys will have trouble functioning as a couple unless she learns to stand up for herself with her mom. Ask her to try therapy, and let her know you support her. Try to avoid making her feel caught in the middle: instead, let her know you’re on her side and you’ll figure this out together.
The puppy is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. What’s next? Mom calls the shots on where you live? Your wedding? Kids? Cars? What?
This is not a sign of an adult being a healthy adult with healthy boundaries with her mother. This is rather alarming to be honest.
You realize just because you are going to marry her doesn’t stop the enmeshment with her mother?
Your fiancé needs serious help. Being 32 and allowing your mom to “decide” if you’re “allowed” to have a pet or not is not normal or healthy at all. You need to talk to her about getting therapy
As others have said she needs therapy. Be prepared for it to take years for this to improve. At 32 this is all she knows, it’s basically like needing to be deprogrammed from being brainwashed. I would hold off on marriage until you can get a clear picture of how therapy progresses. She has to really want this to change for it to work.