Hi everyone.
Basically it happened yesterday.
It was a couple of weeks I tried to initiate with her without results (she told me things like “not now” or “we have to do that other things”).
Yesterday I tried again (it was very difficult for me, because every time she says “no” I can’t help to take it personally), and she refused me again.
Later in the car I asked her if she wanted sex anymore. She said that she didn’t see it like a need, and she basically ok with that at the moment.
When I told her that we weren’t doing it in months (over 4 months) she told me that she was okay with that, and she didn’t know what else to tell me.
That was it. End of the conversation.
I tried asking her if she was okay in doing it once or twice per year, and she told me that it is what it is, and later asked me if I wasn’t okay with it. I told her that I don’t need to have it everyday but twice a year was not something I was expecting, and she didn’t reply to that -what could she say to something like this?-
We’ve been together for 5 years.
At the start sex happened twice per week, then it slowed down, I had few things of work that kept me very stressed and busy, and in the meantime we didn’t have it frequently as I liked to, plus the thing that she never initiated (ever) was something that turned me off a bit.
Now what?
I can’t stop thinking about what she said. I feel miserable thinking she doesn’t want to have sex. I can’t even think about initiating next time.
On the other hand I don’t want someone who does sex with me because “it’s something she has to do to please her man” like some sort of chore…
I’m really confused and sad about it, basically it’s like I’m not seeing a future next to her in the same way I was doing before.
It doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting physical intimacy with your partner. Sex is important to a lot of people and you deserve to have your needs met and fulfilled.
You may have to accept that you two are incompatible. Its best to breakup and move on. Life is too short to stay with someone you’re not compatible with. There’s other people out there that you will be more compatible with.
I can totally get it, but the hard part is about thinking to break up with someone you’re happy with except for sex -it’s not a small detail, I know, and I don’t really know how can I survive like this on the long term- but throwing away everything for it?
How important is this to you? You’re clearly not compatible, if you can deal with it for the rest of your life then stay. But just remember this is unlikely to ever change. The frustration and resentment will build. I would recommend leaving this relationship. You have a lot of life left to live.
Over time….its not a small detail. You’re trying to underly it because its sex but that is an important part of a long term realionship.
Get out while you can. You do not want to live like this and it will only get worse. I know, because I was you 10 years ago. Go visit our friends at r/deadbedrooms to see how much worse it can get. You only have one life to live.
I really understand how you feel. You want to feel desired. You want to do all the right things so that she can’t help but think about tearing your shirt off before you reach the bedroom. And hearing how she feels is disheartening. It’s so different from what you would like and it seems like that dream will never be reached.
I mean she is clear about her needs. And that’s fine.
However, your needs are not being met. And you should talk about that and see if you can find solutions for that. As a team.
My wife and I have very different sex drives and I absolutely suffered from the “I want her to do it because she’s excited to do it” as well. But that’s not always going to be the case.
We’ve communicated well about this and tried various things – looking back on how it’s going regularly. We’ve learned how the other person works and what these negative emotions might cause them to do. My wife cares about my needs being met and even though she can’t control how excited she feels, she makes sure we at least share an intimate moment.
It’s over, case closed. Give her the walking papers. No kids? And she hasn’t worked in 2 years? You need higher standards
So she got laid off 2 years ago and that’s when all of this changed? She doesn’t cook or clean. She doesn’t do anything but let the dog out once a day. She’s not looking for work or if she is, nothing in 2 years….
Sounds like depression to me. People stop doing things they once enjoyed.
Then tell her that’s cool. U do so ur gonna go get it elsewhere.
Sounds to me she doesn’t care whether you want it or not. You’re definitely not sexually compatible. I believe that it is important to have a good sexual life with your partner. Time for you to move on. Good luck .😉
Do you and your girlfriend share intimacy outside of sex? Needs are needs, and this could be a dealbreaker — no one can tell you it is or isn’t, you have to decide that — but sometimes when sex isn’t as plentiful an interaction as we’d hope, other physical intimacy can sort of “bridge the gap” in a few ways.
New GF. Your needs dont align. Find somebody who matches your sexual energy, and she can find somebody who matches hers.
Bye Felicia
At your age that’s a deal breaker, sorry but time to move on.