We’ve been dating for about 4 months and we have never had a necessarily active sex life. When we first started seeing each other, we would be intimate pretty regularly, but he struggled with "performing". At first he said it was due to being inexperienced, then anxiety, then it turned into him saying he just isn’t very interested in sex. This confused me, since I was the first person he has ever really and sex with, so to say after being with me he wasn’t interested in it confused me. He then later confessed in high school he thought he was asexual but now insists he is not.
I guess this is my fault for thinking it wouldn’t be such a big deal since i really liked him, but now that were dating anytime I initiate sex, he says he could "take it or leave it" (which is not the most romantic thing a girl wants to hear). The very few times we have had penetrative sex, he gets soft after a minute or two. The few times he has initiated sex (like maybe 3 times?) has been in the dead of night and just wakes me up at like 3 or 4 am.
It feels like we can go so long without being intimate and its not from lack of trying on my end, I have initiated many times, tried to do the things he has said likes, and suggesting new things neither of us have tried. He just doesn’t seem that interested in any of it, even when I try to do the things he says he likes, he laughs? He says its funny because he thinks "I dont actually want to be doing this".
The only thing he expresses interest in sexually is eating me out, which sounds nice in theory but it only lasts for a few minutes till he’s tired or I try to do more and get rejected. Last time he actually fell asleep while doing it which again, not very romantic.
I don’t know If im overreacting or not being understanding enough? When I try and talk about it he just tries to flip it onto me, saying I’m not respecting his consent (which i think insinuating that is very hurtful since I try to be very respectful about this whole thing), or that I reject his advances at times too. But I think these arguments he makes are just to shut down my feelings all together, or that my feelings are wrong.
It’s not like I’m asking for sex everyday, I just want to know how we can work together to make this more enjoyable for both of us. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with me physically, but this is not my first relationship where these issues have happened, and I cant help but internalize it somewhat. Overall I feel unwanted, unattractive, and like some sex maniac. Can I even fix this? I really care and love him, and he’s a great partner. I want to try and make this work but I don’t know how to other than just accepting this. But then it feels like everything is on his terms?
Its okay if this is a deal-breaker for you. It doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting physical intimacy with your partner. Sex is important to a lot of people and you deserve to have your needs met and fulfilled.
You may have to accept that you two are incompatible and its best to breakup and move on. There’s other people out there that you will be more compatible with.
I can tell your needs are not being met. And that it’s frustrating.
My wife and I have very different sex drives, but we’ve worked on it for a long time and compromised to a point both of us are happy. Our sex life has also *very* gradually been improving.
That could be possible for you BF and you, but it sounds like he’s not enjoying it at all. And the two of you aren’t approaching this as a team -which is understandable because you will bring this up when you’re displeased.
Regardless of the label you put on it, your BF and you have very different desires. It’s up to you to see this as a part of the whole picture of the relationship and see if there’s a way of compromising that would leave both of you happy with the entire relationship.
Not going to lie, sounds like a tall order. But I will refrain from making assumptions and leave it to you to figure out.
Also I must say bad sexual experiences can really become a negative spiral. If you do end up trying things, make sure you do things both of you find enjoyable and break it off when it’s no longer enjoyable and try again next time. Slowly build it up from there.
No one needs expectations and previous emotional struggles to make sex harder than it needs to be.
It’s been four months and it’s going pretty poorly. I think that’s enough time to decide that you’d prefer a relationship that is much different from this one, and to break up and go seek that out.