I (18m) and my roommate (18m) are in our first year of college and had not known each other prior to becoming roommates. He has been experiencing a lot of bad stuff in his life while living here so far, and I have been a heavy support for him emotionally. I have been struggling on my own but wasn’t much of a talker so I didn’t reach out to him because of my own issues and because I didn’t want to burden him with more things. Recently, my depression had been turning into a slight anger or irritation as well as some severe anxiety. He could tell, but didn’t ask and became avoidant and didn’t speak to me for days after saying that we had been around people too much. He shunned me and was really really weird about me being in the room. We had initially became really close and he missed our closer friendship before everything had happened. I felt unheard and uncomfortable and unsure how to handle the situation. We both avoided our room and last night our two mutual friends noticed that I was really not doing good and wanted to stay around me. They walked me back to the room and stayed with me for a while and encouraged me to talk about it. My ranting became more emotional and my friends had my back, pointing out things they had noticed from me recently. I admit I said some not very kind stuff about him, as did my friends, out of my distress. He had decided to stay in a friends room for the night and heard us talking from the hallway as he came back at 4am to get his toothbrush (idk) and of course, he is very upset and hurt, I apologized and explained my actions, he’s upset that I went to our mutual friends as it can have a deep effect on their relationships (though they are still friends) but I did not have anyone else to go to, nor did I seek them out to shit talk him or say “evil” things. It’s terribly awkward of course, I don’t want to be there, and he still wants to be friends but it’s scared to be around me. I feel horrible, but my words that night was me trying to process without hurting him, I didn’t know how to communicate how I was feeling though I admit I should have. AITA?
Hard to say. Although I have empathy for your situation, you both became walking nukes ready to set off at any point. In retrospect, he seemed to want to avoid being the last straw for you, and you seem to do the same. I believe ESH is the best answer. He came to you as a friend and just shunned you at the same time when you needed help, which is just AH behavior. You became the AH for talking badly about him to a mutual friend, although, in grace, it was out of frustration. Not to mention, you both are suffering, so you’re taking on his problems while you’re dealing with your own is as good as saying the blind leading the blind. You both should really look for some mental health services that most colleges provide, hopefully you both get to make up and apologize once things cool.
We had a conversation shortly after the initial walk-in happened and both aired our grievances, that helped, however it’s become really difficult to cool off because we live together and being in the room silent together feels absolutely TERRIBLE for us both, and he said only freaks him out for me to be around because he doesn’t know what I think of him. He says he wishes I didn’t do it (which me too, and I wouldn’t have in retrospect, though I was at a severe breaking point) but what happened happened and healing this seems tremendously difficult because I don’t know if space would be good (though nearly impossible bc we live together and have the same friends, plus no classes bc finals) or to suck it up and be in the same room which makes the both of us want to puke
I believe you just have to give it time. You guys are young, and by no means am I way older by 10 years either. But I feel like your friend is being a bit dramatic. It sucks being bad-mouthed, but that’s the equivalent of going out in the busiest place and thinking What if every single person hates my shirt. You don’t know, and you shouldn’t care either, and move on with your day. If he means a lot to you, make him a sorry gift since the Holidays are around the corner, and give a meaningful written card, a lot of people appreciate that a lot more than words. Actions speak louder sometimes.
Thank you, I definitely have remorse for what I said, not to mention the both of us had been awake for more than 48 hours so nether of us were really in the bed mindset. Either way, I regret it immensely and hope we can move on together
YTA. You were ranting about your roommate in a place he could hear you. You can’t unring that bell. If you need to vent, you need to find a more private place than the living quarters of the person you are venting about. He doesn’t have to pretend he didn’t hear the “not very kind stuff” you said about him.
I agree he doesn’t have to pretend, and my intention was not to rant in that space though it happened. My friends wanted to bring me there to go to sleep bc I was planning on staying in a community space on a couch to give him space. He then texted and said that he was staying elsewhere for the night and would not come back until the next day. Regardless, I still agree
> I have been struggling on my own but wasn’t much of a talker so I didn’t reach out
but
> I felt unheard
Quit using buzzwords you read about. If you haven’t been speaking, you aren’t unheard. You have to speak to be heard.
He backed away cause you were being angry and irritable, as one would.
You held ish in and then unleashed on him with backup. He of course retreated. He never did anything to you.
> my words that night was me trying to process without hurting him
Don’t process at people. Do it on your own. You had friends you could’ve talked to without having him there to suffer the brunt of your ire.
YTA.
I had tried to speak to him before and he would not listen to me or said he didn’t want to talk about those things, so I stopped, even though he was near constantly speaking to me about these things even though I said I was experiencing a lot too. My anger was not at ALL expressed in his direction and I kept that contained, my anger came from him ignoring me and not speaking, not before he started backing away. I did not have friends to talk to other than our two shared friends, they are all I have.
Stop trying to find excuses for your passive behavior and work on being a more active participant in your life.
I don’t excuse myself, I said terrible things in my rant, I had a very long conversation with him, I’m not saying I was in the right. I don’t know how to progress this situation or how to act to him, I’ve given him whatever he needs but I truly dont know what to do if my presence makes him feel sick when I live there
> I’ve given him whatever he needs
cept for that time you were depressed, anger and irritable and kept it all in.
Stop. Making. Excuses.
I mean post him walking in, not before 👍
Using paragraphs mean more people will read your post.