Throwaway account so it doesn’t trace back to me, even though I feel it will..
Last night, my (M27) wife (F26) told me that my mother tried to call her and left her a voicemail
She called her back before checking VM, my wife said it sounded like she tried to go to another room to talk, asked her if she listened to the VM and told her to listen to it and we will talk later. Long story short, my mother wants to use my address for Disability mail for now due to her living situation.
CONTEXT: Mother married to Step-dad (call him H), fell out of love, basically roommates at this point, told us at Easter (2025) that she will be moving out soon (cut off date is 2/1/26) H’s daughter (call her S) is going through divorce, and HER husband (call him J) spilled the beans that H has been cheating on my mom for awhile and to get out while she still can. There was a time H did it before so not far-fetched. H tried calling my mom to see if J called and told her anything (she didn’t respond to this) H apparently threatens J and J was arrested for 3rd degree DV over the weekend (verified on inmate search) against S or H that I don’t know. But a shit show to say the least. (Father told me all of this from my brother)
MORE CONTEXT: She has asked my father, older brother and I for money multiple times. I never gave in, but my brother did and he said that she hasn’t stopped asking since. My father helped her with a loan years ago and he is making those payments for her now.. she even went behind his back and asked his business partner and long-time friend for money and my father has cut all contact since. I have never given in to anything other than emotional and mental support, nothing physical or monetary. Father says that when I open that door, I won’t be able to close it i.e. my brother helping her
She is sickly, but could and does work a part-time job at the moment, but she has been trying for Disability for awhile and people who know, knows that it can take years. She is finally in contact with a disability attorney, but doesn’t want her mail going to their address right now.
We agree NO, we are not comfortable receiving someone else’s mail at my address when they don’t live there (feels dishonest) and I don’t want disability mail coming to my home. I mentioned getting her a PO Box, but that would fall under Monetary/physical support and opens the door for her to ask again.
AITA??
With her cut-off date being 2/1/26, I have a feeling she will ask to live with my wife and I, and we both agree outright NO if she would ask us. I feel it puts me in a bad spot period if she were to ask me or my wife. We are trying to start a family ourselves.
I feel so morally wrong here, but I built my life with my wife. My wife uses our house for her job, we just closed on the home in June 2025, so this is the newest chapter of our lives and (hate to say it) I don’t want any family member stepping into that. I want to and will help her, just not like this.
WIBTA??
NTA
Your mom has a long pattern of money problems, boundary-pushing, and treating people like a safety net. Your dad and brother already learned the hard way that once you say yes, she never stops asking.
Letting her use your address is the first step toward her expecting to live with you. It ties your home to her disability case, creates legal headaches, and opens a door you absolutely don’t want open.
You and your wife just bought a home, you’re planning a future, and you don’t want to become her backup plan. That’s reasonable.
NTA. Your mother’s life is a swirling hornet’s nest. You don’t want to be part of that. I would get her the PO Box. It will help her assert her independence from her soon to be ex and it’s not a huge out pour of cash for you. You can get them for 6 months or a year. And when the time is up, just let it lapse unless she pays for a renewal. I would not let her live with you. Not with so much chaos and violence around her. She has to figure out a way to help herself. The PO box will help her with communication with her attorney
If she uses your address, she will be considered a resident and you will never get rid of her.
That’s not how it works. Mail in someone’s name doesn’t establish residency. I still get mail for the previous owners of my house, and they haven’t lived here in 10 years. In a court it may be considered a small piece of evidence for residency, but on its own it would not establish residency.
YTA.
> I mentioned getting her a PO Box, but that would fall under Monetary/physical support and opens the door for her to ask again.
Make an exception for the PO Box. She doesn’t want her abuser (cheating is a form of abuse) having access to her mail. She needs to get legal mailings.
Or, or ask her if you can talk to her attorney, politely explain and perhaps they can get it and charge it to her account.
Or just tell her she should discuss this with her attorney?
This is just so her mail can come securely
NTA. Allowing your mother to receiver her disability mail at your house is IMO, laying the ground work for her to claim residency there. I would politely stand your ground and keep your boundaries firmly in place.
100% on the residency claiming. A PO Box is exactly what is called for here.
And mother can pay for her own mailbox. Have a plan now for when she shows up at your door with suitcases, claiming she only needs to stay for a short while, don’t even let her in the door or she’ll never leave. Anything you get addressed to her gets marked “Return to Sender” and not at this address, and taken back to the local post office, and if there’s a bar code on the envelope cross it out or letter will come back.
Don’t let her do it! In many states when you get mail somewhere you establish tenants rights. NTA
NTA. She’s asking for an inch and will take a mile.
Not sure if it’s true but if she’s receiving mail, that helps establish residency. That would likely cause way more problems for you and your wife. Good on you for shutting that down before it starts.
I represent people filing for Social Security disability. It is acceptable to have a different mailing address than the resident address. People have issues with mail delivery, or do not have a stable living situation.
NTA
It’s really good that you and your wife are on the same page. That is your big strength here.
NTA-though I would get her a P.O. Box and just make sure she knows that this is the only help you can give her. That you’re starting a family and can’t offer more. If she doesn’t want that then that’s her choice.
Pay for the P.O. box. That solves the problem, and isn’t something that can be easily exploited.