I(19 female) have a younger brother (17). I live at home because it’s close to the university. My parents love to travel and leave us alone in the house from time to time. Everytime this happens.
I clean up after myself. I wash the dishes after eating. I take out my trash. I don’t leave dishes in the bathroom. He on the other hand keeps everything in his room, leaves the dishes in the sink, orders takeout and leaves it in the kitchen or living room, doesn’t clean up when he spills things etc. I personally think he’s old enough to clean up after himself. However the problem is that I don’t want to constantly clean up after him to be able to live.
A few days ago we didn’t have any dishes left so I cleaned everything that was in the sink and took out the trash. Everything smelled horrible and it took me some hours. This is also during my exam period so I’m really stressed out. I’ve been staying at my partners house for a few days, and when I come back it’s all dirty again. There’s trash on the floor because my brother didn’t throw it out and our dog ate it and spread the rest everywhere. The sink is dirty again, there’s oil on the stove and every pan in the house is dirty. I can’t even make myself good cuz there’s no space there.
I expressed my frustration to my mom, who is currently traveling home. She on the other side doesn’t think it’s a big deal. She says she wants me and my brother to be able to get along without her always needing to meddle, and that she’s grateful as long as the police doesn’t come or that the house doesn’t fall apart. She also says, quote " He thinks it’s fine, you’re getting annoyed by everything, what am I supposed to do?". She also says that I also was like this when I was 16/17 so he hopefully will grow out of it. If it bothers me that much , then I should just clean it up.
I mean, I totally get her frustration, but I just feel really sad that she doesn’t understand how hard it is for me. I know that there’s nothing much she can do, but I feel this is not a responsible way to handle things. I also have a winter depression episode, and it makes me worse when it’s constantly so dirty around me.
Am I the problem and just being overly sensitive? Or am I somewhat right in this?
Thank you for reading!
+ to clarify, he does clean everything up the day before my parents come back. I just don’t get how I am supposed to live in the meantime. AND I don’t mean to sound like a victim I just genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or not
Have you talked to your brother about his cleaning habits and how uncomfortable it makes you feel?
Yes, multiple times. I understand it is annoying being nagged at all the time, but I just don’t understand how he doesn’t care about my feelings at all.
I don’t mean to sound soppy, I’m just really frustrated
atm😭
Unfortunately you are enabling him. I get the impulse – you want to live in a clean space..but unfortunately he knows that and knows you’ll break down and clean it up for him. Don’t let him treat you like his mom. Stop doing all that stuff. Only wash dishes you use and take out your own trash.
NTA. I had a roommate who was the same and cleaned when it came to inspection. The best way I handled the situation was by cleaning all my dishes and things he used that I owned I simply took to my room or hid them. Your mother has enabled your brother’s behavior by not doing anything. You can simply follow in the same footsteps I went through, or simply have your mom buy paper plates/plastic cups and have him use those and leave a trash bag in his room, telling him he’s responsible for taking out his own, since he wants to be a slob. I was a mess when I was 16/17 but I was never inconsiderate of others.
While you are living at home it’s their rules. Clean up after yourself and leave his messes to him.
You are not wrong
What you need to do is find a place to stay the next time Your parents travel. Do not go home. Do not clean the house. Let your brother turn the house into a total mess and let your parents come home to it. Your mother might change her tune
This sounds like the best idea.
The next time they leave, go to Walmart and get your own set of dishes and keep them separate from the others. Just clean your dishes and clean up your messes. Your parents will care when they come home and see what a problem he really is.
So your mother’s “solution” is basically ignore it or clean up after your brother? Yeah no. We’re breaking this generational cycle right gd now. Do NOT clean up after him. You need to pull the roommate special RN!!! Here’s what you do: Hide dishes you will use like 2 plates 2 bowls 2 sets of cutlery in your room out of sight. Consider even hiding your bath towels or anything else you think he might inconsiderately use and then not clean. So the things you use will be the things you clean. He will not be able to use and dirty them, so you will not be forced to clean up after him in order to just use what you need to use. Next, start documenting evidence. Take photos of his messes. Keep taking photos of the same messes and noting the time/date of how long things were left out. To avoid filling your camera roll I would just take a photo when I notice the mess and then another photo close to when your parents get home as you know he won’t even think about cleaning it up until the day before. Don’t bombarde your parents with this evidence while they are gone. Wait until they come home and sit down with them and show them how your brother treats their things and their home when they are away. Then if they are upset with the disrespect or insist “why didn’t you just clean it up for him” insist you require a cleaning fee. If you are going to be the sole individual responsible for the state if the home while they are away… that’s housesitting/keeping! And you require payment. If they laugh this off and/or dismiss you then just express how nothing will change until your brother does. I know this is still stressful and extra work for you but you seriously need to get the point across to your parents about how unfair and quite frankly, sexist, this is. Good luck OP, and NO YOU ARE NTA. Do not let your family placate you into thinking this is a role you just have to accept.
Dont clean up after him. Hide the dishes youll need for yourself, stay away as much as youre able when your parents are gone. Do you have family in the area that can “pop by for a visit” while your parents are gone? Or maybe record the mess and post it online with some concern trolling comment like “does anyone have advice on how i can keep up while the parents are gone”. Shame can be a powerful motivator lol. NTA
NTA. If I had behaved like that at 12 years old my parents would have had a pretty firm conversation with me and it never would have happened again.
Your mother (who is TA in this circumstance) is allowing your brother to continue being an irresponsible and inconsiderate child because she doesn’t want to bother with the hard part (and this isn’t actually that hard) of parenting. From your description this isn’t a simple matter of siblings not getting along. This is your brother being a jerk and your mother not intervening. This isn’t something you should have to resolve. A 15 minute conversation by your mother with your brother could solve the problem.
Lastly, what is your father’s involvement in all of this? You didn’t mention him at all.
I mostly talk to my mother, since I find my dad hard to talk with. He’s a very nice person, but he usually finds it hard to change his perspective and set himself in others shoes (he’s also very inconsiderate sometimes). He thinks I’m an adult and should be able to ignore my brother.
I do respect him as a dad but he’s horrible with problem solving without making it into an argument 😭
I’ll try to talk to them when they come back tho, thank you!
NTA. It’s hard to be at home as an older teenager and negotiate things with people who haven’t learnt to be considerate of others or care for their space. I remember how frustrating it was.
It sounds like there’s not much you can do except, as others have suggested, look after your own space and stuff. You could have a plastic tub to stack his dirty dishes to get them out of your way. And just move his things into piles so it’s obvious it’s all his. Staying away from the house during the day can help too.