So I (20M) courted my best fried (22M) and he rejected me… But we went back to being best friends again with a stronger bond, but this isn’t about him, this is about the shadows that were happening during that time that I only found out recently.
So after I got rejected I started to think of other things to get over him (not doing great) and so one of my female friends got cheated on so my consciousness first thought is to help her, during one of the time when I was comforting her in a corridor near our classroom she told me that she believes she can tell me about the things she and some of our group talks about in pm, turns out they were mad at me because of the way I act during the courtship, like how I was too clingy to the guy (let’s call him M) and being too noisy about it, I can’t deny that I was all these things but that was during the first 2 weeks of the relationship, I started to tone down after that because I know M doesn’t like it, even he admits he notice that I was less clingy. They also said they didn’t like my flirty jokes which is weird considering I didn’t even say anything sexual, I stayed away from those because I know he will NOT want it.
It’s really sad because during that time I was in a brink of losing it, personal problems were getting too heavy and I started to feel lonelier and now I understand why, they were actually avoiding me on purpose just because they were mad at me and the way I handled the courtship. I can’t deny it wasn’t perfect and I will not make any rebuttal about that, but ya know I expected they’ll properly communicate with me about it not leave me in the dust while I was spiraling down my mental health. Funny enought M was the only one I had during those times and he’s the only one I told this too, not even the girl in our trio because I’m afraid she may or may not know anything and if she doesn’t she may think differently of them. Yes I don’t know who were talking behind my back because I was too scared to know who it is, but I have my theories.
So AITA for feeling this? Or should have I just forget it considering I know I was wrong anyways?
You’re never the asshole for having feelings, it’s how you act on them that can make you an asshole.
NTA as long as you’re not acting like an asshole, which it doesn’t seem like you are.
My mind is starting to think they’re backstabbers and I hate it, I don’t show signs that I know about it nor talk about it, I don’t distance myself or anything but deep inside I can’t remove the thoughts they hate me and crying about it.
I voted NAH but this comment puts you in asshole in the making territory. you’re feeding your assumptions and going into drama queen mode. give yourself a reality check… do you automatically hate your friends when they get on your nerves? do you expect people to never have any reservations?
So you want to be mad at them for noticing and commenting on things that you admit are true. I’d be mad at the girl that seems to want to start trouble within your group. I understand why your friends did t say anything,they didn’t need to be involved with your potential relationship with M. They shouldn’t try to dictate how you act with the person you’re interested in. This girl however is messy.
No, he’s upset that they would rather avoid him than discuss the problematic behavior. Instead of giving him an opportunity to fix it with a heads up, they made his situation worse. Perfectly valid for feeling hurt.
so if I understand correctly:
you were clingy and noisy for about 2 weeks. people got annoyed and distance themselves from you at the time, but things got better after the 2 weeks. you changed your behaviour and got back to being friends with M. you’re also still friends with this girl, otherwise she wouldn’t tell you any of this. so all is good now?
you can have your feelings. they can get annoyed with you and avoid you because of it. some gossiping will always happen. I’m not sure if they really “left you in the dust”, they didn’t ghost you and are still talking to you.
process whatever feelings you have, but try to not dwell on them. if you need, you can tell your friends what you felt, just to clear the air, but try to be understanding of their pov, too.
NAH unless any of you blows this out of proportion
NTA, but this is automatically true because no one CAN be an ass for feeling how they feel. The only way to turn feelings into being an ass is by inappropriately acting on feelings.
You must be young. Once you feel more sure of yourself, and more confident in yourself, you will stop worrying so much about what people say behind your back.
It is tricky, learning how to behave in courting and relationships, and everyone gets it a little wrong at the start of romantic relationships (or attempts at relationships.) And everyone observing is entitled to their opinions on what went right or wrong. People learn from other friends’ sucesses and failures (in relationships, business planning, finances, etc.) Humans are social animals.
NAH
They had certain feelings when you were acting differently for two weeks. They distanced a little but still remained your friends, and they respect and love you enough to now tell you why.
It might hurt a little, but this is a good thing. They’re still your friends. You say that you acted as they describe, so I don’t think there’s an issue here.