I was asked last minute to give a ride to a child on my son’s soccer team by my wife and the child’s mother, Dana. She is a single mom who’s friends with my wife and they have a weekly ride sharing system that works for her and my wife. Since my wife is out of town I agreed with no issue to take the kid to the game. In the past when I’ve taken him he’s gotten picked up back at our house after the game or practice by Dana.
This time at the game, Dana’s ex (Jay) arrived toward the end. I know him from their time together and while I’ve heard terrible things about him through my wife, most of it is relationship stuff between them, and I’ve never had an issue personally with him. Dana’s mother was having a casual convo with him which I interrupted to ask if he Jay was taking the kid home. He said yes. The grandmother didn’t object, she just asked me to tell her daughter that her phone battery had died.
When I get home my wife is irate saying I left the child with an abuser and how could I allow him to take the kid? She said I was irresponsible and was potentially putting the kid in danger or allowing him to be kidnapped.
I think at most this is a misunderstanding but my wife says I am in the wrong. AITA for not being more aware of the ride arrangements and plan for the child getting home?
EDIT: I’m not a fan of his after their divorce but they do have their own custodial arrangements. Based on what’s been shared with me he hasn’t been accused of any abuse toward the kids. The only times i have seen him since their divorce is when it was his time with the kids. The child could’ve went home with his grandmother (whom he lives with). I left him with both of them.
YTA, heads up most kidnappings are actually by a non custodial parent. If there was any lack of surety you ALWAYS keep the child with you. Wait until you contact the custodial parent before letting them go.
**YTA**. You *never* deviate from a child’s established pickup routine or send the child home with someone other than the person who sent them there in the first place, without EXPLICIT instructions from the sending/typical pickup parent that you are to do so.
Sorry to say, but YTA here. Yes, your wife is right. You shouldn’t have interfered in the pickup arrangement without Dana’s approval, no matter what her mother’s say on the matter is.
I was willing at first to say that if the kid shouldn’t be picked up by their dad, the mom should have communicated that but…
“I’ve heard terrible things about him through my wife” …. “My wife says I left him with an abuser…”
So it sounds like you knew that their split was more than just a couple with irreconcilable differences, but you dismissed it.
YTA
This was my take.
OP, why are you so dismissive of your wife? YTA for that alone.
YTA. If you tell mom you’re picking up her kid, don’t change the plan without talking to her. You have no idea what their custody agreement is.
It’s actually scary that you’re asking this question. Does he even have custody? A child was put in your care by a mother who you know had custodial rights at the time and you left them with another adult. I would never do this. There’s a reason he wasn’t scheduled to drive the child that day. I’d be furious at you as the mother. You didn’t even think to call her immediately to tell her you wanted to change plans? And you brought up him taking the kid home? Really not smart.
YTA, I would have erred on a soft YTA because I can see this being an honest mistake, but honestly when you said your wife has told you horrible things about the father but follow that up with “I never had a personal problem with him”, *that* is something to investigate in yourself. *You* are not the boy’s parent so it doesn’t actually matter if you had a problem with him or not. Obviously the mother did/does.
It’s messed up, but shitty ex partners use kids as leverage all the time, and sometimes can be flat out dangerous, all in order to get back at the person they no longer have control over.
One of the first things they teach you if you work at a school or in childcare is that no one takes the kid away unless it was prearranged with the parent who has primary custody.
You’ve “never had an issue personally with him.” Of course you haven’t: YOU AREN’T ONE OF HIS TARGETS.
Damn, it must be so reassuring to be a man.
YTA
YTA for your attitude alone. “*I’ve* never had a problem with him.” I see you’re one of those men who dismisses the experiences of women (aka don’t believe them) because you haven’t seen the behavior directly. Says a lot about you, nothing good though.
“I’ve heard terrible things about him through my wife, most of it is relationship stuff between them, and I’ve never had an issue personally with him.”
This is a men’s world