My husband and I have two kids (6yo and 7yo), plus 50/50 shared custody of his two older kids. Since we have all four kids for Christmas every other year (even numbers) I’ve assumed odd number years were "mine" – to spend with my family. That’s how we did it the first years..
Because of much drama in his family we’ve spent his two previous Christmases with my parents. From his side we have contact with his sweet sister Mary and MIL (FIL is deceased). MIL is in her mid eighties, and lives in a nursing home. I have an ok relationship with her, as with any grandmotherly figure. MIL is quite simple and worries much about little things, but she’s always been kind to us (unlike how she treats Mary).
Now to the issue. My brother Paul has the same Christmas year as me, so we’ve always celebrated "my" years with them and my parents.
This year my mom said Paul had invited her and dad, so they couldn’t come here. Mom is working and gets back late Christmas eve. I thought it was weird Paul didn’t invite us, but me and SIL have had recent health issues – so I just accepted it. Since we were spending Christmas alone, I agreed to invite MIL.
Turns out neither Paul nor my SIL knew they had "invited" my parents. They both called me after they found out, and felt terrible about the misunderstanding. They would obviously invite us if they planned on hosting "*since we always spend Christmas together!*"
Paul invited us and MIL to join them. He also said they would happily come to us, as long as we’re together. My dad will basically go where he’s told (lol).
I understand we can’t take MIL to a strange house, but I want to invite my brother and dad here. My husband does not want me to invite them. His reasoning: we already invited MIL, and she wont like if there are more people present. Large crowds make her anxious, as she is unable to follow several conversations. Also, since I’ve "gotten" every Christmas the last four years, it’s unfair of me to "take" this.
I’ve asked my husband \*every year\* of his to invite MIL + Mary w/family. He usually declines. In truth he doesn’t enjoy spending time with them, he finds it stressful and boring.
My SIL keeps dropping hints and questions if I have figured out Christmas yet. My 7yo keeps asking if we are celebrating with her cousins, or "just grandma". And my husband says he doesn’t want me to invite my family, but "*do what you like*". Yet, if I do invite my family he refuses to let MIL know because she’ll get anxious.. I feel horrible about potentially subjecting MIL to a "chaos" she’s unprepared for (if 10 people can be called a chaos).
I feel the important thing regarding MIL is that she IS invited to Christmas with family. If she decides to decline because she can’t handle six extra people that’s her choice. Paul and SIL are very social, and I know separate celebrations will disappoint both them and our kids.
I’m leaning towards taking my husband on his "do what you like" words and invite my family. WIBTA?
Edit to add: Christmas is a one-day thing in my country. On the 24th we go from mass, to dinner, to visit from Santa, to opening gifts (one by one), to playing games. it’s not really possible to divide between MIL and my family.
NTA. It seems like your husband is being inconsistent compared to how he’s been in past years. Him wanting to have a comfortable setting for his mother to celebrate really doesn’t have anything to do with what has happened over the last few years. I think given your MIL’s intolerance for groups and ‘chaos’, the best thing to do is to split the day(s) up. See some family on Christmas Eve perhaps, or have your MIL for Christmas Eve and see your family on Christmas Day, something along those lines.
Then, regroup with your husband to establish a new schedule that you can actually plan on and that suits you both, since he has decided the thing he has gone along with happily for years is suddenly unacceptable to him.
Thank you. In my country Christmas eve = Christmas. It begins with midday mass, then dinner before Santa visits, and after dinner we open gifts (one by one, which usually last a couple hours). After gifts we usually play games. Unfortunately it makes it difficult to split the day, and MIL would not consider it “spending Christmas together” if we tried to split it.
MIL isn’t in shape to join church, and she will get tired and need to leave after the gift openings – so having only her will mean we spend half of Christmas day alone. It will also mean Paul and his family get’s the smallest celebration of their lives.
I’ve already talked to my husband about writing in stone that we have every other year for the future. Him not wanting to spend Christmas with his family should not disrupt the tradition we share with Paul and his family. I actually enjoy my family, and feel terrible about this situation everybody just expects me to fix.
I am not sure that you are the asshole right now. I feel that if you go against what you had planned with MIL (knowing that a large crowd would upset her) at this point, could make you the asshole. After all, the misunderstanding was not the fault of neither MIL nor your husband. I think there should be some consideration given to getting together with your family separately.
I agree
I don’t think anybody is to blame (yet), it’s just one of those shitty situations.
Christmas is more of a one-day event here, where we go to church, have a nice family dinner, get a visit from Santa, and open presents (one by one). Unfortunately that makes it impossible to separate into two events. It’s common to have a nice holiday dinner during the holidays, but Christmas eve is “Christmas” if that makes sense.
I haven’t invited my family yet, but it doesn’t feel right that both my kids and my niece/nephews will be the only children in both homes because of a misunderstanding. Especially when I know my husband doesn’t even look forward to spending the day with his mom, and she will not be able to join church or stay past 8pm. So it will become a very reduced celebration for many people to accommodate one.
Thanks for replying though, I will think further on it and not rush to invite them.
If it’s about prioritizing, give the kids’ the highest importance. All the cousins deserve to get together and have a gala time on Christmas Day. Therefore, I would invite your brother’s family and parents.
Take your husband’s quote “do what you want” at face value and go ahead in getting your family to come. I would talk to your MIL separately and inform her who all would be there. Leave the decision of attending or not to her
NTA…It’s unfair of your husband to expect you to drop your family entirely because of his mother’s anxiety. Tell him you intend to see your family this Christmas and ask HIM to think of a compromise. His little guilt trip about doing what you like is not helpful.
He brings his mother for Christmas Day, and you can bring your family for Christmas Eve. NTA, but accommodate your husband and his mother.
Honestly it’s hard to tell if you are
Glad I’m not the only one who needs a diagram.
NTA I’m sorry, and I feel for you mil, but Christmas for me is mainly for children. Let you children have Christmas with their cousins, invite you mil for Christmas eve, she can enjoy the company at her pace.
NTA —
NAH – This is just planning issues. You need to sit down with your husband and not be vague. Actually plan out what needs to happen this holiday and if you do it right you should be able to see everyone. Try maybe doing half a day? or have MIL all day and then take the kids over at lunch to see their cousins…etc