Edit: I appreciate everyone who’s responded so far. I realize now my post might’ve made it sound like I’m holding a grudge over a few texts but this has been building over years. I’ve always been the one to smooth things over, and this time I tried setting a clear boundary: I told my sister directly during a FaceTime call that we needed space. I was emotionally overwhelmed and trying to support my husband while his grandfather who raised him was in a coma. She disregarded that, repeatedly texted me and my husband (they’re not close), then told our dad I was ignoring her, which added more stress.
She still hasn’t responded to the message where I calmly laid all of this out. But she *did* text our younger brother with a passive-aggressive recap that twisted the situation into being about how *she* was treated.
I also did talk to my husband about sharing the news with my family when he had asked me not to—he forgave me, we worked through it, and I was present for him the whole time, even long-distance.
Now she’s in the hospital, and my mom wants me to reach out and apologize “if I offended her.” That’s my conflict, do I break my own boundary again just to avoid drama, or is it okay to wish her well from a distance and keep protecting my peace?
(Using a throwaway) I (33F) haven’t spoken to my sister (45F) in about 5 months. Now she’s in the hospital with a lung infection, and our mom (her stepmom) wants me to check in and “apologize if I offended her.”
Earlier this summer, my husband’s grandfather (who helped raise him) fell seriously ill. My husband went to care for him, and during that time, his grandfather fell into a coma. My husband asked me not to share anything yet, and I respected that.
A few days later, my parents and sister FaceTimed me and noticed I’d been crying. I broke down and explained what was going on but asked them not to share the info and to give us space. They agreed. My sister said she loved me and supported us.
Fifteen minutes later, she texted me. I didn’t respond, so she sent a gif, then another message. A few days later, she somehow got my husband’s number (they don’t have that kind of relationship) and texted him too. He didn’t reply. Then she texted me again. I was emotionally drained and focused on supporting my husband, so I still didn’t respond.
Instead of respecting the space I’d clearly asked for, she called our dad to tell him I was ignoring her. He got upset at me for not being “a good sister.”
At that point, I calmly texted her and said I felt she was pushing a boundary. I explained that going to Dad made the situation unnecessarily dramatic and that it’s part of a pattern where she makes things about her. I asked for space again and said her behavior felt intrusive, not supportive.
She never responded. Instead, she texted our younger brother (25) something vague and passive-aggressive like “thinking of you, hope I’m not overstepping.” When he asked what she meant, she vented to him about me “going off” on her and claimed she wasn’t allowed to care about us. My brother tried ta;lking to her but she refused said she was on an anniversary trip.
A few weeks later, my husband’s grandfather passed. I didn’t tell her. I didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with the fallout of her behavior during such a vulnerable time. On my birthday, she sent me a digital gift card, which I thanked her for via text but she ignored that. I also recently texted her asking for my nieces’ shoe sizes for Christmas and she ignored that too.
Now she’s in the hospital. My mom wants me to “be the bigger person” and reach out. I do care and hope she’s okay. But I’m tired of being asked to apologize for finally setting a boundary. Especially when she’s never once acknowledged how she made me feel or even responded to my message.
So… AITA if I don’t reach out?
This feels pretty petty. Like, a couple of texts to check on you because you clearly couldn’t handle your own emotions, which is why your broke your word to your husband and told your family seems like a lot to ignore your sister in the hospital over.
but you do you and may you have no regrets
You want your sister to respect your boundaries, however, you didn’t respect your husband’s. Your husband asked you not say anything to anyone and yet you did. Seems like your sister was trying (too hard) to check in on you. A lot of drama.
I was surprised to see this comment so far down the list. I thought the same thing while reading this. I think OP is NTA for not responding to the sister who violated that request for space and kept escalating things, but kind of TA for basically typing out ‘my husband asked me not to tell anyone, but as soon as I was asked about it, I broke down and told my whole family’ and not noticing anything wrong with that statement.
YTA, you started drama by not taking 30 seconds to respond with a simple text.
ESH?? Why don’t you go and NOT apologize. You can be there for her. With a lung infection I doubt she likes to talk. Just visit be quiet and leave after an hour.
Even when she didn’t want to speak with you. She still remembered your birthday. So you should try to be there for her as well. Don’t go and you will have something to apologize for or a bridge to burn.
You know….
You’re asking relatives to walk a pretty fine line.
“Give us space” can mean “we don’t want visitors” to some people but not “don’t talk to us at all”.
Ask yourself what her intent was before you judge. Was her intent in reaching out to you, or your husband malicious or out of concern?
A simple reply of “Thanks for your concern, I will reach out when I have more to share” would have prevented this entire scenario.
I mean you’re creating acrimony in the family dynamic over a text message from your sister.
Did she respond well…. No she didn’t, but she was obviously hurt that she reached out and her effort was slapped away.
All of this is so unnecessary and pointless.
So YTA for reacting like you did to legit concern from your sister and she is TA for her response to you.
YTA. Drop the drama and go see your sister in the hospital.
As someone who lost their brother and didn’t get to say goodbye, this situation you described seems not worth it. Maybe she went overboard but it seems she had your feelings in mind. Go see your sister.
ESH-sounds like you both need to grow up.
Yeah you asked for space, but your sister sent you a text and you could have easily taken 1 minute to respond. Now you are getting upset when she does the same to you.
Your sister is in the hospital, does that not outweigh your childish sibling bullshit?
YTA that ignored the first text and started this whole domino effect of drama. It would have taken 5 seconds to respond to the text asking how you were doing. Giving space doesn’t mean “don’t contact me”. You overreacted to begin with. Not surprised you’re not “wanting to be the bigger person.”
ESH… she sent a text 15 minutes after your call… she probably wanted to be supportive since you spoke on a group call. You could have said thank you. I’ll call you or text you next week. A gif could easily just be liked or thumbs upped. You guys are being petty. I hope she doesn’t die. Can you imagine explaining to people oh I stopped talking to my sister because she reached out to me when I was going through a difficult time.
>Can you imagine explaining to people oh I stopped talking to my sister because she reached out to me when I was going through a difficult time.
Especially if she dies from whatever has put her in the hospital.
So you ignored your sister when she was texting you asking how you were doing instead of taking 30 seconds to respond to her and say you needed a break from talking. You also ignored your husband’s request not to tell anyone his grandfather was dying.
I guess I’m going YTA because all this drama started because of you and it sounds like you’re taking no responsibility for it and instead are deciding to not reach out to your sister when she’s in the hospital.
YTA. The petty scorekeeping should pause when someone’s in the hospital. Especially since you actually communicated with her over your bday gift and your niece’s shoes.
I’m sure this will be downvoted, but I don’t get feeling so superior about talking about ‘boundaries’ and going NC/LC, when one
could actually communicate directly and say ‘hey, this pissed me off, you shouldn’t have done it, don’t do it again.’
I also don’t understand not texting her and saying ‘we’re managing but I need space rn’…instead, you just passively sat by and let her go off like a runaway train. ~~She’s also an AH for that~~*, but I think you’re ~~the bigger~~ one.
Also, why is your bro running to you with the dialogue of what she said to him? What purpose would that serve, other than to create more drama?
*Edit: the more I think of it, sis is n t a. What did she do? She texted you and your hubs a few times? The horror! And you couldn’t respond with a ‘Ty, not up for talking but I appreciate it.’? You couldn’t take 10
Seconds out of ‘supporting your husband’ to acknowledge someone wanting to support you?