I’ll try to keep this short, English is not my first language. I am F(30) and she is F(28).
I have this friend I used to work with and we were close. We both got new jobs and moved away from each other and tried to keep in touch but we don’t talk much anymore. The last 3 times we were supposed to meet I had to drive for 30 minutes to get to her workplace so we could get coffee after work and catch up. I got there and she had left work early. The last time that happened I spoke up and said that I was annoyed because it takes money and time for me to drive over there and it’s disrespectful of her to forget and not apologizing for it. I said it would be nice with an apology and all she said what “I felt like I have said sorry but I’ll say it again.”
I haven’t taken initiative again until she lost her job a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to meet a little closer to me and when the time comes and suddenly she is on the other side of town. I really don’t like driving on that side of town because I hate (makes me uncomfortable) to drive in the city. So I just said “I’ll see what I’ll do”
I feel like just staying home on my day off work and relax until my plans at 4.
So am I the asshole for not saying anything more to her and just go for my plans later and stay home? And quitting taking initiative again?
Next time she wants to catch up, put it back on her. Tell her that she can come over to your side of town and then see if she makes it there or not. Make it clear that you will not be travelling to see her, if she wants to see you she can make the trip.
If she manages this, then next time you can consider going to visit her…
NTA at all.
Let her make the plans to come to you next time and make he effort, she clearly doesn’t respect your time.
YTA. Two wrongs don’t make a right. If you don’t want to deal with her, that’s fine. But you don’t get to act like she does and think that when she does it she’s an AH, but when you do you’re not.
It’s a lot more rewarding to keep your integrity intact and surround yourself with reliable people instead 😉
Roads go both ways.
She can come to you.
NTA
Why are you the only one going out of your way? It should be both ways.
For example, my friends and I will often treat each other to food knowing full well the recipient will do the same.
You’re prioritising your needs over efforts that werent appreciated, and you are far from being in the wrong for that.
Let them make the next effort.
Work friends are often just that, work friends. When you part ways it will soon become apparent if you were just friends for a season, rather than friends for life & that’s OK. We all need work friends when at work. Focus on making new friendships & tending to old ones that are reciprocated. No need for drama. It’s just part of life.
The same thing happens with roommates, neighbours, sometimes even mom friends, etc. Lifelong friends are RARE & distance is a killer.
Having said that, some people are just really skilled at tending to friendships. Other people have more of an out of sight, out of mind thing going on. It’s not purposeful or deliberately hurtful, it’s genuinely how their brains work.
This is often the case with people with ADHD for example, due to ‘object impermanence’. I have an old friend with ADHD who I won’t hear from for months, even years, but if I needed a kidney, she’d whip one out for me & hand it over without hesitating. When we do see each other, she’s right back in it & it’s like I saw her yesterday. So I just accept this is how she does friendship.
You just described all my friendships. I have friends a haven’t talked to in a decade that I would be delighted to see. If we truly had a connection, it’s just like old times. I’m so ADHD.
♥️
Nta. Sometimes people have too much going on in their head to maintain relationships once it takes more effort. I’d keep in touch but also understand that it’s time to take a step back and let that friend figure her shit out. Driving a couple minutes is one thing but driving 30 minutes for someone to “forget” is unacceptable. If I had forgotten about this I would have still showed up… embarrassed and sorry but I would definitely be there. I’d say she does not care to try right now. Adulting is hard.
Her behavior was rude and inconsiderate. She is not putting much effort into your friendship and I don’t think you should either now. I would let this person go because obviously she doesn’t have enough respect for you or care about your feelings.
NTA
It doesn’t sound like she wants to be friends
Why do you think you need to do all the work of maintaining a relationship? Why do you even wonder if you are the asshole for leaving the ball in her court?
NTA, but you are very direct. It could be she doesn’t want to see you and unconsciously does this to you hoping you’ll take the hint and stop calling her. That’s not nice of her. She should just tell you.
Drop the rope, as they say. You two aren’t really friends anymore and you’re both exhausted over this.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a very good friend and if somebody did this to me, I’d just stop talking to them. I’m too old and life is too short to deal with AHs.