I have a few online friends that I’ve been friends with for over 10 years that I play games with. We have linked up a couple of times in the past, and it has been good memories.
One of the friends in this group, we’ll call him John, John has not been financially well-off since I’ve known him since he was 15 (he is now 25), I love the guy to death, but no job and no school, just has sat at home playing video games for his whole life and never had a job. And I’m not trying to throw him under the bus, but it’s just the harsh truth.
My online friend group has had trips in the past, and each trip we are always having to cover for John because we don’t want him to feel left out.
Anyways, we all 4 are suppose to meet up in NYC this weekend as it has been 2 years since we’ve all seen each other in person.
I understand everyone’s financial situation is different, but 3 of us have jobs and money to spend in NYC for the weekend. I’m grateful that I’m a software engineer and make good money, but even then, my budget for NYC for the weekend was just going to be $100-200 a day.
We’ve had this trip planned for months, and this entire time I figured John would have the funds to have some spending money for the weekend. It’s now 2 days before the trip and we are being told he has -$9 in his bank account and only $50 left on his credit card to spend.
We have made a point to him that we have gotten tired of covering for him and that it is going to be difficult to have an enjoyable time in NYC when he has no money to spend. John has now gotten very upset at us but we are at the point where we feel that it is unfair to us to be expected to cover for him.
Let me preface by saying he doesn’t expect us to cover for him, but also, how are we suppose to even do anything? Stuff in NYC costs money, whether it be clubs, food, or stores. And we wanted to go to a nice dinner, this has been planned for months. And obviously as friends we don’t want him to feel left out but at the same time we don’t want to continue covering for him and we would just feel bad if we go to a nice restaurant and he just sits there.
But yeah, that’s the situation right now. I will say I am very frustrated but I’m not sure if I’m sounding like an asshole to him and to myself.
NTA.
“…he has -$9 in his bank account and only $50 left on his credit card to spend.”. This is John expecting you to cover him.
I’d tell him we (the group) understand if he’s unable to make the trip. If he insists on going reiterate you won’t be covering for him nor will you be changing your plans. Personally I’d be getting my own place to stay if you’re sharing and let the other members know. You don’t want to go out enjoying NYC just to come back to him being upset because none of you paid for him.
Nta
You’ll need to talk to him honestly. Ask him how he is going to eat, let alone participate in activities, on that little money.
NTA since this was all planned out in advance and John has not done anything to provide for himself. Time for tough love and maybe he sits this one out.
NTA. I’ve been there too and I get that it feels really bad to say these things. But it’s just poor planning on his part and you shouldn’t be expected to constantly cover and adjust to his situation.
NTA. I know you said John doesn’t expect you all to cover him and I’m sure you believe that, but he absolutely does as he is still going on the trip and hasn’t dropped out. Does he plan on just not eating at all? I’m assuming you’re staying at someone’s place as otherwise he’d be responsible for a share of the hotel room, so is he just not going to go anywhere? He knows that you all will cover him if he goes, because thus far you have. If he truly didn’t expect you to pay he would stay home this time until he can get his shit together and act like a grown up.
If John can’t afford to go, and you all don’t want to pay for him again, then he can’t go.
That’s too bad but that’s reality. You can only use the money/credit that you have.
Is there a reason that he doesn’t work? Does he have physical or mental issues that make working impossible? If so, including him and paying his way could be a kindness if you all are willing. If he simply doesn’t choose to work, then leaving him out might motivate him to work so he isn’t left out from now on.
I assume he’s living in his parent’s house? I hope he learns how to become independent before they pass.
NTA
NTA, he’s a grown man, if he has no money who should just say no. I know you believe he doesn’t expect you to pay his way, but he absolutely does and he’s taking the mick
NTA. You and your friend group need to decide if you’re going to accept it and cover his costs, or sit him down and let him know not to come if he doesn’t have the money. Because if it comes down to it and someone has to pay for him, you guys need to be on the same page with how the group is going to handle that.
Trips are a luxury not a necessity. If he wants to go on it, he needs to be able to afford it. What exactly is his plan? Do nothing all weekend? It’s not even the time of year that banking on doing nothing makes sense. It’s cold, you guys are going to want to do things in doors even if it’s just go to a cafe. He has $25 a day for food. $50 is fine if you go to the grocery store, but let’s be real you guys plan to go out at least once.
It’s extremely unfair to the rest of the group. You guys want to go to a museum? Can’t cause he can’t afford it. Yes I know he isn’t expecting you to pay, but now you have to choose between doing something you traveled to do, pay extra money to cover someone else, or take on the guilt of leaving him and hoping he finds something else to do. Also you guys are walking everywhere cause he can’t even afford a subway ticket if he wants to eat.
This is a testament to how much he values your friendship. He should have been honest and communicated from the beginning, or at least within the last month to let you guys know he wasnt going to have the funds. He knew you guys were going to be able to afford to do things he can’t, and didn’t care about how it’ll affect the trips dynamic.
NTA. Time for John to grow up. Unless he can convince mommy or daddy to give him an advance on his allowance, he can’t go.
John is not your kid. His failure to launch is not your responsibility. Stop paying for him. Yes, he may drift apart, that’s what happens when you sit at home playing video games all day and have no money to do anything.
Why would he even show up if he can’t pay for anything…unless he’s expecting you to cover him?
Nope. Nope nope. All the Nopes that ever lived in Nopeland.
Tell him that he’s had MONTHS to save money for this trip, and that if he hasn’t done that, *it’s his problem.*
NTA – tell him that the Bank of Friends is closed.
NTA. Of COURSE he expects you to cover for him. Why else hasn’t he withdrawn from the trip? You 3 always cover for him. Why would this time be any different? If you go to McDonald’s, you’d have to cover for him. You have to tell him you will not cover for him and if he can’t afford to go, he will have to stay back.
Obvious answer. Reading OP I kept thinking, what’s the actual question here. He has no money, he can’t go unless you pay. What’s the dilemma?
once he told me he only had $50 and $-9 in his account, i would’ve then said “damn, so you’re not making the trip?! i’m sorry dude! hopefully next time you’ll be able to afford it!” and left it at that. bc any response he has would have to hint at one of yall or all of yall covering his way. and the answer to that is simply “no. we can’t.” yall budgeted and saved and he should’ve done the same. why is a grown man not working/supporting himself etc in the first place? NTA!!!
Yta Stop enabling him to not grow up
You all are rewarding him with all expense paid trips for not working and gaming all day.
Stop. You are being assholes to yourselves. And not helping him at all long term.
When he gets sick of his own company and burns all the bridges. Them he won have no choice but to grow up.