Please save all judgements for the VERY end.
My father’s birthday was Sunday. I have had pneumonia since Saturday evening, and have been bedridden since. I went to urgent care Monday to get my diagnosis and on day 3 of antibiotics I still feel like my head is going to pop when I cough. I have had fevers between 101 and 104. It is difficult to move, and I’ve woken up every night in a cold pool of sweat multiple times.
Conversely.
My father (66) according to my mom is mad (according to his words, disappointed OUCH) at me for not wishing him a happy birthday. My father has had cancer for about 14 months, first esophageal which after chemo metastisized to his liver. He often works through his ailments. When he had a full hip replacement surgery he was back to mowing the lawn after just 2 weeks. He’s often even now pushing himself hard just to cook dinners and do activities despite his limitations.
Since my father’s birthday I’ve called him 4 times to wish him a happy birthday and apologize (although I don’t feel bad since I’ve been going through something that I believe takes priority) and he has not answered. Am I the asshole?
NTA – Everyone makes mistakes and I would venture to say that a large portion of people have forgotten birthdays (I know I have!). You have reached out, and all you can do is continue to show love. Time will most likely fix it.
NTA. You forgot, you owned up to it. Dad needs to move on
Fair point but did OP forget? OP goes to great lengths telling us about their own recent illness and that of their father, but makes no mention of forgetting.
Obviously the answer here could be ‘Being sick and bedridden made me just kind of ignore and forget the world, and I realized the following week that I’d missed his bday’. It’s also hard to give OP credit for ‘owning up to it’ when OP maintains they don’t even feel bad because being sick was more important.
Accidents happen, I also forgot my dad’s bday once when in the midst of a lot of person turmoil but I felt awful about it, realized it the next day, and reached out on my own accord with an apology, which was genuine. Something about this write-up by OP just feels very indignant, which feels AHish even if the initial mistake wasn’t.
NTA. You were sick. Send him a present.
INFO: were you so sick as to be delirious? I don’t really see why, bedridden or not, a text or phone call was too much for you.
Yes, a temp of 103-104 made me dizzy (idk if delerious is the word) I could not get out of bed for much of it. I would basically time getting out of bed with my temperature. If my temp was down to 101 id refill my water, use the bathroom, etc. And go back to bed.
That being said honestly I didn’t know what the date was as what was at the forfront of my brain was “dang, my whole body sucks rn”
You forgot cos you were sick. You apologised. End of. NTA.
Ok so you forgot, due to being sick. Fair enough.
I’ll go ESH. I don’t think an accidental lapse like this makes you an AH but your lack of remorse and annoyance at your dad kinda do. You aren’t here going “Guys, I was sick over my dad’s bday and as a result I forgot to wish him a happy birthday, I sent him a belated message and I feel awful, but he’s mad – am I the AH?”… You admit you don’t even feel bad about it and that you think your illness was more important. That’s a very weird mindset to me, and makes me wonder if you did think about your dad’s bday but figured that since you’re sick you couldn’t be expected to do anything about it.
Your dad is a grown man, getting a belated bday wish should be enough.
Not enough info: is someone battling esophageal cancer comfortable talking on the phone?
Look be honest with yourself. Did you realize it was your dad’s birthday and you just felt like being sick was a good enough excuse to not have to say anything until you felt better?
ESH- and I say that because cancer isn’t an ailment. It’s a life threatening disease and your Dad is very likely feeling his mortality and wondering if this was his last birthday. At the same time, your father is being self centered (though understandably) and not considering the fever coma you were likely in to forget to wish him HB. I think emotions are high all around and you both need to give yourselves and each other a break.
NTA. You were really sick, it happens.