There’s a coworker that has been passive aggressive constantly in the span of the last two weeks. Each time she comes in, I greet her and she speaks normally, but later on she starts barking orders at me and my crew in a rude tone and way. Even telling us to make sure we do stuff that we’ve already done/have been doing (like making sure we change out the dish water before we go when we always do that anyways). So today, she swung the freezer door open without knocking, knowing my team was outside the door cleaning the area. Then later she walks up on us looking irritated while telling us in a rude tone, to make sure we put up our dishes before we go because it’s only her and another coworker. We always do and when we don’t, it’s because management tells us we can’t, because you of course don’t put up wet dishes until they dry. I responded saying that we can and that all she has to do is ask. Then she says “I know, that’s why I asked”. So me having seniority of the restaurant being here longer than everyone, including management, I want to ask her if she can ask me more politely next time she has a request for me, because it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. So me wanting to establish a more respectful delivery when being asked requests (that are already done anyways) AITA? If not, how should I ask for her to be more polite with her demands?
NTA. Don’t “ask” her to be more polite. Tell her – in a calm manner – that either she can treat you and your team with respect and knock off the passive aggressive shit – or that you can escalate things with management. That’s usually enough to curb bad behavior given that she’s not your superior and you’ve been there longer than her. Just don’t get emotional, and you’ll be fine.
Thank you so much! ⭐️ I’m going to try this, I really appreciate it! 😊
Laying it out calmly and clearly like that makes sense. Setting boundaries without getting emotional usually hits harder than asking politely, especially if she’s not in a position of authority.
It really does make sense! I especially appreciate the part about not getting emotional, because whenever I confront someone on something I feel strongly about, I start to breathe heavier and my words start to crumble. I’m going to get my point together and calmly speak to her before I leave today.
Is she a manager? If not tell her to act her wage.
NTA. You’re right to want respectful communication at work…. I would address it calmly in the moment next time rather than circling back,,,,,, since that feels more natural and less confrontational…Just keep it brief and focus on the tone, not the specific tasks. If she doesn’t adjust after you’ve been direct with her once, then it’s worth bringing management into it…..
I understand exactly what you mean. I had thought instantly to contact our manager, but the only thing about it, is that our manager glazes over issues we have unfortunately… she’s the type of manager that’s way too friendly to her employees, like on a personal level. So when there’s an issue, she tells us to talk it out and to cuss if needed because we’re grown. But of course I never do that because thats a quick escalation.
>how should I ask for her to be more polite with her demands?
That’s management’s job. She can blow you off, then complain about you. As you said, she’s prone to outbursts that don’t make sense.
>There’s a coworker that has been passive aggressive constantly in the span of the last two weeks
The other thing here is the time frame. This is a recent development, so something is probably going on in their outside life, then spilling over into the workplace. Again, not your problem to solve. Let your manager talk to her.
NTA
Thank you so much. The only reason why I didn’t call our manager like I initially wanted to is because our manager is “buddy-buddy” with every employee, like on a personal friend level. For example, one time I told her about a coworker calling out of my name because of my romantic preference, and she told the woman behind my back to watch out for me because I might go to HR. I found out because the lady came back the next day talking around me saying “I don’t care if they go to HR or not, if they have an issue with me, say it to my face”. She’s known for being messy or displaying favoritism sadly…
Oh, one of *those* managers.
Then your best bet is to have a reasonable conversation with this person, one-on-one. Point out their behavior, don’t use name-calling, and tell them it’s unacceptable. Then going forward, if it happens again call them out when it happens. Don’t sit there and take it.
Talk to a manager and have them deal with her. You might have “seniority” but that doesnt really mean much. Unless you have a title that gives you authority, you need to take it up with management.
If her tone stayed the same, but she had more experience than you and had been at the restaurant longer, would you still feel the same need to confront her about how she asks?
How would you distinguish between asking for respect and asking for reassurance that your seniority is still recognized?
If a newer team member heard your planned confrontation, would they feel more empowered to speak up for themselves, or more hesitant to question someone with seniority?
NTA for wanting to resolve the problem, but don’t “circle back” to pull up old incidents.
The next time she acts poorly, tell her (professionally and calmly) that you would appreciate it if she would be more polite when asking you to do things…and that if the rudeness continues, you’ll talk to management about the problem. Say that as unemotionally as possible, and keep it professional.