I, 44F have been taking care of my elderly dad (78) since my mum died 2 years ago. My dad lives in a town an hour drive from the city I live in. Fortunately he is fully capable of taking care of himself at this point, but he is very lonely and basically doesn’t talk F2F to anyone except for me and my wife when we visit.
He also has been diabetic for 40 years and his health declines visibly month after month.
I have a sister – Jamie (51F) who moved away to a remote location with her husband 5 years ago. Her contact with dad is limited to calls and 2-3 visits a year. It’s around 5 hour drive, but neither she nor my BIL drive long distance, so it takes a whole day to make the trip.
When my mum was alive, she had cancer, but always made effort to host Xmas. My wife and I visited each time either for 24th or 25th – alternating between our 2 families, while my sister stayed with BIL each time. When my mum died – Jamie decided she will take dad for the holidays, didn’t invite me, didn’t ask if I was cool with it. I said, fine, dad misses her, I will oblige. I drove him there and back just to make him happy.
A year ago, I asked them both what the plan was, and again drove my dad and they had their Xmas together.
This year dad wanted to visit Jamie, I said I will take him, but since I work all till 25th – I can only take him on Sunday. My sister texted me, that she thinks dad is fully capable to commute by himself – train-train-bus-bus for 8 hours.
I responded that I really do not think that a 78year old man, with 2healthy daughters should make such solo trip, so either I drive him on Sunday, or she can come to him and make the trip with him later that week. Otherwise – I don’t think it’s safe. Dad admitted that he didn’t feel up to that either.
And here’s some background – my dad lately admitted that he got lost on the cemetery he visits daily, his sugar often drops without reason and he needs help.
My sister said, that dad was a burden on her last 2 years, her husband has trouble with people around the house, so it’s best if I take dad this time.
And something broke in me – I told her she’s selfish. That it was her choice to move away to the middle of nowhere when mum was sick and needed help, all for no other reason than to try rural life, it was her who left me with mum dying, because she didn’t feel the need to come and say goodbye. And now she thinks she can somehow support him remotely
She is now pissed at me, keeps bothering me with e-mails of how much she had done and I don’t respect her contribution.
Dad will spend holidays with me and my wife’s family, I rented a room for him, so that he can get some alone time from people and will do everything I can to make him comfortable
I feel that I have 0 support from my sister and at this point don’t even want to respond to her numerous messages.
so AITA that I felt offended she treated our dad like a bag of potatoes and risked the sisterly "relationship" by saying harshly what I feel?
So your sister is happy for her elderly dad to do an 8hr train train bus bus journey alone but it is somehow too much for her to join him doing that to ensure his wellbeing and so that he can spend xmas with her and – oh by the way – her husband has suddenly developed a problem with people being in his house. Of course she is ticked off with you – you called out her b/s.
NTA. Enjoy your xmas with your dad and well done for being a caring son.
OP is female. So, daughter.
Husband and I have relatives like that. We may have our issues between us, but when his sis bagged, we took his mum. I cared for my dad and step mum when my step sisters bagged.
Block sis, enjoy time with Dad. NTA
NTA – Your sister needed to be told about herself. Her wanting your dad to take the train and buses by himself to get to her house, was her way of saying she offered without wanting to host your dad. She sucks.
Good for you caring for your dad. Make sure you take the time to get his affairs in order. My dad had about 32 different little bank accounts and a folder with old stock certificates. I was able to unravel everything before he lost his memory and subsequently passed away. It really helped my mom out. I care for my mom now.
NTA She does sound selfish and clueless tbh. I hope you have a great Christmas with your dad and feel a bit better knowing that at the very least, you will never regret your choices to spend time with your parents and take care of them when they needed. For your sister, there may or may not come a day that she regrets it.
NTA. I think you said what had to be said and if it sounded harsh it was because you’d bottled it up for years to keep the peace. Don’t respond to her emails until or unless you want to and think it will be fruitful. I hope you and your dad have a marvelous Christmas with your family this year.
As someone who is also the only local care giver for my mother, I feel your pain. You sister is being selfish. She wants to feel that she has done as much as you without having done as much. It is hard. Try to stay focused on enjoying the time you spend with your father. Ask him to tell your sister that he isn’t comfortable with that much travel. That is something that I have asked my mother to do. Instead of me telling my distant siblings what Mom wants or can do, she does it. They feel less entitled and don’t see it as me just trying to be difficult.
Also, forgive your sister. She is probably doing the best that she can. And forgive yourself for getting frustrated with her lack of understanding.
Family dynamics shift as parents age, and some children have a hard time understanding or wanting to believe that parents can no longer do as much for themselves as they used to do. Communication is key.
I send out a monthly email discussing doctor’s appointments, things that I noticed or am concerned about and things for them to be aware of. I still do 90% of the labor and 90% of the financial burden, but I do it for my Mom not for my siblings.
If part of what you resent is that your sister didn’t carry the weight with your mother, what part of you is still trying to prove (to her, or to yourself) that you were the better daughter?
If your dad could feel the tension between you and your sister, would he experience your care as love, or as a quiet war being waged on his behalf?
What would it mean about your role, or your worth, if your sister *did* suddenly show up and do everything right?
Those are all valid questions I ask myself as well.
What I realised is that I am angry because she checked out 5 years ago without explanation, when we all knew it’s only going to get harder.
And I really believe I am not trying to prove anything, I just have a deep sense of responsibility over the situation and can’t imagine leaving my dad without support.
I just wish we could be in this together, since it would be much easier knowing I can sometimes not check my phone at night to check his sugar levels
NTA
Wanting him to take buses and trains when she is capable of driving is insane
Stop going back and forth with your sister.
Spend the holidays with your dad and enjoy the time together and reminisce.
Tomorrow is not promised.
Your sister seems more focused on convenience tan on what your dad can actually handle.
NTA your sister telling you to put your elderly dad on an 8 hour solo journey on public transit….wow.
Not the asshole.
Also, you may want to talk to your dad and see if you can convince him to move into a senior community by you. Not a nursing home, but maybe a community that has the option to go from 100% independent living to assisted care to full care, moving within the communtiy, so he can have a social life of his chosing.
Don’t tell him, dad, I think it’s time you move into an old folks home. Mention you’ve heard the modern senior communities are like college town life for seniors. In the same way college kids are off away from their parents and family surrounded by other 18-23 year olds having the time of their lives. Ask if he would go with you to some of these places either where he is or where you are and see if any of them peak his interest. No pressure you just think he worked hard and deserves to enjoy this stage of his life.