Hi reddit. I’m (36F) currently in a major disagreement with my eldest kid (18NB) over events that happened last night, and I need an unbiased group of people to maybe help me understand my kid’s frustration.
I had Q (my kid) when I was 18. We did a lot of growing up together with me being a young mom, so we do a lot together. Q and I are definitely close, but when they’re upset with me, it can get bad. And since we’re so close, if I do anything without them, even just something for myself (I’m a mother of 4, so these are already rare), they get really angry.
Now to the problem at hand:
I had a work Christmas party last night. Q helped me shop for a dress the day before, gave me some advice on styling and accessorizing the evening of and it was a really nice bonding experience. My 2 younger daughters went to their dad’s house for the weekend, so it was only Q at home with their brother (15), so no babysitting was involved. Q asked me when I’d be home for the night, and I replied "I’m not sure if I’ll leave early or not, but the party ends at 10." They seemed satisfied with this answer, and off I went with my husband to the party.
We had a wonderful time during the party. I did look at my phone every pretty often when I wasn’t dancing to make sure I didn’t get any emergency phone calls, and for most of the night I was clear. However, when the party ended at 10:02, I went to look at my phone to be greeted with 2 missed calls (one at 10:01 and the other at 10:02) and an incoming call from Q. They berated me for not answering and yelled at me for not being home at this time. I calmly reminded them that the party ended at 10, to which they replied that I claimed that I was coming home early (I did not expressly guarantee that to them at all) and this was the third time they called because what if there was an emergency, and told me that I’m a mother first.
They’re currently still not talking to me, and when I tried to make peace, they snapped on me. I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t do anything at all on my own and I should stay home and just "be a mom."
So, reddit, was I wrong at all? How could I have handled this better?
You’re NTA, but something’s up here for your 18 year old to be that upset about not being home at 10:01. Seems like they got very fixated on the 10pm time. Are they autistic?
You prob shouldn’t let your CHILD run your life and remind them you’re the parent who is free to do as she pleases since she again is the parent. You’re wild for thinking you cannot do as you please also get this child into therapy
Therapy for codependency ASAP (for them both)
This is a major trend I’ve noticed with gen z kids of younger parents. They seem to think they can run their parent’s lives and it’s really messed up. You’re the parent, they’re the kids. Put your damn foot down
And the “child” is an adult. They need to start acting like one.
“When the party ended at 10:02” is enough on its own. OP is scared of her own kid.
ESH
Your kid is controlling and thinks they can tell you what to do.
You for seemingly never getting your child counseling to address their separation issues and lack of emotional regulation.
yeah this issue needed to be addressed years ago
This is weird. Your child needs help dealing with boundaries and attachment issues. You have every right to live your life
I agree. Especially coming from an 18-year-old. Kids that age should be relishing a night home alone to have privacy and independence as a young adult, not checking in with Mommy because she’s a minute late.
They shouldn’t even have noticed the time. It’s weird that they were clock watching and then rang more than once
How has Mom allowed this to go on for so long? This is a legal adult demanding mommy come home from a party at a time THEY demand. This is severe codependency. How will they navigate jobs, relationships and life when they have to have what they want NOW and other people must give in to their demands or they will tantrum and not cope. Life is going to be very scary for them.
Ok so it sounds like you two are in a very strange relationship. This needs therapy now. There’s no way an 18 year old should be so dependant on their parent and aso acting as parent towards them. Your relationship isn’t normal and you will need professional help to sort this out.
What’s going on here? Your 18 yo child should not be so hung up on your schedule that they’re freaking out at 10:01 and 10:02 and super angry at your afterwards for not coming home on time. This is concerning behavior and speaks to some unhealthy codependency of some kind. This needs to be untangled. You are the parent. You are an adult. Frankly so is your kid now. This isn’t okay. YTA for letting this get to this point. Idk if you both need therapy or what but this needs to be addressed.