My brother (12M) had just spoiled the ending to a show. (I have told him nicely before not to do so for previous shows and he never has been successful at not spoiling. I just told him about this the previous day.) I (16M) got extremely angry and I scolded him on this, telling him in the future I want him to go to another room when I watch a show he knows the ending to (or I will go). My mom pulled me aside and told me I need to watch my words and that he was hurt, that he simply lacked self-control and he wasn’t doing it to hurt me on purpose.
Overall I agreed with her and admitted I shouldn’t have gotten so angry (although I still don’t know how else I’m supposed to handle this, considering talking nicely doesn’t work), until the end where she said "You only have one brother in this world. Cherish him." That part I didn’t agree with. I told her bluntly that I didn’t see why I should cherish my brother if he constantly causes me harm in my life. She got extremely pissed and kept saying family wasn’t about that.
She brought up an example of her parents (she has told me before that they were horrible to her, they came home late and never asked about her, leading to years of abuse from her maid. when she turned 13, they stopped paying for her meals and transport, so she had to juggle a job with her education. when she turned an adult, her mom demanded $200 every month (quite a bit of money back then). now they are much better and i would have never guessed what happened) and said with that logic, she shouldn’t care about her parents at all. I told her, I don’t even know why she went back and got to learn they had changed, she should have stayed as far away from them as possible. And that now that they have changed, they are worth cherishing now. She got even angrier by this and said that they are still costing her and overall causing a negative in her life (my grandfather is in and out of the hospital numerous times. my mom is the primary caretaker along with her 3 siblings, and they don’t work or have much money). I told her I think the good times and overall happiness from interacting with them outweigh the negatives, but if she really is that upset with them, that distancing herself from them would be the smart choice.
She just got more disgusted and told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I don’t get it. If someone causes you a net negative in your life, why stay? A brother essentially boils down to someone that lived with you your whole life other than blood. Imagine telling someone abused by their parents that "well they’re family. you should be more appreciative" and to go back to their parents when they’re older.
I know what my brother did was extremely small (well it means a lot to me, I never do this (and never have) precisely because I know the feeling) but still, if he ends up causing me negative after negative in my life, I don’t see a reason to cherish him any more than just an annoying friend. So, AITA for saying that?
Edit: Just want to clarify. I do not mean that I do not cherish him now (although looking back, it seems that might have been how my mom interpreted it). I am saying that "b-b-but he’s family!1!!1" is not a valid argument, and if he constantly causes me negatives in my life in the future then I will not hesitate to distance myself from him. He doesn’t get bonus points just for being my sibling.
Edit 2: A few people are calling out my mom for not talking to my brother about what he did. In her defence, she just scolded him very harshly a few hours prior and gave a huge punishment, so she probably doesn’t have the heart to scold him further. Maybe she’ll talk to him about this tomorrow.
YTA, no offense but considering the fact that the only example you provided for why your 12 year old brother is being a negative person in your life is that he spoiled a tv show for you, i dont think this is in any way comparable to abuse your mom faced from her family and you’re massively overreacting. how old even are you because you sound like you’re also 12 by this reaction.
NTA I hate people who defend status quo about with “but faaaaamily”
YTA
Please don’t compare spoilers for a show to years of abuse, trauma, and trying to heal from trauma
Edit to add:
Apologize to your mom for the unfair comparisons and give her a hug
his mom is the one that made the comparison. FFS
She brought up the comparison, not OP. That makes anything after that fair game. Can’t have it both ways even if she is the parent.
12 is old enough not to spoil shows. Especially after talking to him about it. – unless he has something mentally wrong with him. Otherwise he’s just doing it to bother you. As for cherishing someone, you cherish someone who reciprocates that care. At the moment that is not your brother. Do you have anyone in your life who is always there for you, who makes your life happier? That is who you cherish.
As someone who is low contact with a sibling. You don’t have to decide right now if you won’t have anything to do with him. and if you don’t want him to ruin something you have a right to be protective of it. You won’t necessearily need to keep a ledger of pro’s vs cons if someone is someone is worthy of being in your life. you are both young.
NAH. Your mom pulling out her childhood everytime you vocalize a perceived wrong is vibing manipulative to me though.
I know you are young, but maybe you need to hear this:
Spoilers=/= causing you harm in life.
As per tv, have shows that are you and your brother shows, agree you should only watch them together, thus he cannot “spoil” them – and shows you watch without him. It might fix this issue, and help you bond a bit.
Obviously, if your brother causes you harm you are not obligated to have a relationship with him. But here’s the thing: you’re 16 and he’s 12; he is going to be annoying. Annoyance is not the same as harm. If your brother is abusing you, that is harm. If your brother is standing by while others abuse you, that is harm. If your brother’s relationship with your parents leaves you feeling neglected by them, that is harm.
And this is not to minimize your feelings, but at the end of the day having a show spoiled will not matter to you in the future. But the way you and your brother treat each other *will* matter.
I think you should try to remember that 12 year olds are annoying across the board (I’m sure you were too. I certainly was) but he will grow into a person you will have a better relationship with – probably when you’re both in your 20s. That better relationship doesn’t have to be close, but the people you grow up with (siblings, childhood friends) have a unique perspective on you as a person and occupy a unique place in your life. As you get older even if you are not close you will value having people around who knew you then. Again, this is all assuming a lack of true harm.
I’m gonna say NAH because you’re 16 and, having worked with a lot of teenagers, I get that you’re dealing with a lot of big feelings. Do try to consider what your mother said but remember that you don’t owe any abusers, family or not, your time or energy. I don’t think – based on what was shared – that your brother currently falls into that category.
Everyone’s here judging yet none of you are at all concerned about the mother’s warped views???
NAH. He’s 12. He’s gonna be a little shit. If the worst thing he ever does to you is spoil the end of show for you, you two are gonna outgrow this childish phase and be bros.
You’re also a kid. Try not to take things like this so hard. Being tolerant of this kind of behavior helps you in navigating adult life later own. But also, aren’t y’all siblings? Duct tape him to a chair and leave him somewhere. Problem solve, man.
People do worse shit and enjoy seeing how it hurts people. If he starts drowning rabbits and writing “YOU’RE NEXT” on the mirror, then come back.
I’ll go against the grain here and say you’re NTA.
1. Your brother is 12, not 5. If he doesn’t know how to practice restraint at this age, something is already fundamentally wrong with how he’s being given feedback when his behavior is disruptive or annoying. It sounds to me that he’s being allowed to be disrespectful of other peoples’ wishes because “he doesn’t do it on purpose”. At 12, children understand cause and effect, and thus they can absolutely do things on purpose. That your mom is dismissing it is a problem. Does she dismiss things you do to your brother as well, that annoy him? If she does, then you’re both being spoiled. If she doesn’t, then it’s differential treatment.
2. Your mother is the one that brought up her trauma as an example why you should cherish your brother despite causing you harm, not you. So ignore everyone here that accuses you of making that comparison. *Your mom made that comparison, not you.* What you told your mom about distancing herself from her own parents if they are still causing her harm in her life is CORRECT. That she’s unable to take that in or accept it is her own issue, not yours.
3. You’re entitled to not cherishing a brother if he’s annoying you. THAT SAID, you should look a bit more closely into your relationship with him. Is it really only the tv shows being spoiled that he is doing, causing you to have these big eruptions? Or is he doing more things you’ve asked him not to do, or perhaps he’s being indulged in ways that hurt you, and it just all culminates into blowing up over something relatively minor, like a tv show spoiler?
4. You told us about your mom, but where does your dad factor into all this? Is your dad at all in the picture? If so, has he expressed any opinions about this incident?
Thanks for the advice.
As for the last question, he wasn’t really part of the conversation. I did ask him about this afterwards, and he basically just said “he’s family. you have to cherish him.” and “you shouldn’t measure everything he does to a ruler”
Nta
Once or twice would be a mistake. Every time he is absolutely doing it on purpose